I never thought it would be . . . so difficult to get pregnant.

* Last March, I wrote this post called Baby Fever. Who knew a year later I would be feeling the exact same way? …still childless.

* My mind is completely wrapped around this right now …which means that I cannot write a single word about anything else.

* My thoughts are random and scattered.

* This month I didn’t even ovulate. This month where my husband finally decided he was really ready …I didn’t even ovulate. I went through 3 $40 boxes of ovulation sticks. {for the next cycle I have started the ClearBlue monitor}

* The quote I posted yesterday is completely regarding this. However, it doesn’t remove the hope/disappointment cycle that accompanies each month that ends in a bloody mess thus making me feel like a failure as a woman.

* We’ve had all the tests done and the doctor says we’re normal …slow because we’re in our 30’s but normal/healthy.

* Do we have too much sex? It seems like people who are getting knocked up quickly don’t seem to have much sex until they decide to have a baby …then BOOM. Pregnant.

* The word INfertile drives me crazy. It’s a disgusting word. It should never be used.

* We have not tried any drugs or IVF …and we don’t plan on it.

* I wonder why I cannot just throw in the towel and start planning for adoption? …but there’s something about being pregnant that has always intrigued me. I’ve always said I can’t wait to be pregnant!

* Why isn’t it happening?

* I mean, people who have raging drug problems and are homeless and raped get pregnant …where is the sense in that?

* I don’t want to have to try so hard. Resisting the obvious may be part of the problem. It’s the weirdest thing in the world to me …I never ever thought it would be an issue. Ever. ..I’m sure no one does.

* I am 100% embarrassed about the situation.

I wrote this last November but didn’t publish it

My husband has been trying to knock me up for a little over a year now and still …nothing. We have both been tested and the test results were normal. We have not started any fertility drugs nor will we. I’m not into that {for me}. I don’t care what anyone else does.

Last August I thought I was pregnant ~ accidentally. I started a baby blog. I started writing down every single thing I was feeling in a cute little paper journal. He bought me pregnancy books for our paper anniversary. I was sick but excited.

…and then I got my period and realized I was just sick.

Since we were both seemingly excited about a possible pregnancy, we decided to stop pulling out and start actually trying to have a baby.

I naively assumed that as soon as he sperminated me, I would be with child. Wow, was I wrong.

What happens when you don’t get pregnant as soon as you think you will is this: questions, questioning, and re-thinking everything.

Month after month of wanting something so badly and not getting it is depressing to say the least. At the end of every cycle when my period came, I was not only pms-ing, I was sad that I was not pregnant. The blood signified failure to me and it still does. Thoughts like “I’m good at anything I set my mind to but not this” became the focus. It was more about me not being able to get pregnant than having a baby.

The questions started.

I went from having a completely romantic and magical view of babies and children to a rigid and logical and eye-opening truth of what bringing a life into this world meant and asking myself if I truly was ready for it or not.

The questions that never entered my mind before and would balk at others for worrying about came crashing in on me. Once excited by the idea of having a baby growing inside me now scares the shit out of me. What if there is a problem? What if something goes wrong? All that blood drawn. All those doctor appointments while pregnant. ALL THOSE DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS. Which do not end once the kid comes out of you.

Dealing with doctors that won’t listen to you and hospitals and not wanting drugs that they want to force on you. I want a midwife but what if something goes wrong …I told you so’s out the wazooo. Everyone telling you how to raise your kid but haven’t a clue how to raise their own.

NO more sex and intimacy with the husband. That one freaks me out. I’m sure it freaks him out too.

When I see parents having a hard time getting their kids to listen to them in public I used to tilt my head and think it was cute. Now I can’t help but think about how fucking annoying it must be to have this little person not listen to a thing you say.

They’re sick all the time. ALL. THE. TIME! Every parent I know is sick all the time as well. Every time the kids get sick, so do the parents. Annoying. Your house becomes a kid haven. Toys and junk and trash everywhere. Baby proofing everything. Annoying.

Even after concluding that maybe we’re not ready, at 32 I don’t feel like I have much time. I only hear more and more horrendous stories of older women having babies …how it not only affects the mother’s pregnancy but the kids all seem to have issues as well. Like pure bred dogs, always an issue.

But it doesn’t even matter because the fact is that I am not getting pregnant. Something is keeping me from bearing children and instead of forcing it with fertility treatments, I will choose to adopt. {I’ve always wanted a little black baby anyway …they’re the cutest}

But even after deciding that kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, I get a bad case of the blues every time I start bleeding or see a pregnant woman or read another blog post that says BIG NEWS! I’M PREGNANT! …I’m sad because even through all these negatives, I want to be able to say I’m pregnant and I fear I will never be able too.

I’m scared of throwing in the towel and just saying fuck it, let’s adopt when we’re 40 {which is honestly how I’m feeling} but I guess it’s more a fear of regretting not having kids. It sounds so terminal. And, since my future plans were to have kids and start a family …what the fuck am I going to do instead?

Re-think everything.

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

93 Comments

  • Erin

    March 23, 2009 |

    wow Maegan…certainly lots to wrap your head around. I sure hope that things go in your favor sooner rather than later…now get to gettin and make that baby! 🙂

  • God Made Me fuNky

    March 23, 2009 |

    Hey Maegan
    you definitely have too much on your mind and I just hope and pray that you get the good news soon.

