Say what you need to say …because it’s playing in the background

I sit here wanting to write, not knowing where to start but knowing that I’ve been trying my hardest to keep busy …to keep my mind off of what is truly bothering me. The end result? Some great DIYs but an emotional wreck of a human.

Yes, I’m sure my lame period is coming. And yes, even though I’d rather not admit it, the menses takes over monthly turning me into a crazed lunatic.

So here goes …and if you’re a long-time reader, you can just skip this because I’m 100% positive you know what I’m going to be talking about but I cannot help being redundant because I cannot seem to accept, forgive and move on.

I cannot get pregnant. And for so many other things I am accepting …I am understanding, but for some reason there is just so much wrapped up and around this issue that as soon as I think I’m “okay” with it, a new emotion surrounding it pops up and brings me to tears.

Yes, I had ovarian cysts removed in 2007 and yes I have been told I have endometriosis. However, the husband and I were both tested and other than our age {both 33}, the doc didn’t seem to think we couldn’t conceive …just that it may take a little longer.

Two years later, no baby. No nothing …I take that back …lotsa crazy!

I have decided that I’m not going use any fertility treatments which I think is mostly out of fear and the fact that I just don’t want to. When I’m truly upset about it though the husband states “If you really wanted it, then you would try EVERYTHING” …and he does have a point but I just can’t get on board with that. And secondly, I don’t want to spend our entire {house} saving on treatments and hormonal madness and have it still not work.

I used to think I was strong. I could NOT handle that. I can barely handle this.

Logically, I can give myself a list of reasons why it’s okay {or even better} to not conceive {and adopt in the future …which is a possibility regardless actually}. But emotionally my head cannot seem to stick with those logical “answers” and I am on the verge of tears all the time.

I am impatient, intolerant, sad, depressed, angry, moody. It’s ridiculous. The only time I am actually not thinking about it is when I am immersed in a project. So I try to keep busy. Very busy. But that’s not necessarily “dealing” with it and it’s obvious because at any moment I will just lose it.

I honestly had no idea I would EVER ever EVER have to even THINK about any of this. I thought I would get pregnant the first try. I mean, I spent so many years trying NOT to get pregnant. And now? And because of this statement alone, I think back to my past, and have more regrets about holding firmly to the fact that I wanted kids with partners that didn’t. If I knew then what I know now, I could have prevented so much animosity and hurt feelings, etc, etc, etc. Regret is lame. But whatever, this issue has just brought up so many other aspects of my life. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Here’s a list of crazy that swirls around my head regarding this topic:

* I am a failure as a woman
* It’s what I always thought I wanted. Was I lying? Did I truly want it?
* I am crazy
* What am I going to do for the rest of my life?
* Why me?
* Is there something better?
* Ugh, I don’t really want to be pregnant anyway!
* What, you crazy bitch, of course you do!
* Kids take up so much time, maybe I would hate it?
* All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom.
* Why do I get the exact opposite of what I think I want?
* Maybe you don’t really want it.
* I cannot seem to forgive myself for it. Like it’s my fault somehow …and it’s making me hate myself for so many reasons.

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON …and it’s extremely inconsistent. And IT’S MAKING ME CRAZY. It’s this strange “hope/disappointment” cycle that I really thought was over when my dad passed but the cycle {I must LOVE} has found a new path in my life. Monthly. Every single month, regardless of logic, I think that there is a possibility that I’m pregnant. BUT I NEVER AM. I really just don’t want to think about it anymore. Every time I think I’m not, I just start sobbing at some baby on TV. It’s just so ridiculous. It’s just too much and really, I wouldn’t have any of these thoughts had I just gotten knocked up right away. Maybe a little doubt, yes, but not all this crazy.

I’ve heard moms talk about how they thought they lost themselves after they had kids, how they had to reevaluate their lives and who they are/were as humans. And I feel that if I accept the fact that I am just not going to be a mommy, that I will have to change every single thing I thought about who I was, what I wanted and how I thought my future life/self was going to be.

And yes, if I re-read all posts labeled under “my baby our baby” I will see, it’s just the same old shit over and over again. But why? Why can’t I just accept this and move on? Why can’t I just be okay with it and why does it just keep coming back to haunt me? Why why why whywhywhwywywhwywhwhwhhwwy

I’m so tired of thinking about it. Why can’t I just give it up?


organized_meisel_09
…via

{I think I am honestly just so mad at myself for not being able to move on I stifle everything else. grr. annoying.} I’m really hard on myself. in case you haven’t noticed 😉

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

145 Comments

  • TeeTee

    July 29, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan.. you are such a strong person and are wonderful!

