Making Lemonade …instead of babies.

A couple months ago as I was going through my daily blogs, I read that Stacy @ The Best Life Ever was pregnant with her first baby and not only that, her sister was pregnant too! I thought to myself, how fun! Getting to share those 9 months together, having same age kids, there were just so many positives that sounded so appealing.

I don’t have a sister, but I do have a brother and a sister in law, who I adore, and I decided after reading about Stacy’s exciting story, that I too wanted to share those moments with my SIL.

The next day I got a phone call from my brother and after a bit of chit chat, I could tell through the phone he was wearing a smile . .. and then he said it. MORGAN’S PREGNANT! …and although I was insanely excited for them …I couldn’t help thinking that my new plans were shattered …and as soon as I hung up the phone I started sobbing. {I wrote this post looking for inspiration the day after}

As you know, if you’ve been reading for a while, husband and I have been trying to get pregnant on and off for about two years now but we had put ourselves on a baby making hiatus to just take our minds off of it and the pressures that not getting pregnant were putting on us …mostly me. But now with this new and exciting news, we decided to make getting knocked-up a priority again.

I got the pee sticks, the clear blue fertility monitor, the basal thermometer, the vitamins …everything. And husband got as healthy as I’ve ever seen him get. We were both trying really hard at working towards this goal and hopefully being pregnant NOW.

…and then I didn’t ovulate the first month. And then I didn’t ovulate AGAIN …and then we realized that we had put so much pressure on ourselves that we were not having fun anymore and decided to call it all off. Indefinitely.

You see, the longer I don’t get pregnant, the more I think actually being pregnant is not for me. It’s just so weird to experience those feelings because being pregnant was something I always looked forward to experiencing and being a mom is something I always thought I wanted. It was always in the back of my mind, always how I saw my future.

One of the reasons I started drifting away from my ex was because when the time came to start talking about children {I was 26 at the time} he wanted nothing to do with it. I had no idea then that I might actually feel the same way at some point. I had no idea then that I would have any difficulty getting pregnant at all. And I had no idea then that I would ever question something I thought and said I had always wanted.

I often wonder how my life choices led me to the place I am now. I sometimes think “Why didn’t I get what I wanted? …did I not want it badly enough?” …but I think I had made this decision about my life when I was very young, let’s just say 12, and when I think about my 12 year old’s version of my future life there is no possible way I could ever live up to those standards.

What did my 12 year old self know about life? Even a 12 year old who had already lived a challenging life wouldn’t grasp the reality of her 22 or even 32 year old self. But after I made the decision early in life, it’s clear that until now, I never questioned it or reevaluated it like I had so many other decisions I had made for myself.

All that in mind, looking back at the choices I have made in my life, in my late teens and 20′s, I can see that the decisions I made on how to live my life completely contradicted everything I ever thought I wanted. If I had gotten pregnant right away, I would never have questioned any of it. But I didn’t. And here I am now. Here we are now. …but now what?

Our decision is to not have kids at this point. And to be completely realistic, um I’m not getting pregnant and that is partially deciding for us …if it happens, it happens but it’s more likely that we will adopt in our late 30′s …or maybe not. One minute I’m completely fine with this decision then next, I question my own motives. I didn’t plan a life with no kids. I don’t like my “career” enough to do it for the rest of my life …so what am I going to do? Sometimes I’m excited by this question; the opportunities limitless. But on my less than confident days, I am confused and lost and really just want to get back in bed and sleep the day away.

I always saw children as an adventure to make my life more fulfilling rather than a point where my life ended and became solely about the kids. I just don’t know if that’s a realistic point of view or another dreamy idea of my 12 year old self.

Regardless of all this nonsense, I am so excited that I get to be an aunt to a little boy or a little girl in October 2009. I am overwhelmed with joy for my bro and sis and I get to see her belly progression every Wednesday when they come over to watch LOST with us. All I want to do is talk about that thing that’s growing inside of her because it blows my mind so much. I’ve always been in such awe of that miracle of humans and nature and while {on some days} I’m a bit sad that I don’t get to experience it first hand, it doesn’t make me any less excited that it is happening to my favorite people in the world!