  • Chessa!

    March 23, 2009 |

    oh, dear. You know I understand you. Every word you say resonates with me. I ask myself these questions all the time..it’s healthy to do that. I hope you can find just a tiny bit of comfort knowing that you are not the only one out there who feels like this and that I’m sending you a huge hug and lots of strength and love from way over here in NYC. we have to be here for each other for support and I promise to do that for you. If nothing else, I’m happy that blogging introduced me to a wonderful and honest woman like you!

  • AndreaLeigh

    March 23, 2009 |

    I’m scared to death of the process of becoming pregnant. I went against all my friends and family (what they did) and chose to wait until my 30s to have children. Now I’m 30 and my age is freaking me out. I feel like I HAVE to have kids now, not necessarily b/c I’m ready or I want to, but b/c time is running out. And this post scares me.

    I believe everything happens for a reason – so in that vein, if you aren’t getting pregnant, maybe God/fate/the universe knows you aren’t truly ready/want to have a child this moment.

    Maybe it isn’t so much about a problem but about timing.

  • drollgirl

    March 23, 2009 |

    i am about to cry for you. please hang in there. i don’t know what will happen, but you are getting kids if you want them, one way or another.

  • patrick and sarah m

    March 23, 2009 |

    So I totally felt like I was reading my diary just now. 🙂 We’ve been trying for over 2 years and I cannot deal with what some people actually say. I never imagined we’d be in this boat, but here we are! It certainly has made me more aware of what NOT to say to people as you have no clue what they’re going through and it’s such a personal thing. As generic as it sounds, and as much as I HATE it when other people say it to me, I live by the quote you posted yesterday. Keep the faith. 🙂

  • Diane

    March 23, 2009 |

    Ok listen, you need to change things a bit.. less working out slowdown eat better (more) I think it is harder for women when they are on a workout routine. In fact getting either too little or too much exercise can hinder fertility. Too little body fat can result in irregular ovulation, as body fat helps to regulate the body’s production of estrogen. Yoga Pilates release endorphins which condition the body to respond to stress. Because you get stressed out trying so hard!
    It is going to happen and then you are going to be the Maternity clothes Fashion Plate!
    Hugs, Diane

  • The Alleged Ringleader

    March 23, 2009 |

    keep trying my dear! It will happen for you guys!

  • Milly

    March 23, 2009 |

    Yes keep the faith….it will happen…you’ll see

  • Bon Don

    March 23, 2009 |

    🙁
    Me too, I have two daughter already however I would love to have a bio-logical child as well… we have been trying but due to my health issues, no such luck. Positive thoughts for both of us!

  • Amy

    March 23, 2009 |

    Don’t stress yet Meagan. For real. We tried for quite a while before anything happened. I know it sounds so cliche but it wasn’t until I started a new business and kind of forgot about it that it happened. You’ve been tested. You’re fine. It will happen when it’s time. If you want my advice (which you probably don’t) but hey, it’s the comment section, go to a really highly recommended tarot card reader or a reiki master. Move some energy, get a reading. Get some momentum in belief going. Ask the Universe. It will happen. 🙂

  • Amy

    March 23, 2009 |

    I just realized I spelled your name wrong. I’m sorry.

  • Tiffany

    March 23, 2009 |

    **HUGS**

    I have friends that are in the same place as you or they have found out through tests that they are unable to have children. The same thoughts run through my mind about the drug addicts and the people who shouldn’t be having children that do and the people that deserve them aren’t able to. It certainly is unfair.

    I believe everything happens for a reason, so maybe your time isn’t now but I think eventually it will come and then I’ll be reading your baby blog as well. 🙂

  • Cathy Voyage

    March 23, 2009 |

    Dear Meagan, I am so sure you will be pregnant, don’t worry so much about it! I think it helps if you relax, even it is difficult.

  • Mama Kat

    March 23, 2009 |

    This is the calendar I used to get pregnant with each of my kids:

    http://www.ovulation-calendar.com/download.html

    I dunno. Worked for us.

    I really believe you will get pregnant Maegan. If the doctors are saying there is nothing going on and that it will just take time….then it’s just taking time.

    I wish I could help!

  • Sue Jacquette

    March 23, 2009 |

    Oh babe… You’re certainly not alone in this. It really could take years, so (and I know this is much easier said then done) just enjoy the process and your time going to the movies and drinking while you can. The more you worry about it, the more you focus your worry and negative energy on it, the harder it will be. Chin up, girl!

  • Meghan

    March 23, 2009 |

    It’ll happen for you, and when it does you’ll be ready. Don’t give up. Just have fun continuing to try and keep your options open.

    Hugs.

  • ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND

    March 23, 2009 |

    I’m out of my element here obviously, but I wanted to just send you words of encouragment and hope Maegan, I wish I could say more.

  • scarlethue

    March 23, 2009 |

    I don’t know you well yet– I just started reading your blog last week. You have a very unique point of view, and I’m looking forward to reading more.