    When my dog died (which is totally off topic, but I have a point) I looked at the other dogs at the vet, and I thought, “Why do they get to keep their dogs, but mine had to die?” I felt so bad for thinking these things, but it was true. I was thinking almost the same things you were, but it was my dog.

    I read this blog, and the woman behind it was infertile. On her blog, she talked about how her husband and her were enjoying their childless-state.

    Just enjoy it, and a baby will come, eventually. I believe there is a reason for everything, and I am positive there is a reason for this, too.

  • Kristin

    July 29, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry for your struggles. But you are by no means a failure as a woman. What you are feeling is completely natural. I truly hope that a solution presents itself to you guys sooner rather than later! Although, I was able to become a Mom, there was a lost baby along the way for the hubs and I and I know the desolation that comes with not becoming a parent when you want to. Hang in there. I know I don’t know you personally but through the blog you come across as an incredibly strong and amazing woman. The kind of woman that can get through this!

  • Victoria

    July 29, 2009 |

    My Mum and Dad decided to have a baby (my sister) and they thought it would happen straight away.. it took 2 years! They thought it would never happen and then it did!

    2 years later they started trying for me and it happened almost straight away.

    I really hope and pray that it happens for you. You’re so beautiful and kind and you would make the best kind of mum. Lots of love. xxx

  • ~ Kelly Ann ♥

    July 29, 2009 |

    ahh sweetie- I know how you feel sort of- My hubby and I have been trying for a yr now- no luck. I agree w/ you on the fertility treatments- hold off as long as you can. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, I know this must be hard”.

    Take care-
    Kelly

  • RiAnge Creations. Ltd.

    July 29, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,
    I’m fairly new to your blog. I believe you are a truly beautiful, talented strong woman. I also know that nothing happens before it’s time. Being a mum is definitely a full time job. Perhaps there are a few things you want to do before having a baby. Perhaps, you really should just enjoy the process and not stress so much. And perhaps, you’ll tell me to mind my own business. It wouldn’t be the first time. LOL.
    You are doing something wonderful and purposeful here and when the time is right, which may be sooner than you think, you’ll be pregnant.

    Stay blessed, Angela

  • Kb_Mal

    July 29, 2009 |

    I’m sure there’s not much any of us can say to make you feel THAT much better… but I’m sure there’s a plan out there for you. Whether it’s adopting, eventually trying a treatment, serving as a foster parent… or not having kids but going on to do something amazing…

    You’re an awesome woman that so many of us admire and would love to be! Some things are in the cards for now, others aren’t.

    My husband and I haven’t started trying yet but who knows what will happen come that time…

  • shortmama

    July 29, 2009 |

    I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. When I tried for my oldest daughter I thought it would take a while and I got prego in about 3 months. We waited until she was 3 years old to try again. It took 3 years to get pregnant the 2nd time around. Everyone said to be thankful I had one, and I was. But when you want a baby it doesnt matter that you already have a child, you just want another. I was seriously depressed every month as I thought THIS is the month and then nothing, over and over again. I also had decided against any type of fertility and was seriously looking into adopting. It was by far some of the hardest years of my life, seriously.

  • Stacey B

    July 29, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry. I have only just started trying, going on my third month and just today had to sit down with myself and tell myself to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. It is soo soo easy to get wrapped up in a why, what am I doing wrong, blah blah blah game…and I’ve only been at this a short time. I feel for you so much and hope that you are able to figure it out.

    Thanks for the DIY’s though! You have an amazing sense of style that I wish I could portray myself. I’m on the larger size and hopefully soon they will realize that plus size women want to look sexy and stylish too :o) Love the blog, keep it up no matter what the topic. I’ll always be here reading.