So I guess, instead of making babies, we’re making lemonade …but hopefully it will be the best lemonade we’ve ever tasted …I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, and home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life with her husband and adorable dogs, two Frenchies & an old Pug in wheels. Here you will find her talking about their journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation up to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life.

63 Comments

  • The Socialite

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    “So I guess, instead of making babies, we’re making lemonade …but hopefully it will be the best lemonade we’ve ever tasted” – Loved that ending! You write so beautifully.

    I wish you dozens of gallons of great lemonade! Who knows what the future may hold, but a positive attitude really allows for us to see more opportunities than we imagined! :)

  • Wanderlusting

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Wow Maegan – that’s some pretty heavy stuff. I am a big believer in things happening for a reason and I think you may be too.

    If it happens, it happens and honestly most of the time it does when we aren’t looking. I wish that for you, and if it doesn’t happen that way, listen to what YOU want.

    Adoption is always a wonderful (albeit hard) option for you guys if you feel children are a must in your life.

    I think right now though, putting it off is the best thing you can do for your heart and mind.

    You;re on the right track. Put it out of your mind, do the things that make you happy and everything WILL work out in the end, whichever way that will be :)

    *BIG HUGS!*

  • Wanderlusting

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    PS: I always saw children as an adventure to make my life more fulfilling rather than a point where my life ended and became solely about the kids. – this is EXACTLY the best attitude to have. Kids should add to your life, not detract from the life you have :)

  • Savvy Mode SG

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    If you don’t think about it then it will just happen. that is what happened to many gal pals.

  • ~alison

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Keep perspective…back when my parents were trying to conceive, it took them five years to get me. I think we often forget with fertility treatments and all, how long it can actually take. With all this fertility treatment shit, we think we have to get prego right now! Unless, you are she woman or used fertility treatments you may have to try consistently for a while. Many do…and some of those many are inpatient and move to IVF etc…
    Just because you have not conceived yet doesn’t mean you can’t. I believe it will happen.

    BTW – didn’t realize you guys had made any decisions on this…I thought you were still trying.

  • McGlone Bunch

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I am the Mom of the girl that is in LOOOOVE with your blog, as am I :) I love this post. I have always known that children would be in my future and now am blessed with two wonderful girls. It is for some people and not for others. You and only you know what is best for you.
    We share a common back ground with parenting issues (your dad post) and I sometimes think that it makes people in our type of situation really think if bringing a child or children into this world of ours is what should be done.
    You seem like you do nothing without thinking it through and that is why I have told my daughter to keep up with your blog because you have a real hold on what we call life, and I think that is good for her to see it second hand.
    There are a lot of fun things you can do with you sister in law too. You seem artistic. When she gets big you could paint her stomach and take pictures of it….We just did that with my best friend…I think it may be posted on Tee Tees’s flickr account. You can cast her stomach and paint it and they can hang it on the wall as a piece of art, my personal favorite, I wish I had don it, or have naked black and white photos taken of the two of you, you holding her belly :? tasteful naked of course he he he

    All in all it is a wonderful life whatever you chose and only you know what you want.

    Thank you for being a positive inspiration for my Girl.

    Karla

  • FJ

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Judging by your posts on this subject, I’m pretty sure you want a kid but you’re trying to convince yourself that if it doesn’t happen it’s ok. I think you’d be a really cool mom. Have you had any diagnosis on the possiblities of why it hasn’t happened, or why some months you aren’t ovulating? Why don’t you want to use any help like Clomid or IUI’s? I think I got an ovary cyst for a reason. If I would of never gotten it, I wouldn’t have had a lap and known that I had scar tissue that was making my fallopian tubes attach where they shouldn’t be. Where the heck did I get scar tissue from. No wonder I wasn’t getting pregnant. The doc detached them and my tubes are clear and open. Hopefully now it will happen but we also just found out H’s SA wasn’t so great so who knows how long it will be-if we can even do it without IVF. Ah life. I tell you. I hope it happens for you.