    You were right when you said if it’s meant to happen, it will. I’ve always believed that because that’s the way my entire life has gone. I try SO HARD for something I think I want, only to have it fall apart in the end, but out of that rubble and mess comes something even better. That’s how I ended up with my awesome husband, how I ended up living abroad, and how I ended up in my amazing job. I believe fate/destiny/God, whatever you want to call it, knows what’s best for us and takes care of us in the end, as long as we live our lives to to best, fullest, and most loving that we can.

    If you end up adopting in the end, so be it. You’ll raise an amazing kid that truly needed a home and your love.

    I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to get pregnant, and too much pressure on your husband. The stress isn’t good for either of you, spiritually or physically. Let go. That’s my advice– just let go. Once you let go, I think you’ll be surprised how much comes back to you.

  • Hanako66

    March 23, 2009 |

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • tanya

    March 23, 2009 |

    Easier said than done, I know…but keep up the faith, my dear…in the meantime, keep venting! It’s healthy for you to get it out and it means so much that you’re sharing these thoughts with us.

  • brooke

    March 23, 2009 |

    i just want to give you a hug…i know that i have been blessed with two ladies, but please trust me when i tell you i know how you are feeling. with the girls they were both surprises…too early, but still exciting. however a little over a year ago i wanted a third…badly…i thought it would be just as easy…but here we are today and no sweet baby…words can not describe the intense anxiety that comes along with hoping that at the end of the month you won’t find yourself as shark bait…and then you do and you wonder what the crud went wrong…how can my lady parts not do what they are meant to do when all the right ingredients are present…and yet everyone around you calls/emails/texts/blogs with the happy news of their soon to be growing tums…i pray it happens for you so so SO soon and that you will finally get to experience the AMAZINGNESS that is pregnancy and mommahood! and while i know adoption is so hard to wrap your head around when all you want is to see the little one that will be created from you and your love…i thank my husband’s biological and adoptive parents everyday…b/c without their mutual roles in his early life he wouldn’t be in mine…so you never know who’s future you just might change by having a baby grow in your heart and not under it…

  • anhesty

    March 23, 2009 |

    i have a couple of friends that are going through the same thing. they have been trying much longer than you. they still have hope and haven’t tried IVF yet. but dont lose hope. i know it will happen when you least expect it. and kudos for you for being able to expose this out there for everyone to read. a lot of ppl keep this all inside and then go through depression. good luck.

  • GiGi

    March 23, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    I’ve been in your shoes. I have 2 girls now. You were tested & your both fine. That is so important. The first thing u have to do is try not to stress, the body won’t work right. I am glad you got the monitor, becuz the regular sticks never seem to work. Once you figure out about which days you ovulate, try to have sex around those days, higher sperm count. Do you take prenatal vitamins?

    When I stopped thinking about it all, is when I got pregnant. Please don’t be embarassed, So many people go through this, but don’t talk about it. I told everyone what happened to me because people can give u tips or Dr.’s. or tell you what worked for them.
    Your in my thoughts.

  • katie

    March 23, 2009 |

    Stop trying, stop waiting and believe. It will happen. Give in to that adoption choice and it will happen, you’ll see.
    I was in the same place, tested normal, stressed out completely and once i finally gave into the fact that it may never, it did.

  • Amy

    March 23, 2009 |

    I don’t know how you’re feeling (we’re 27 & 28 and don’t think we’re anywhere near ready for kiddies!) but I can imagine how hard it must be when you’re doing everything right, you’re both healthy, and it’s still not happening for you. Someone said in an earlier comment that everything happens for a reason. Maybe that’s the case here…it’s just not the right time. I dunno. My grandmother used to tell us that if we wore tank tops to the fair, we’d wind up pregnant…maybe that’s the solution 😛

  • Aubrey

    March 23, 2009 |

    For many women this is completely normal. I heard that stressing about it doesn’t help!!! I know it’s difficult not to, because you want a baby so badly…I pray that it happens quickly for you 🙂 Stay positive and have fun trying!!!

  • La Belette Rouge

    March 23, 2009 |

    I wish I didn’t relate to this post at all. I do and I was there and now we are at the other side and we will never have kids and it does suck but life goes on and having a dog helps. Hugs to you.

  • Leesa

    March 23, 2009 |

    I wrote about the childless discussion a few years ago. This post sort of reminded me of it.

    http://dsmoya31410.blogspot.com/2005/12/playing-house.html

  • b is for brown

    March 23, 2009 |

    i was/am again right where you are, my dear. i know i am new to the blog but i am here to privately email if you need to. i hate the comments – just relax and it will happen. WTF? i have a TTC blog. i have thought and said all you have. i made it private after my ectopic pregnancy and tube loss – blah. i am now in a deeper hole and we have deciced to do clomid and possibly ivf. email me if you need to chat. i know it all and can even recommend a funny book – the conception chronicles.

  • b is for brown

    March 23, 2009 |

    oh and my fertility acupuncturist told me last week…if your husband has a high sperm count, you can have intercourse every day around O time –it’s a new study. my doc tells us every other day from day 8 – 22. LOADS!

  • Maggie May

    March 23, 2009 |

    I don’t have much to say but just wanted to throw my support in 🙂 I’m rooting for ya.