  • Dawn

    July 29, 2009 |

    I just recently found your blog via one of your DIYs and started following you. Now I understand why. I could have written this blog post almost word for word. Only a couple of differences. I’m now nearly 44 and too old to think “it will happen”, tried one round of IVF which failed ($14K later – It only taught me that I can actually poke myself in the stomach with a needle twice a day) and we’ve tried the adoption route which isn’t going to work out unless we take out a second mortgage to pay the expenses for that. It sucks! I’m one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason and that things work out as they should, but at the same time my eyes are tearing up just reading your post and re-living the emotions myself. I don’t have an answer for either of us. But I’m right there with you and just had to leave you a comment. It just isn’t fair. There are women who shouldn’t have kids and can pop them out just to abuse then there are you & I who try and try with no success. Anger, sadness, feelings of failure, it’s all there all the time, even when you’ve convinced yourself you can accept it.

  • Lee

    July 29, 2009 |

    That sucks that you have to go through this, and I’m so sorry. I did fertility, and although if you have to go through IVF, if you do insemination, it is not as costly, and the medications you take are not so hard on the body. It is also not as time consuming as IVF or as invasive. You may want to think about it. If you ovulate and his sperm can swim, then a little help from a little pill is not always a bad thing!

    In the meantime, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are healthy young and beautiful, and the body is a strange thing. With the stress, that makes it harder to get pregnant…like the couple that adopts and finds out they are pregnant as soon as they get their new baby!

    Good luck to you!

  • ~alison

    July 29, 2009 |

    One more piece of info from my OBGYN…he told me not to do the ovulation tests (b/c it would make me crazy and prevent me from getting prego). He said to just have sex when I start cramping around ovulation time….

    I know nothing will make you better right now than to just be with your feelings.

    Perhaps changing a few pieces in the process will help mix it up a bit…your body may react differently.

    I don’t know…just trying to be positive and help anyway I can. I love you, girl!

  • Iva

    July 29, 2009 |

    I am so sorry. I really dont like commenting on these types of posts because I feel like its way too impersonal. I could comment for days to you on this. I want to tell you you are beautiful, strong, caring, smart, creative..the list goes on and on. by no means at all are you a ‘failure as a woman’, you are not crazy..its not at all your fault. I would tell you not to worry, not to stress, to let it happen, but I know I would just be throwing words out that are much easier said that actually done. I want whatever you want for yourself. Whatever you think will be best for you. You will make an amazing mommy one day to a beautiful little baby. Everything has its time and place. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Saying ‘i’m sorry’ wont cut it though on my end, its not enough. If there is anything I can do to help, just say the word. Sometimes just knowing you have friends that support your every decision can help. I am sorry. Just stay yourself, you are so strong, you will make it through!

  • [email protected] Laugh. Pull your hair out

    July 29, 2009 |

    My 2 cents.

    Take a vacation….leave all of the stress behind…enjoy your life (stress free) and it will happen.

    Or….you can take my kids for a few weeks…..

  • carly

    July 29, 2009 |

    hey girl.
    don’t feel so down.
    if it’s meant to be, you will get pregnant. just keep holding out.
    i have ovarian cysts too. the doctor told me if they keep at it… i most likely won’t be able to have kids. that was 3 years ago, when i was 17. just 20 now and who knows what the future will bring.
    you’re not a failure as a woman. our job isn’t just to have babies. it’s to make the world a better place.
    cheerup lovely.
    the world will be alright.

  • Lemondrop Marie

    July 29, 2009 |

    This is interesting, I just got a call from my dr today telling me that it will not be likely that my one remaining ovary will get me pregnant either. I have cysts too.
    So- more than you will believe I understand. And I don’t want to do any science experiments to get pregnant. I know there are plenty of children out there who need homes, if I am serious about having one that will be the direction I take. Peace for you (and me)on this soon I hope.

  • The Socialite

    July 29, 2009 |

    *BIG HUGS* I wish there was something I could say to help. Thank you for being so honest and strong. I know many women can relate to this issue. I have PCOS and the fear of not being a mom (even at 23) gives me hives. You’re so talented, smart, & witty – stay positive. You’ll find your way. 😉

  • Miss Anne

    July 29, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    Reading your post reasonates in me more than you know. As I’ve posted before we are starting the process of “trying” to conceive. As you know with us it’s a little less than conventional, and requires a lot more logistics than just the “oops, look what we made”… so I feel you there.

    A lot of what you posted are current fears of mine too.

    You are not alone in this.

    You are not a failure.

    Not to get all “Jesusy” on you.. but He does have a plan for all of us.

    We have to take ♥ in knowing that.

    Heart you little lady.