  • The Seeker

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I agree with Savvy Mode SG, don’t worry dear, just let it be.

    xoxo

  • drollgirl

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    this is all so hard. but i am so happy that you have found some peace with it. who knows what will happen in your life next? that is the exciting part, for sure. ;)

  • ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Maegan,

    I helped raise my niece Laura from a baby (my sister was in the Air Force) and if it’s in the fates you have no children (as with me for the obvious reason), you can put all that love on your brother’s child, I did it with Laura, and now she is as close to me as a daughter (trust me, she’ll see you as a confidant with things she would never discuss with her mom or pop).

  • Chessa!

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    lemonade is delicious. I’ve been making it for a while now and it always lifts my spirits. all I will say is…xo. I’m thinking about you and think that we’ve said everything to each other from so many miles away that we possibly can when it comes to this topic. :)

  • Noodlegirl

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    When I was 25/26 I also wanted babies the bf said I was not ready and boy was he right as I turned 30 I realised I really didn’t want any now I am 35 ekks so old!

    Anyway you will love this sotry I know this girl who has been trying for a few years and they finally decided to adopt. Once they made that decision, but didn’t really finalise anything yet she got pregnant!! This is like after 3 or 4 yeras of trying they even paid alot of money to get pregnant and still nothing.

    It happaned to another friend as well once they stop trying and thinking about it they got pregnant! Who knows that might happen to you!

  • freeTEYme

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I was once in your shoes =(… and although the reason now for me not having kids is different, i still think that if they are meant to be you will have them… just look at those who gave up, adopted and ended up having kids of their own =)… there is still hope for women like us ;-)

  • Mommy In Pink

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    This was a great post and so honest. You know before I got pregnant with my little girl…I was so consumed with getting pregnant, that it controlled my life and then one day I said “Screw it” basically and took the approach like “whatever happens, happens”

    Then that magical day came when I found out I was pregnant and 10 wks later, I lost the baby. My dreams of having a baby were shattered and for a while, I didn’t think I’d ever get over it and told myself over and over, that I would never have children or even focus on that one more second of my life. I felt I had wasted my time and I was turning into a negative and depressing person to be around.

    Then all of the sudden, and very unexpectedly, I find out that I’m pregnant again and I didn’t care at first…because I was setting myself up for another loss mentally. But things worked out and it turned out to be the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me and my life is truly changed forever.

    Sorry for such a long post, probably more than you care to hear, but I figured I’d share with you, that you are so not alone, I’ve been there, and usually when it’s the furthest thing from your mind, that’s when it happens!

    I wish you the best and congrats to your brother and sil. That’s great!

  • Leesa

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I wrote a bit about not being able to get pregnant a couple of times on my blog. I can’t find the good post right now, but this one is from 2005. Has it been that long?

    Not being able to get pregnant can be sooooooo traumatic. I know it has been for me. Not sure why, but it sometimes makes me feel less of a woman. But mostly I think I am missing out on something (raising children) that is so central to life.

    Good luck with the niece/nephew, and who knows, you may get a surprise one month.

  • Leslie

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I think you have a marvelously healthy and mature attitude about all this, not to mention incredible patience. You are asking yourself all the right questions about some things that most would shy away from. For that, you are awesome. And someday, should you choose to go down that road, you will be a wonderful mother.

  • A Balancing Act

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I’m a true believer of things happenning for a reason. So whether or not it happens, now or later, what’s meant to be will always find a way. But…continue to have faith and hang in there! Things will make more sense later…

  • Miss Anne

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    i heart this post.
    you’re honesty, openness and positive attitude is amazing.

    sometimes we have to smile through the rain to see the rainbow.

    my ♥ goes out to you and the Mr…. perhaps you can enjoy some lemonade while smiling in the rain

    :)

  • Gabby

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    You have a great attitude! I think everything will work out perfectly, the way it’s meant to. :)

  • Jules

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Hubby and I got married thinking “we don’t know if we want babies.” But the longer we put it off, the more we realized that we don’t. We enjoy our life together as it is. And we love our nieces and nephew to death. We spend a lot of quality time with them. But we just don’t think parenthood is for us. We’re still young enough to have babies if we want, but we really have come to the conclusion that we don’t. And I think it is great to have that choice. Either way, or adopting, it’s your choice. That’s the best part!