  • Tanya

    March 23, 2009 |

    This is such a candid, honest post. Do you have an email listed that I can email at? I just wanted to mention something to you.

    Hang in there and don’t throw in the towel yet!

  • diamondsinchampagne

    March 23, 2009 |

    Maegan, thank you for being so honest about an issue so many couples have.
    Do not give up yet, I am sure when the time is absolutley perfect that it will happen. Do not throw in the towel, keep trying!
    I hope it happens soon for your and your lovely husband.

  • heathergyoung

    March 23, 2009 |

    Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler? It’s good stuff.

    It took us a really long time to get preggo. The month I finally got pregnant with my daughter, I was charting, drinking green tea daily, drinking grapefruit juice daily, eating plenty of fresh eggs, and eating salmon weekly. Both my husband and I went off caffeine (besides the green tea) AND alcohol (even during periods–because your eggs are growing during that time and alcohol isn’t good for them). I also stopped exercising except for walking for fresh air!

    I also took baby aspirin (like 80mg) daily. It increases bloodflow to the uterus.

    Oh, and we prayed like crazy 🙂

    Those are my tips. I hope it happens soon for you!!!!!!!

  • ~alison

    March 23, 2009 |

    You have ONLY been trying for a year. Back in the day before fertility treatments existed…people tried for YEARSSSSSS before conceiving. My parents took at least 5 yrs before they had me. I KNOW it will happen for you! Be patient. Trust in your bodies. and relax…
    ; )

  • numberonesistah

    March 23, 2009 |

    Not sure I can help but I’ll send out lots of fertility vibes across the country for ya. Of course we might wind up with a swath of pregnant females from Kansas to California…but as long as it reaches ya, all will be well! :::hugs:::

  • Carrie

    March 23, 2009 |

    Hi! I have been a reader for a while and never commented. Although there have been many times I have wanted to ask you to be my personal shopper. The thing is, you would have to actually move here and dress me each day.
    Moving on…I will never be the one to say I know how you feel, or, it will all work out. I have been struggling with this as well, and after 2 miscarriages, I have wondered if I can possibly do this. I agree with you on so many things. We are not willing to use fertility treatments either.
    I do want to say two things:
    1 We are trying to make the most of the current situation and take advantage of our no kids status. Vacations…eating out…buying for ourselves. It may seem selfish, but we are making the best of it.
    2 There is a product I have heard about called the OV Watch. You wear it while you sleep and it is designed to detect chlorid ions and gives you your fertile days for four days before you start ovulating. The sticks detect LH, and this way is suppose to be better. I have not bought it yet. We are going on vacation in May and then are going to try “harder”, so I am thinking of ordering it then. The reason I was thinking of getting it is that it seems like one month I ovulate for a day, the next its normal. This may help detect it better, and I dont have to pee on a stick! 🙂
    Sorry this is so winded. Feel free to email me. Hang in there!

  • Kosmopolight

    March 23, 2009 |

    Hang in there, my dear. I recently had a good friend go through the very same thing. I was just at her apartment this weekend visiting her new baby girl 🙂

  • Eneida

    March 23, 2009 |

    The more nervous we get, the more difficult ovulation.
    The tranquility and relaxation are the assistants.
    Everything comes in time!
    Kiss!

  • K.Line

    March 23, 2009 |

    Oh, Maegan, such a challenging topic! You know, most people who want children find their way to them either by adoption or by having them. Sometimes it can take a fuck of a long time though. Which can be tremendously frustrating and disappointing. I think it’s great that you know the following things about yourself: no invasive treatments, happy to adopt. Those are two important details to work out. I can’t tell you how many people I know (and know of) who have got pregnant as soon as they adopt because that’s when the stress ramps down. Your body is very sensitive to stress – I really believe (short of physiological issues) stress will keep you from getting pregnant more than anything. Lots of encouraging news, huh? 🙂 It’s because your body knows how insanely physically and psychologically draining the process of procreating is – and it wants to protect you! Like numberonesistah, I am sending you my fertility vibes big time.

  • Cali Girl

    March 23, 2009 |

    i know how hard it is.. ive been waiting to get pregnant for 4 years now! stay positive… you have this desire for a reason!

  • Tiffany

    March 23, 2009 |

    Such beautiful, honest words. I hope you get everything you want.

  • Leslie

    March 23, 2009 |

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this. 🙁

    I can relate to this post, even though I’m pregnant right now. It definitely wasn’t as easy for us to get pregnant as I thought it would be, and that was a killer to deal with. It took us almost a year to get me knocked up, and that year was full of disappointment and sadness and fear.

    I think you have a great attitude about things, and I hope that it happens for you soon. Hang in there.

  • J-Diggety

    March 23, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan, my heart is so sad knowing you are so sad… I wish I had some magic words to help you feel better, but I don’t other than I’m very sorry life is being so confusing and difficult right now. I’m not going to pretend to “know how you feel” but I do know the struggles of uncertainty, and not understanding why things are the way they are, and feeling so uncertain about your future, and wanting something that just isn’t right now, all relating to something I’m struggling with in my own life… and its hard. Life is a big pain in the ass sometimes and all you want to do is have a throwdown with it (that’s my response, anyway). I know this sounds trite, but I don’t mean it that way at all – hang in there. It has to get better, things have to turn around… I wouldn’t be able to keep going if I didn’t believe that…
    Sending you love ~ J

  • Sadie Olive

    March 24, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I’m a first time visitor to your blog, but I had to leave you a note, since I am feeling your pain, more than you know.