  • rebecca

    July 29, 2009 |

    Hmmmm I have many thoughts but the only ones that matter are I love you and you are NOT a failure –

  • Carla

    July 29, 2009 |

    lady I’m so sorry, I dont want to seem callous.. but some people just cant have kids.. we’re made to think as a society that we are failures if we cannot reproduce.. but the fact remains that people throughout history have not been able to conceive.. and its no failure its just biology… would you be a failure if you had diabetes or asthma?

    having said that… just relax… if you are sure you dont want fertility treatments, you’re either going to get pregnant naturally or not… thats it…

    I’ve known people who have had unprotected sex with their partner for 8 years thinking they were infertile only to get suddenly pregnant…

    we cant control nature… we’re lulled into thinking we can.. with pills and medicines and timing.. but we cant… you have a happy life and you and your husband are in love….

    think about alternatives (fostering/adoption) but as with everything in life in order to be happy we have to be happy with what we have today…. gratitude goes a long way… not depending on what we might have in the future…

    my heart goes out to you xoxoox

  • Hanako66

    July 29, 2009 |

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • ~Trish~

    July 29, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry hon…but YOU are NOT a failure, no way no how!!!

  • The Alleged Ringleader

    July 29, 2009 |

    It has to be so tough. I’m sending you a virtual hug! You seem so motivated in any project you take on, and unlike most Gemini’s you actually seem to apply yourself to tasks at hand! I think it’s just hard to accept that you are putting everything into this and not able to get the result you are used to and accustomed to getting when you want something and when you work really hard to acheive it.

    All you can do is keep on trying. You’re definitely not a failure!!

  • Lauren

    July 29, 2009 |

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with going back and forth in your head about all this.. I do it every day.. It doesn’t make you a failure as a woman. Not at all. There could be a reason, you might not see it until years later…. Like, you said you may adopt! You might end up finding a child that you will never understand how you lived without. Families are all different, some don’t have kids, some have foster kids, some have 18 kids.. But they’re all families and all special in their own right.. I don’t mean to be cheesy. Just don’t be so hard on yourself! you aren’t a failure at all.

  • Racquel Valencia

    July 29, 2009 |

    Oh man. This almost moved me to tears, girl.

    At the moment, I never want to produce children. Adopt? Sure. Foster? Why not! But give birth? No way, no how. But lately I’ve been wondering if I would be willing to reconsider that, like if my SO really, REALLY wanted “his own” kids… would I swallow my fat fears and go for it?

    The sad thing is that I take it for granted that I’ll be able to get pregnant whenever I want. But it’s not the case.

    You’re sexy, smart and sassy… stay positive I’m sure the pregnancy test will come back positive, too! 😉

  • Anonymous

    July 29, 2009 |

    You are awesome and amazing. Just let it go and live! If it’s supposed to happen it will, and if not, it’s not something that is supposed to happen in your life. You’re going to be ok and happy either way. Easier to see from an outsider looking in. You have so many gifts. Just be happy.

  • K.Line

    July 29, 2009 |

    M: I am always so impressed by your honesty. A couple of thoughts that popped into my mind while reading (take it for whatever it’s worth): Maybe beginning the adoption process now is a good idea. If you know you want a child and adoption is an option – and if you aren’t going to do fertility treatments – what’s the harm? It may take a long time for the adoption process too.

    Other thought: endometriosis is a serious condition – though not everyone experiences it severely. It could certainly impinge on getting pregnant – for a while or indefinitely. Do not blame yourself.

    Oh, and periods are such a torment for the hormonal fluctuations. I feel out and out crazy – CRAZY – one week a month.

  • drollgirl

    July 29, 2009 |

    this is so brutal. so painful. and none of it is your fault. at all. i hope you get a little baby (or babies) soon.

  • ohbrooke

    July 29, 2009 |

    I have endometriosis too! {fun.} Everything will work out eventually… maybe you should try chlomed, or what any of these other more informed ladies say.

    You would be a great mom, and adorable prego. It’ll work out.

  • Elizabeth Marie

    July 29, 2009 |

    Maegan,
    Words can’t express…I just want to give you a hug right now! There has been some great comments above, with great advice, medical, spiritual, etc.