  • Elizabeth Marie

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Wow Maegan…I have been following you for a while now and your attitude about this part of your life (well, you attitude about everything) is a never ending inspiration.

    I agree with Droll…you never know what may happen, and that keeps things exciting.

    In any case…your neice or nephew is going to have the hautest aunt ever!
    much love,
    Liz

  • Annie

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Might as well spike the lemonade while you’re at it ;>

  • Nicole Marie

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    oh meagan i’m so sorry this is so hard for you. but you’re absolutely right about imagining this life as a 12 year old that is just not realistic as we grow up. There are so many things in my life that i thought would be different, i would be different, etc but I had no idea what i was talking about at such a young age and its good to question what you believe or what you think you’ve always wanted.

    although i think you will be an absolutely amazing mom someday. don’t loose hope.

  • Bernadette

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    You writing is incredible.

    As a woman who didn’t get to go through planning pregnancies, I’m a bit envious of that whole process. It seems like the best kind of anxious there is.

    …and there is just something about other pregnant women being close to you that catches like a cold. Who knows, maybe you two will raise little ones close together.

  • Chris

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Wow, I find myself in a similar situation, but a little different. I never really thought I’d be the type to have kids. Then I met my husband, and that changed. And since we’re older newlyweds (I’m 35 and he’s 44), we had to think fast about what we want to do about having a family. I had wanted to wait a year after we got married (which was August 2nd last year) and then start trying. But I kept wondering if that was the right choice, and if I was ready. Then again, I don’t have all the time in the world to be wishy washy. And a lot of couples I know are having trouble conceiving.

    Then I got laid off last month, and that threw things in the air. Do I look for part time work to supplement my freelance work, and try to stay sort of at home until I get pregnant and then transition that way? Or do I find a full time job and then just go on maternity leave several months later? That’s assuming I’ll get pregnant. Or do we put off having kids entirely?

    My SIL Jeanette told me she was in a similar situation to yours and mine at my age. She and her husband were stressing out, trying to get pregnant, and she had a crappy job. Then they just thew up their hands and let things happen if they did. And she lost her job, but the lessened stress and increased relaxation led to her getting pregnant. But she waited and wished they hadn’t done so, because she can’t have kids now.

    What does it all mean? I guess like you said, you can’t predict things years or even months in advance. You have to do what is right for you, and if it happens, great. If not, at least you’re living your life as it is and not always waiting for something else to happen.

    Great post. I really, really hope the best for you guys :)

  • Chrystina

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I read your post and everyones comments because I wanted to see what people said, and as I sit here I basically agree with all of them AND you. Which is hard to explain, but I’ll try. On one hand I agree with what someone said about you trying to make yourself feel okay about this because you spend so much energy TRYING to get a child. And while that certainly may be the case, I thin kthat is ok. We all try to make the best out of our situations and I look up to you for having such a strength, patience, and intelligence to do that. To ask yourself questions, to wonder if it’s what you want. A lot of us just go with the flow and i think it fantastic that as much as you are letting go and have the ” whatever happens, happens” attitude, you also have a firm grasp on your life, and are going to figure out what you truly want.

    Youre a gorgeous, uplifting, positive, intelligent, amazing woman, and you’d make a fantastic mother. I agree with the other comments that say when we stop trying, or stop looking – things happen – all of a sudden!! I really don’t think it’s time yet to lock that door. Just leave it open a crack- forget about it, and maybe you’ll have a vistor unexpectedly haha.

    What is meant to happen will happen. Whether you birth a child, adopt a child, or have no children. Your life is beautiful. Anything else will just add to the beauty of it, whatever road you choose or the world chooses you go down.

    I love your blog, and I can’t get enough of your energy and humor, and inspiration. I wish you the best of luck in whichever way your life leads you, and no matter what you WILL make the best tasting Lemonade. Dont you worry. <3

  • Holly

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    i think its in your future, i really do and you are gonna be balls excited when it does happen!! in the meantime, being a first time aunt is sooo fun! :)

  • K.Line

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    I’m a mom who loves her daughter tremendously, but really does not enjoy the tedium and (extreme) responsibility associated with parenting. I won’t have another kid because I really don’t relate to motherhood. It’s freakin’ hard on marriage, finances and personal identity. Of course, I cannot imagine a world without my kid, but that doesn’t mean I glorify maternity. If you don’t want it immeasurably, it’s much freer to lead a child-free life. I think it’s awesosme that you’re thinking of things so level-headedly, M.