    My husband and I have been trying for six years. It doesn’t get any easier. I haven’t lost my faith, but I am beginning to wonder if it will ever really happen.

    I wish you the best of luck, and please know that as alone as you feel in all this, there are others out there that know just how you feel.

    XO,
    Sara

  • Franco

    March 24, 2009 |

    wow, i didn’t know it was that hard to get knocked up.

    foreign babies are the hottest eccesory now.

  • stacy

    March 24, 2009 |

    i understand everything you’re saying and feeling.

    after watching what my sister went through – IVF 3x, i had often thought if i were in the same situation that it’s not the road i would chose.

    i’m sure it’s going to happen for you – but hey, maybe begin the adoption process regardless.

    two babies would rock.

  • Megan

    March 24, 2009 |

    I am confident that one day you will post about how you’re pregnant. I just sent a prayer up for you. I applaud your openness–it doesn’t happen often in blogland.

  • maeghan

    March 24, 2009 |

    There probably isn’t anything I could say that could really make you feel better about everything you’re going through, but I hope you always feel that you have the support you need, even coming from the hundreds of bloggers out here that you’ve never met. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m holding out for you! I don’t know if it means much coming from a stranger via the internet, but I truly believe it’ll happen for you, so keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing everything right. 🙂

  • Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short)

    March 24, 2009 |

    Excellent post. Those are real emotions that MANY of us have felt.

    First baby~ first try. Second one took us (a long) twelve years. I was 38.

    It can happen…

    Sending sweet, positive, baby thoughts your way!

  • Missy

    March 24, 2009 |

    Really great post…love your honesty. It’s not easy, that’s for sure. If it makes you feel any better, I’m 36 and still in the wondering-when-I’m-going-to-have-babies phase. You have time. Also, I find that when I stop thinking about something so hard, things start to happen on their own without me willing it to happen.

  • Gem

    March 24, 2009 |

    oh sweetheart, i’m sorry you’re having to go through this. but hang in there. i’m sure it will happen for you in the end.

  • daynacupcake

    March 24, 2009 |

    Maegan,
    i’m only 18 but you know, i still think this because there has been times where i thought i was pregnant and it was quite obvious that i could’ve been but then in the end i got my period. of course, i get relieved when i do but it’s happened a few times so i wonder… am i going to be able to get pregnant in the future? is there something wrong with me? it’s normal to think these questions. it’s so difficult and you seem so stressed. take a nice break away from this situation AND sex. treat yourself to a nice sushi lunch, a hot bath with bubbles, and a cute nap with your husband. it’s probably annoying getting advice from an 18-year-old but i know what it’s like to be so stressed out on a certain thing. i hope you feel better. most likely, NOTHING is wrong with you. especially if the doctors are telling you that you’re both normal. take care xo.
    love, Dayna

  • Hollie

    March 24, 2009 |

    your brutal honesty is so very admirable, maegan. your thoughts and feelings are real, and completely normal, my friend. try to stay positive as hard as it can be at times.
    you’ll be in my prayers…
    i know things will work out for you and your hubs!

  • yours truly dear

    March 24, 2009 |

    it does seem quite ironic that when you try to get pregnant it doesnt happen. our friends have been trying for quite a while and they just found out they are pregnant. dont give up! you could always just throw on a prom dress and do it in the car in the park ;] you never know. good luck♥

  • Char

    March 24, 2009 |

    there are never any words really of comfort for this situation. everything always seems like a platitude or slightly patronizing…it feels like no one really understands. but, I remember feeling this way and though I’m a flipping fantastic aunt to my nieces and nephews, it’s not the same thing. I have premature ovarian prolapse and never got to have a child. I’m sorry for your heartache and pain and wish I could help.

  • La Couturier

    March 24, 2009 |

    I’m finally back! =]

    And oh darling. Don’t give up hope! You shall be in my prayers. And I have family friends who’ve been trying for years; after they “gave up” and just had sex for the heck of making love – not simply to have a baby – what do yah know? She gets pregnant =]. I think it has a lot to do with stress; I know it’s hard to let go, or forget about it for a while, but releasing some stress can do wonders.

    Best of luck darling. Lots of love,
    La C.

  • Debbie

    March 24, 2009 |

    I totally get where you are at…my husband and I have been trying for the last three years!

  • Nessa

    March 24, 2009 |

    Aww…im sorry. Hold on a little longer..maybe taking a chance @ ivf will work? Be strong. I love your raw honesty in this post, thanks for sharing.

  • Leslie

    March 24, 2009 |

    Have you tried upside down, on the kitchen counter??? I’ve heard good things about that position….just watch out for the sink disposal switch, it will scare the shit out of you and well, that’s not hot…

    You’re amazing and so is your uterus…period.

  • Fashion Fille

    March 24, 2009 |

    aw, i’m sorry. i hope you get a ton of good luck soon and i will look out for an exciting announcement!!!!!!!!