    I will just touch on the fact that you are in NO WAY a failure of a woman. You inspire literally thousands of women EVERYDAY, including myself and I know blogging does not compare to motherhood in your heart, but please don’t give up hope. Everything else I want to say I will…offline but just know I adore you and I respect and commend your ability to write about this so publicly. I hope it was therapeutic for you.
    Love, Liz

  • Char

    July 29, 2009 |

    i wish i had magic words to make you feel better and to know that you’re heaping false blame and guilt upon yourself. i wish i could wrap you up in a hug and tell you it will all be fine and then we could share a banana popcicle. i wish i had a cure-all bandaide to tape it all together for you. but, i don’t have any of those things but know i am sending the warmest of thoughts and prayers. xo

  • Cassie

    July 29, 2009 |

    I am pretty new to your blog and I don’t know you, but I just wanted to say that you are in no way a failure. I’m really touched with your story, especially as I fear I may have PCOS and trouble conceiving…I go to the doctor in a few weeks. Your thoughts, no matter how crazy they may make you feel, are completely normal. The fact that you are able to think of all possibilities, hesitations, joys, and experiences you could encounter with or without child shows that no matter what happens, you’ll be ready for it. As hard as it may be, just try to roll with what comes your way and try not to worry yourself to death. Just breathe.

  • Lisa Petrarca

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    I had so many cysts over the years, one was so large it squashed and killed one of my ovaries. I’ve endured endometriosis, (which almost took my life) and I can honestly say, I feel your pain.

    Please know that your feelings are normal. When we don’t have what we’ve always dreamt of, we get resentful, angry, sad, and wonder WHY ME! Just continue to have faith and be patient.

    Don’t give up on your dream! You will have everything you’ve ever wanted. You and your hubby should go away on a tropical vacation somewhere, have fun and get some much needed relaxation!

    You are an awesome woman and I’m sure when the timing is right, ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!

    I hope you don’t mind if I add you on a weekly prayer roll I have called, HB Gathering? The power of prayer and faith is AMAZING!

  • Perfectly Imperfect

    July 30, 2009 |

    I don’t really comment a lot, just to pop in and beg you to be my personal shopper every now and then ( you should be seriously ), but I had to say something today. Everything you are feeling, I am feeling as well right now. If you hop over to my blog, you can read all about our (the hubs & my) journey to be parents, and how it just hasn’t happened yet. we’ve had multiple losses (4), I’ve had multiple procedures, take multiple medications, and still my arms are empty. Every time it doesn’t work I feel like I failed. Every time a test result comes back abnormal, I feel like I failed. It wears you down.I thoroughly enjoy my life with must me and the hubs, but it’s not complete. It won’t be here til our child is here with us. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Get mad, get sad, cry for no reason. You are missing out on something that should be a gift to you. and it freakin’ sucks. But the thing is, it could happen. Maybe (since you seem to ovulate) you should just go, take a couple tests and see if you can get some answers. I’m not going to write anymore because I’ve written a damn book, but hit me up if you need to. This frustration.. this sadness, I’ve got this. I’ll be thinking of you hon…

  • steph

    July 30, 2009 |

    Aw my love. That is so sad, and I didn’t know, but I really hope you do what’s right for you. I can only imagine what it’s like, and no words can express how sorry I feel. Although, I would like to say that you should never feel like you’re a failure as a woman. I know it’s impossible not to think so, but I hope you know that you’re not. =( All the best…

  • The Girl

    July 30, 2009 |

    You can’t let it go because it means too much to you.

    Praying for you.

  • Lisa Petrarca

    July 30, 2009 |

    I wanted to leave this poem I wrote during difficult times…

    PUSH AHEAD

    Your courage and strength is your crowning glory
    They can never take away your personal story
    You and God determine your destination
    Push ahead, without hesitation

    Try as they might to break your spirit
    Your heart and faith will keep you in it
    Believe in yourself and your path will be clear
    Push ahead, your dreams are so near

    Fear and doubt will creep inside
    You sometimes want to just run and hide
    You’re scared of failure and all it entails
    Push ahead, and you will not derail

    The road ahead seems long and tough
    The twists and turns sometimes seem too rough
    Your goals are worth the struggle ahead
    Push ahead, your hopes and dreams are worth the tread

    Reach high above and look toward the sky
    It sometimes takes just one more try
    Your steps are sure and your way is clear
    Push ahead, and you’ll overcome your greatest fear

    Perseverance is what it will take to shape and mold
    You and God will decide what your future will hold

    All your dreams inside are about to unfold
    Push ahead, the story of your life has yet to be told

  • Noodlegirl

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    Don’t stress over it you have so much other stuff going for you. Let me tell you this 2 people who had difficulty getting pregnant.
    Woman A : tried everything still no happening and decided to adopt after years of trying guess what? She got pregnant finally and she was not even trying anymore and she is 5 years older than you.