    Having a child is the one thing you can’t take back. The loss of freedom and innocence are a hit, no matter what anyone tells you. Next time you have a dirty weekend replete with tons of booze, great food, sleeping till noon and reading mags, remind yourself that that’s really not in the cards, 95% of the time, for parents.

  • Yaya

    April 27, 2009 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I unfortunately know the emotions you are feeling all too well. It sucks.
    And yes, I cry when I find out another friend or family is pregnant and I’m still not.

    And I too have the ‘why don’t I get what I want?’ thought a lot.

    Did you know they make a medicine that will make you ovulate? I know you said you are moving past that, but just wanted to make sure you knew about that before you made your final decision.

    it is SO draining. All of it. And consuming. All-consuming. Every day of every month is thought about in terms of fertility. We are taking a break now too. I need it to regain my sanity.

    Yaya

  • Amy

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Being an aunt will be super fun. You’re so going to be the cool aunt that the little kiddies love to be around. You’ll get to spoil the hell out of them and give them back to your parents when they’re bad :D Congrats on the auntie news. As for a baby of your own…things happen for a reason and will work themselves out. :)

  • Mrs. D

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Keep trying, but not really REALLY trying. Find out why you aren’t ovulating normally. It took me SIX years to have our son who will be here in 9 more weeks. Don’t give up after 2 years, it’s worth it.

  • I Like Stuff

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    well said. I think you have a really good outlook on the whole situation, even though you could get upset and ask “why me?” you’re just taking it in stride, which I guess is really all you can do at this point.

    Just think though…your feet won’t get big, you’ll keep all your hair, and you’ll never have stretch marks! And no one said you couldn’t be a mother either. I think the more magical part of human life is raising a child and not necessarily having one. At least that’s my twentysomething take on it. Guh, I can’t imagine having kids like, ever.

  • tanya

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I have to say coming to your blog is always so awe-inspiring. This post is no exception. I absolutely adore how you really use your blog as your outlet and give us a glimpse into your life. Not everyone can be this honest to themselves much less to the outside world. You know what’s right for you–I can already tell by how you’re writing and what you’re writing. The ride is always such a roller coaster–that’s what makes it so worth living!

  • The Alleged Ringleader

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I think you have a really great attitude towards it. I know you go back and forth with being ok with it and then upset, but that is just normal.
    What is meant to be, will be, and I know you guys will make the best of it.

  • Jasmine

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    your title to this post totally made me laugh. you could write a book about your experiences and title it that, and i bet you’d sell a million copies. i’m sorry to hear about your baby making woes. i can totally understand that the experience would make you question your desire to have children.

    i just got my esthetician’s license in the winter and have been hunting for jobs in salons or spas ever since, to no avail. i’ve been rejected and disappointed so many times that i just don’t even want to be an esthetician anymore. i put soooo much work into getting my license, and now i just don’t want it anymore?! i know it’s toooootally not the same thing and having a baby is so much bigger than doing skin care for a living, but i kind of think our responses are similar. your response is a natural one. it’s a survival tactic. it keeps you from falling getting too disappointed.

    i think the attitude you’ve got right now is perfect. you really have no control over what your body’s gonna do so you may as well just let it happen if it’s gonna happen.

    and, for the record, i think you would make a terrific mom.

  • Jasmine

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Joelyne

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    thank you for sharing this story with us maegan :) i pray that whatever your dreams truly are you will achieve them, whether it’s one way or another.

    joelyne
    xxx
    http://www.thesydneygirl.blogspot.com

  • shanon

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I’m so glad I found your blog and had the chance to read this. I don’t know what else to say, but thanks for putting it out here. You have a great attitude and I bet the right thing will happen for you.