  • Annie

    March 24, 2009 |

    Best wishes for you <3

  • Jasmine

    March 24, 2009 |

    ahhh maegan. that’s a whole lot to deal with. it honestly sounds like a really normal reaction to the situation though. i know i’d be feeling the same way. looking at all the drawbacks to having children would be my defense mechanism, kinda like an “oh i didn’t really want one anyway” sorta thing. if i were you, i’d just keep trying though. i’d live by that quote you posted yesterday and see what happens. it’s not fair. you should just be able to get pregnant when you want to get pregnant. i hope it happens soon if you guys decide that it’s what you really want. honestly, i think a lot of people who are pregnant with their first babies have some misgivings until they actually have the kid. i know i will. i’m not a big fan of change…even when it’s something i want really realllllly bad.

    on a lighter note, it’s funny you say you’ve always wanted a black baby because i say that ALL the time. people always look at me weird. i suppose it does sound a little funny. but they’re so freakin cute! i plan on adopting one.

    good luck to you and your husband. my boyfriend (levi) and i will say a little prayer for you two. 🙂

  • Aubrey

    March 24, 2009 |

    I’m sending many baby vibes your way. If you are good, and he is good, it’s all good.

    Hang in there!
    Hugs!

  • TLT

    March 24, 2009 |

    Thank you for sharing your worries and frustrations with us…I’ll keep you in my prayers! I hope you will get what you want…I am far from wanting to get pregnant and have kids, but I do know that if I were in your situation now, I’d feel exactly the same! I wish you the best!

  • Tim

    March 24, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    My parents were both tested and all and were both ok but tried for 5 years and were just like oil and water. Seems there is a very small cahcne that this can happen between two people. I pray this isnt the case with you guys. However if it hadnt been for my parents adopting me and my sister, they wouldnt have had kids, and I wouldnt have been blessed with two wonderful parents.

    We will pray that God blesses you with a baby in His time as it is His will. Hopefully for you it is much sooner than later.

    Love and Prayers,

    Tim

  • Courtney

    March 24, 2009 |

    I wish I had sage words to share, but since I’ve never faced that situation myself, I will simply say I hope you have continued inner-strength and peace of mind. I watched one of my best friends struggle to conceive, and I know how very painful it was for her. xoxo

  • Leigh

    March 24, 2009 |

    I am sending all of my good wishes to you both. xo, and yes that quote you left yesterday does say it all. Before I got pregnant with my daughter I was with her father for 9 years and never once got knocked up, and we were never careful. In time it will surprise you, I am glad that you can share all of you with us here and I hope for your dream to come to you. xoxox

  • karina Manghi

    March 24, 2009 |

    MATERNITY IS NOT EASY, the best part is that makes you less egocentric and less ego makes you happy.
    Do not torture yourself, adoption is an excellent option, and being pregnant is awful, I always(3times)dislike it, I just enjoyed the day my kids were born and I hugged them.
    Anyway you are young, life is wonderful and mysterious, so try to find peace to decide.
    Love

  • Marie

    March 24, 2009 |

    I’m absolutely a firm believer that it’s possible to try TOO hard when you’re trying to get pregnant. I tried for a year for a second baby (I did eventually get one so hang in there, there is hope!). I think we put so much pressure on ourselves in this situation that it becomes all encompassing. It’s all we can think about. Did I temp today? Am I ovulating? When’s AF due? Are by hoobies sore? We hold onto this dream so tightly that we get to the point where we can’t think of anything else.

    My best advice? Try and let go a little. Relax. Once we’d decided to stop doing the whole temping, ovulation predictors, cycle tracking stuff and just left things to get on with it I was pregnant within a month.

    Undoubtedly the stress we put on ourselves hinders us from getting to the point we want – stress is not a good breeding ground (no pun intended!) for conception.

    Try to take it easy and let go a little.

    I can’t believe I just written an entire comment about fertility cycles on the blog of someone I don’t even know! LOL. Gotta love blogland for it’s sheer craziness of the TMI sharing 😉

    Best of luck with the baby making.

    xMx

  • Pretty Little World

    March 24, 2009 |

    I’m sending lots of hugs your way!! However it’s meant to work out, everything will!!

  • Anonymous

    March 24, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan, I don’t even know you, but i think you’re awesome and by the looks of how many comments you get on your blog on a daily basis, you can tell lots of people think you are too. Thank You for being so candid about your emotions. My brother and his wife had a really, really hard time getting pregnant. Two miscarraiges and lots of tries later, they are now 7 months pregnant. I wish you and your husband all the luck in the universe and i pray that everything works out exactly the way you hope it does. Lots of luck and hugs!
    N in NY

  • faith

    March 24, 2009 |

    Maegan, this post hurts my heart for so many reasons. I’m terribly sorry that you’re experiencing these feelings, this hurt and frustration. I do believe that it WILL happen at the most perfect time and when it does happen, you’ll realize that you wouldn’t have wanted it to happen any other way. I’m certain that one day I will be in love with your baby blog just as much as I’m in love with this blog 🙂

  • Kellie

    March 24, 2009 |

    Awe Maegan, this hurts to read and I totally feel for you. My hubs and I haven’t started trying yet so I can’t say I know what you are going through (although I constantly worry that once we do start trying it won’t happen). I’ve actually had several of our friends have this issue. One couple adopted, another did invitro and another haven’t done anything yet. I think it is a personal decision (obviously) and just listen to your heart. And I hope you start feeling a bit better about it all soon. 🙁

  • Jayci

    March 24, 2009 |

    Hey Meagan – I don’t know you very well since I just came across your blog about a week ago. But, I wanted to tell you I admire your honestly and willingness to share this with everyone.