    Woman B : A relative of mine also same problem tried everything and then suddenly stopped trying and boom got pregnant she was in 40 by that time.

    I don’t know much about this but I do know a few other people its seem like once they stop stressing or thinking about it, it just happens who knows that might be the case foryou too.

  • Mrs. D

    July 30, 2009 |

    It took us 6 years to conceive our baby. Don’t give up, just keep living and try not to make yourself crazy in the meantime thinking about it.

  • Fabulous Finds Gal

    July 30, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan… I just want to give you a huge hug, glass of wine and let you vent.

    Hubby and I tried for 2 years (me 37 and hubby 35 at the time). Time was a ticking. I finally came to the point you are at. I was done with the charts. I just left it to God. If it was meant to be, it would be. I also, didn’t want to spend our life savings on a crap shoot. And, deal with the drama and let down that could bring. So… God took care of us within a few months I was pregnant. We called him Christian because he was such a gift from God. So many women say when they stop obsessing about it, it just happens. If you believe in God, or the universe, or anything… I would just give it on over. My cousin had a similiar medical situaition and they adopted two twins. They are happy as clams.

    You are one of the most talented gals I have had the pleasure to come across. Big hugs.
    xo,
    Christina
    PS. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. My apologies if that is the case, in advance.

  • OHN

    July 30, 2009 |

    If you are confident in the fact that you do not want to pursue any infertility treatments (they are not all expensive~well, maybe in CA they are, not sure about that) and you are sure, then there is no reason to torture yourself. It will either happen unexpectedly or it won’t.

    We tried for 8 years before I was able to carry a pregnancy to term, it was hell for most of the 8 years, so my heart goes out to you.

    Ultimately, only YOU can decide how far you want to go to become a parent. When we were considering adoption a very wise woman asked me “do you want to experience pregnancy, or do you want to be a mother”? I had to step back and realize that I did not HAVE to succeed with a pregnancy, we adopted and then had two successful pregnancies…and you know what??? They are ALL my sons. Going through labor changes nothing.

    I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

  • graceful nichole

    July 30, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,
    I started following you through another blog and have since abandoned most of the blogs that led me to you because I can relate to you the most. You’re artistic, intelligent, sexy, and the fact that you’re tall and give great fashion advice is a HUGE plus. I know all of these things seem minor to you when thinking (or obsessing rather…) about your dream to be a mom.
    I can only tell you what I know, and I think it might help. Three of my friends and one neighbor, were trying to conceive around the same time. Some of them going on 7 years! Two with PCOS, 1 endo, the other seemed normal but all of them had two things in common, 1) their inability to conceive within the time that they anticipated getting pregnant and 2) their extreme obsession with pregnancy blogs, books, social networking, talking about it, dreaming about it, watching tv about it…you get the point.
    Well, two of them spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. Literally years of trying. No baby.
    The neighbor wound up adopting a baby.
    The 4th friend had one pregnancy that didn’t make it.
    By the time they were all broke, emotionally and physically exhausted, near divorce, and did I mention broke?? They all said FUCK IT.
    Guess what?
    They all have babies now.
    Their own.
    Every single one of them.

    SO FUCK IT.

    Keep on keepin’ on and try your best to get to the point (like when you wrote with sharpie all over your cigarettes) where you are satisfied with whatever the outcome – and I promise you, based on true case studies of equally crazy (and not at all failures as women) friends, it will happen.
    p.s. one friend had endo and she was on clomid, she was told she would never be able to conceive with the way the endo fucked up her babymakers, 2nd cycle and she got knocked up.

  • Stephanie R.

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan..to begin with, I just adore your fashion posts and literary ability!!!

    Know that you are not alone. I too have and am in your place. At 33 I finally conceived after 4 years of trying. I had a blocked tube and was only able to conceive once I had an HSG. I was not going to do anymore then what insurance covered. I’m now 35 and trying to have a 2nd and just had a miscarriage. I’m sad and bounce between saying to myself “well that’s life” to “why is everyone pregnant but me, how can Nicole Richie be pregnant but not me”.

    Please don’t beat yourself up too much over this, and when you two are ready, adopt. You will be the only parent that child knows and he/she will love you for a lifetime when you give them the home and love they need. You’ll still be a mommy.