  • Char

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    honey bunny – there is nothing new I can say that wasn’t just said above. warm thoughts from bama are being sent your way along with all the support and positive vibes I can send too.

  • Rachel

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Just let it be…and it will happen whatever way it happens; naturally or adoption. My friends struggled for a long time and finally just stopped thinking about it and it happened. They also got a new bed and funny thing is they got pregnant…call it timing or whatever…but I truly feel what is meant to be will be. I am sure you will be a mom really soon; it could be through adoption or natural. You are beautiful inside and out and any child would be blessed to have you as a mom!

  • b is for brown

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    just sending a little wink your way. you are one awesomely cool lady.

  • BeeHappy

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Maegan:

    Sending you some happy thoughts your way! :)

    Way to make this blog into a positive. I love that you are such a deep person and never afraid to be real. I appreciate that most about you!

    I can relate to you when you say “why didn’t I get what I wanted.” I never imagined my life the way it is right now. Not saying that I hate my life but I imagined being married and having kids already – I have neither. I’m not sure I want kids anymore so maybe that’s why I needed to wait this out. I’m also afraid to put myself out there which is probably why I’m single. I’m working on that! I got hurt so I guess that’s why I put up a wall. Hopefully the wall will break and I’ll be happy but until then I’m just living my life the best way I know how to do that! Great post as always! :)

  • K @ Blog Goggles

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    You’re so amazing. I’m so glad you’ve been able to keep a positive attitude – not to mention be open enough to share it with us.

    I heard a quote once (and I’m not a particularly religious person, but find it pretty appropriate): “We make plans, and God laughs.”

  • Underfunded Heiress

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Congratulations on becoming an aunt!

    I think you’ve got the right perspective. I think everything will work out and if not everything happens for a reason. I can tell from just reading your blog that you have lots of wonderful things and ppl in your life and if it’s meant to happen it will. I would just stay positive. Thank you for sharing!

  • kelly

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Maegan you are an amazing person. thank you for sharing and putting your heart out there. i wish you the best and i hope you do get what you want. big cyber hugs

    xoxo
    kelly

  • Solo

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I’m loving this post.And specially the title of this post..Making lemonades instead of making babies…hahaha.I love it.=)

    http://www.solofoodtrip.com

  • Saskia

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Thank you for being so open and making me think hard about my life, my future and what I’d like…

    There are no rights or wrongs in this situation. Our lives and futures are journeys, often not paths we would ever have chosen for ourselves, but we have to enjoy what’s put in front of us as best we can. It sounds like you’re doing that already.

    The best lemonade ever tasted sounds wonderful!

    X

  • Erin

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Congrats to your borther and SIL!

    Although things havn’t turned out the way you 12 year old self saw it your life still seems pretty amazing…sill 12 year olds…what do they know! Just be happy!

  • Mary

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    M, I think you have a very realistic view of life and motherhood. I’m not a mother but I think I can understand. Good luck with what ever your decision is. You will make a fantastic mother if that’s what you and your husband decide.

  • Penny

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I think I,like lots of women,grew up believing that having children is the ultimate result of our womanhood and that if you don’t do it,or want to do it,you are a failure.

    Like you,I’ve been wondering lately if I actually want that responsibility,or if this whole time,I only thought I did,because that’s kind of what was expected of me.

    Very confusing.

  • the gleam of rose tea

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    great post. i feel the same way, but about getting married haha. i have always wanted to and had this “idea” from when i was little of how it would go. but its not going that way. sometimes im excited because i get to do different things, other days i want to sleep.

    hope you have a wonderful day. drink a lot of lemonade. and i will pray for you :)

  • The Rest is Still Unwritten

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Wow. I have been reading for a while and didn’t think I would hear this from you. I do wish you the best,either way. There are a lot of kids out there that need homes. And just think how loved that neice or nephew of yours will be.

  • hippo brigade

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    what an awesomely transparent post! Thank you for sharing your heart like that.
    You’re an bright, optimistic girl, and no matter what path you end up traveling, it will be an amazing journey.

    Hey, maybe you can just ask Angelina for one of her babies….just a thought.

  • scarlethue

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Awesome post Maegan.