    I tried to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. I kept thinking it would just happen & it didn’t. So, me and my (now ex) husband got tested. I have low (okay, non existent) progesterone levels. I went on Clomid for 6 months & that 6th month, I got pregnant. & then…I miscarried 9 weeks into it. I was devistated & it tore my marriage apart (there lots more to it, but my comment is already way to long!). After that happened, I actually decided when me and my future husband are ready, I’ll probably adopt first and try getting pregnant later. Less stress, less pressure. I think it’s a wonderful thing to adopt a child and give them your love.

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  • Mrs.GB

    March 24, 2009 |

    I wish I could offer some encouraging words. But it’s not like someone can say “Don’t worry. It will happen.” If only it were that easy, huh?

    My hubby and I haven’t started trying yet, but I am absolutely terrified that I wont be able to conceive. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother to lots of kiddies.

    But don’t doubt your womanhood. You haven’t failed. You are an inspiration on many levels to your readers, you are a good wife to your husband, and you sound like a good friend as well.

  • A Country Wife

    March 24, 2009 |

    Hi,

    I think everything has already been said. If all the tracking and peeing on sticks does your head in.
    Take time off, don’t even think about babies, forget about whether your ovulating, whether it’s the right time, ignore any ovulation calendars or whether hubby is taking the vitamins… just enjoy…
    One FPC nurse I once spoke to said she’s amazed how people get pregnant, as there is only a 48hour period in 28 days … thank goodness sperm live for 5 days 🙂

    Smile 🙂

  • Gwen

    March 24, 2009 |

    I think I’m late with the advice. 🙂 You will be a great Momma no matter what. I can see it now…outfit posts for the 2 year olds. And even though my heart aches for you (because I do understand how much you want this to happen) I have to give you a little dose of humor. Here’s my little secret to getting pregnant…Get Drunk. Worked for me and many of my girlfriends. 🙂 My thoughts are with you. XOXO

  • Wanderlusting

    March 24, 2009 |

    Glad you got this off your chest and are feeling better now. Your honesty is always appreciated.

    I’m sorry I can not be of any help – I actually started crying to my boyfriend the other night (had a wee bit much to drink) about how much I DONT want children. All I can think about is how much I don’t want them – and how that might make me a terrible person. I hate the feeling of being shunned by society just because I have no maternal instincts or ambitions.

    It’s hard on both sides of the spectrum. The only advice I can give you is that same one you’ve probably heard over and over again: everything happens for a reason and it will happen when the time is right. Patience is a virtue, etc. It sucks to hear because it’s out of your hands but just sit back and relax. You are doing all you can and that’s the best you can do.

    It will happen – seriously will! PS don’t stop with the sex, I hear it helps when you want to get pregnant ;P

    *lusty*

  • The Reality of Happily Ever After

    March 24, 2009 |

    My heart is aching for you… I’m actually feeling your pain and I’m so sorry you’re facing this —

    Your quote from yesterday is exactly it… it will happen if it’s meant to be — You are in my heart…

  • Nicole Marie

    March 24, 2009 |

    i know so so so many families who were having difficulty conceiving so they started the adoption process and bam their pregnant.

    good luck with everything. everything happens in its own time although how frustrating that can be.

  • PS~Erin

    March 25, 2009 |

    I understand (at least some) what you are going through… It took us a long time to get pregnant with both our kids. The second go round the doctors wanted to try meds and IUI, but we opted out. I did see a acupuncturist specializing in fertility. I was skeptical, but all that I read said I didn’t have to understand it for it to work. I saw changes in my cycle immediately. I was pregnant with my son within 3 months… started spotting… Dr (Chinese MD one) treated me and changed my herbs… I attribute her for my son. Since seeing her, 3 girlfriends have gotten pg while seeing the same LAc. Pretty amazing stuff.

    And it’s good for you. It’s helpful for the mind too… My mother (the biggest skeptic there is) said that she knew it was working bc my disposition was so much better/even/brighter.

    I found mine through acufinder.com after reading The Infertility Cure by Rancine Lewis. Hope this didn’t come off wrong. I just want you to know that it’s an option. And just to say that I’ve been there and know how all encompassing it can feel… And at times it can even feel desperate. I hate that feeling. And don’t like that you are experiencing it.

    Feel free to email me if you want.

  • Christina Lee

    March 26, 2009 |

    This is the first time I am visiting your blog and all I can say is…wow. this post really pulled me in b/c it brought back up all the crap we were going through to conceive our first (and only). it really does become all encompassing and hugely disappointing every single month. Just ahng in there. Sometimes it really helped to take major breaks-no counting, no ov kits, no nothing-to give your mind and heart a break!!!

