I feel like I'm gonna barf today

and I'm not sure if it's because I had too much coffee this morning, I'm about to ovulate, or because I am enraged and want to kill my mother.

Honestly, I think it's the latter.

I find it very difficult to feel a certain way but act another. And when I am in this sort of pickle, anxiety usually ensues.

Yesterday afternoon I agreed to go shopping with my mother for her wedding dress and I am regretting it already. She is getting married on May 3, 2008 to Barry. And while I love Barry and think he is great, I'm having a really hard time getting "excited" about my mom's BIG day. This has nothing to do with the fact that she is getting remarried. This has everything to do with how she acted towards my husband and me from the day he proposed ("do you really want to marry this loser?" she said in front of him) to our eloping to our reception party a month after. This also has to do with the fact that she informed me of her opinion on marriage (she thinks it's a cop-out) a week after Pep and I got married.

This post was two days after Barry and my mom stopped by (to bring Pep his b-day gift a month later) and told us that they had decided to get married on the beach (May 3) and would like my brother and Morgan + Pep and I to join them for the ceremony and dinner afterward.

The way they built up the story, we thought they were going to say WE ALREADY DID IT! But we weren't that lucky. When Pep and I said "We thought you were going to tell us you did it already", my mother replied, "Well, Morgan (sis-in-law) said that since Scotty (my brother) didn't get to see his sister (me) get married, he HAS to see me (mom) get married". WHICH IS A BULLSHIT EXCUSE AND A DIG AT ME SIMULTANEOUSLY. [having nothing to do with my bro and sis]

I thought I would wait to barf it all onto paper (or blog) to see if maybe something would change. Maybe my feelings would change about it. Maybe she would cancel. I don't know, but I thought I would give it a chance to sink in before exploding. Well, it looks like I'm still upset about it. Actually, I'm shaking. The more I do for her, the more upset I get - which, Kell reminded me this morning - IS SOMETHING SHE WOULD DO (do, do, do for someone - then be resentful) and that's just not me. If I wasn't at work right now, I'd be sobbing, I'm sure. I am just holding it all in = major anxiety = unhappy Maegan. But THIS IS MY LIFE!

I want to tell her so badly that I do NOT want to be a part of any of this. The wounds she inflicted upon me are clearly still healing and this is a huge setback. I am a time person. The more time that passes, the better. If this were 5 years later instead of 1.5, I'm sure I would have already dealt with all of these emotions and gotten over it.

Normally, I would just say, NO, I'm not going to be a part of this. But for some reason, I haven't been able to yet. If I say "forget it - don't expect us" she'll be upset that I'm not there but if we go and I lose it, that would be even worse. I feel that either way (unless I hold it all in and stay anxious until May 3rd), I'm going to ruin her day and be the "bad guy" which would be perfect for her, the victim.

This is a major conundrum.