    Husband and I decided a while ago to put off the “kid” conversation until after I turn 30 (three years to go). We had said for a long time we didn’t want kids of our own at all, and honestly I still don’t think I’ll ever pop one out. The idea of it… well it’s weird and foreign and gross to me. It hasn’t always been. When I was a kid I wanted kids. I don’t remember when I reevaluated.

    I’ve been thinking about posting about this. Maybe I will one day this week. :)

  • Miss Eve

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    Dear Maegan! I wish you a lot of baibes one day…I think it will happen with you :-) This happened with some of my friends too, and you know what they said? After many hopeless years (try to get pregnant), they all got pregnant on a vacation. And they all think the secret is: eating a lot and get relaxed. So I suggested this to other friends of mine and they all got pregnant as well. They saying they get relaxed and eat more on the vacation as usually and they got pregnant. You are an extremely pretty working women Maegan (I’m sure you have a lot of pressure on you). Go to a long weekend often with your husband, relax and EAT EAT EAT! It will happen, I wishing you absolutely the best and I really believe you will have a baby one day. Love: Evi

  • stacy

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    what an inspiring and beautiful post.

    while my sister was going through the difficulties of getting pregnant and others around her got pregnant, she experienced the same feelings that often left her sobbing over the phone to me.

    ‘bless that which you want.’ is the mantra i would often offer her.

    and that’s exactly what you are doing.

    i can’t promise you it will bring exactly what you THINK you want right now, but i can promise you it will keep that lemonade tasting as sweet as ever.

    love
    stac

  • Hanako66

    April 28, 2009 | Reply

    I am so happy for you and your husband for your outlook and your decision:)

  • BlondieLox

    April 29, 2009 | Reply

    what an amazing conversation here… woman are so rad!

  • PS~Erin

    April 29, 2009 | Reply

    The whole trying to get pregnant deal is not as fun as it sounds on the surface. (I actually had hubby turn me down at one point bc I was so crazy abt the timing and such.) I think taking a break from the stress of it is fine, but don’t make any decisions on finality of it. Not ovulating can be worked with. It’s good that you know that and when/if you’re ready to try again, you can start there. Talk to your dr and/or alt med when the time comes. Sounds like you and your husband are using this time to get closer too and that’s awesome. Love that he’s there with you in this whole process. Hang in there.

  • Bruce

    April 29, 2009 | Reply

    I can’t help but think that the biggest problem with couples conceving is the over planning and expectations. No one just lets it happen anymore….it has to be ‘planned’ out…..I dont’ think that mothre nature ever really had a plan for this…..she just planted the seeds of desire, the rest comes about randomly and by accident.

  • Enrique R

    April 30, 2009 | Reply

    after being told by so many doctors that I would not be able to get pregnant (endometriosis) I came to the same conclusion..I wanted to be a mother more that I wanted to have somebody look or act like me…so i decided i was going to adopt and was Ok with it….so I applaud you because I know there is a lot of soul searching to get to that place in peace…having said that I still want to insist with acupuncture…I di it because of the pain I was living with…but I think the side benefit was that not even looking for it I got pregnant. My sister in law just finished three months of intensive fertility acupuncture and she is ready to get in-vitro next week with the acupuncturist by her side ( I would have never been able to do in-vitro)…I know things happen for a reason…and maybe a couple of years from now you will see why things are the way they are…I just wish you the very best…and enjoy your lemonade!!!!

  • mia

    May 18, 2009 | Reply

    I just found your blog an hour ago via the Laboutin post re-blogged elsewhere. Reading more posts on fashion and such I tumbled upon this one. And it made me cry.

    I’m going through the same thing. For us, it’s been 1.5 years of heart break monthly.

    I was diagnosed with PCOS and started Clomid last month – I was ovulating but not strongly enough. Clomid is meant to help- I feel at wits end most days. It’s such a topic of shame for me, although my head tells me to not feel this way, my heart says I am less of a woman. Other than my husband I haven’t shared our failed journey with anyone- which is quite lonely.

    Thanks for your totally honest post. Makes me realise there are probably many others like us who are going through their own struggles, and in that I find some solace to not feel so alone.

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