  • Sasha

    March 26, 2009 |

    Mega,
    Let me know if you want me to help you find a great acupuncturist…I mentioned it previously..but please my sister in law after three miscarriages..is going through with a great treatment an the do not anticipate to do in vitro(FYI she is 47..?!?)..

    I have a great acupuncturist here in boca raton but through him I can try to find a specialist in fertility in LA..
    Just email me or something..
    Hang in there…everything will work itself out the right way!!!!

  • Bruce

    March 26, 2009 |

    I find it interesting that you can feel so ashamed, when the fact is, no one would know about it if you didn’t tell us. What the heck is there to be ashamed about.

    I really can’t give out too many encouraging words here, except that life is a funny joke sometimes. The things you want the most you seldom get, …. until you don’t want them anymore. Stop thinking about it and just go through the motions. It will happen. The poor homeless person never wins the lottery until a rich uncle dies, then he wins the powerball, but no longer needs it. Trust me, if you adopt, you will be pregnant 10 days after the papers are finalized.

  • K @ Blog Goggles

    March 27, 2009 |

    Hi Maegen, I’m sorry, this must be so rough. I had no idea you were going through something like this! I have no advice/ideas, except to share that my parents tried to have me for over 2 years (they were both late 30s) and then it finally happened, no intervention necessary. And then my accident of a brother came along about a year later. So, just timing?

  • Diabolina Da Fashionista

    March 27, 2009 |

    i kiss you for this.

  • Kenna

    March 28, 2009 |

    You have such an awesome support group via the web. It’s quite amazing. I am the what, 89th-ish commenter, so I don’t know if you’ll even get around to reading this.

    A friend of mine pointed me your way. You said things here that I have been yelling inside for years. Not that you need my life story, but let’s say that for the past 2 1/2 years I have been through hell and back a couple of times dealing with infertility.

    I can’t even explain it, but it seems like you understand. For that, I thank you. The past week has been especially hard, and yoru words brought me comfort.

    I wish only the best for you and while you don’t know me, you are now in my prayers.

  • Morgan

    March 28, 2009 |

    This world needs the gorgeous offspring of you and the pepper. You WILL get pregnant, and it will be wonderful. I love you!

  • Alianna

    March 31, 2009 |

    I can only repeat what you don’t want to hear: You are normal. You’re husband is normal. Do you have any idea how lucky you are that it didn’t come back that one of you had a low count on something!?

    While there is a very good chance you are off-loading your frustrations onto your blog, there’s also a good chance you are not just off-loading. In which case: It will happen. Relax. Think positive and try not to move after sex. I’m kidding on the last one; I’m not really sure if that works or not.

    Things take time; that doesn’t mean you aren’t good at it. It means they take time. You’re in your 30s and you were probably on the pill for awhile too. When my aunt and uncle were trying to get pregnant (years ago when they were in their thirties), it literally took FOREVER. That’s not comforting. Shit. Okay, just keep trying.

    I did hear that pregnancy is easier if the woman gets an orgasm or four – try something new!

  • jmae3

    April 5, 2009 |

    hey this post is a wee bit late-we have 1 son…mine from a prior relationship but my husband is the only dad our son has known since he was 6 months old…anyhow I want to have my husbands baby SO STINKIN BADLY…but he doesnt. Some months hes on board and then the next hes not. I currently know over 20 girlfriends pregnant and it’s so hard to even be around them anymore because I find myself jealous. I am always reminding myself there is a reason it hasn’t happened yet-and that it wouldn’t be prefect if my husband wasnt on board. that being said-Ive been reading a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility! it is unreal! Almost all my friends got pg from what they learned in this book…well that and other deeds haha! Anyhow-unless you’re tracking your waking temp, vaginal discharge consistancy and the height of your pelvic wall? It’s almost impossible to pin point your exact ovulation date. I’m sure you know this since it sounds like youve met with a few drs. But many offices go on the general 14 day rule which is really a bunch of BS. Check out the book if you haven’t already-I think EVERY woman should own it regardless of her plans/desires for life-it is SO informative for planning as well as preventing! Which in yours and my case is not our goal! lol I will keep you in our prayers soon to be mama! Let me know if you want more info! xo jmae

  • kasia

    December 23, 2009 |

    I know this is extremely late, but I was in the same boat a couple of years ago. I’m 32 and anxious because everyone around me was getting prego without hardly trying and I wasn’t. My husband and I both tested fine there was nothing wrong with our fertility but for over a year we tried to get pregnant and it wouldn’t happen. I don’t know if one of these things worked or all of them at once, but we got a dog, so our focus shifted ENTIRELY (potty training) I started going to a reflexologist who massaged my feet and esp. the ovaries within and I started clomid on the recommendation of my doc. I did get pregnant and have a kid now, but since having her shes 2.5 we have tried for baby #2 and still nothing I shifted focus, nada. I went to the reflexologist, nada. So now I’m going to try the clomid again. I dont know if you object to clomid but have you looked into it. My dr said its not treatment just a boost your ovaries get, sort of a welcome mat for the sperm. I know you probably heard it all but it will happen to you. Just hang in there, and dont give up, when you hold your child Maegan, you will know it was all worth the wait. Believe that you will hold your child.