  • Maggie May

    July 30, 2009 |

    Megan if you ever want any advice or help on getting your body fertile for pregnancy, I’m happy to help. ( i have endometriosis, do you remember my post…? ) there are real, tangible NOT SURGERY OR DRUGS things you can do.

    xo

  • Sher

    July 30, 2009 |

    I’m not going to give you advice. You have every right to feel the way you do. In time you and your husband will figure out what you want, or choose to do.

    What I’m here for, is to listen and feel for you….and give you a shoulder…(hugs)

  • kelliegonzo

    July 30, 2009 |

    honey bee,

    you are such a shining star in this world of ugliness that you could never be a failure. many people share your pain and understand it, me included. i most likely will not be able to have my own children either, and even tho i’m still a kid in many ways (23) it hurts my heart so much that i know what you’re feeling is not going to go away anytime soon. keep your chin up buttercup. you are poetry, you are light, you are magic ♥

  • ~Mrs. Guru~

    July 30, 2009 |

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  • Bambola

    July 30, 2009 |

    That sucks butt! Big time. I’ve seen so many unfit mothers accidently fall pregnant with kids they didn’t plan and/or didn’t want. My first thought goes to you. I think you would be a great mum and you haven’t yet gotten, what they never wanted.

    I truly hope you get your baby.

    Thank you for being so open and honest. One day you can look back and see how much you wanted your baby & your son/daughter will know how much their mum wanted them even before they were here.

    Lots of love.
    Bambola x

  • stacy

    July 30, 2009 |

    ‘the joy of Being is the joy of being conscious.’

    this is a lot for you to deal with, never mind adding to the mix all the crazy talk those little voices in our heads do. try your best to silence the voice in your head and just BE. i think that will make dealing with this more manageable.

    one love.

  • Tram

    July 30, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan! Don’t lose hope or faith! It will happen, just try not to stress out about it. Have fun, keep your creative juices flowing and keep trying (that’s the fun part!).

  • captivate me.

    July 30, 2009 |

    sent you an email, my love…

  • Marbella Designs

    July 30, 2009 |

    This does not make you a failure as a woman, please don’t think that. Sometimes these things happen; no way to know why.
    You are still young and you and your husband are healthy and able, then it will probably happen. Don’t be too hard on yourself and take it easy.
    I had my first son at 35 and had two miscarriages after that. I had my second son almost 4 years after that. Sometimes it just takes time.
    I hope things work out soon.

  • The Lil Bee

    July 30, 2009 |

    Have I ever told you that I can relate to this more than you know? I think about you a lot… and I know in my heart that you are going to have a baby. Just trust it. You’re too good of a person for it not to happen.

  • glitterdice

    July 30, 2009 |

    i read this article recently and while i’m not trying to have a baby yet, i bookmarked it so that i looked into this should i have trouble (like so many of my friends!)
    xoxoxoxoox love your blog and your spirit

    From The New York Times:

    A Culprit in Infertility, Overlooked Yet Treatable
    By LAURIE TARKAN

    A hormone deficiency, often misdiagnosed, can affect ovulation….

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/health/07endo.html

  • BakerGirl

    July 30, 2009 |

    You are not a failure of a woman! I’m sorry you’ve had problems conceiving and I can totally relate to the whole “re-evaluating who you are”. I went through a major bout of questioning/depression a couple of years ago and it was all consuming. Something happened in my life that I had never expected, it wouldn’t happen to me…etc Well when it did it took time for me to accept it. It took a LONG time. It’s not easy to deal with the curve balls life thows at us. However, from personal experience, I can say just ride it out. Don’t try to put a band-aid on it and move on. It takes time to wrap your mind around major things you never truly considered.

    That being said, I believe that stress can wreck havoc on a body. I saw it ruin mine for over a year. I was so stressed / pre-occupied with my misfortune that I look back on pictures and don’t even recognize that person. It was like I died a little. After awhile I resurfaced. Some good things happened and life is slowly stabilizing. I believe adoption is one of the most important things you can do and from the people I know who have adopted, there is no difference. They love their children just as fiercely as a birth mother.

    I wish you all the luck in the world having a baby and finding your happiness again.

  • La Belette Rouge

    July 30, 2009 |

    Oh, sweet you. I know the pain your in. I wish neither of us did. As it turned out I write on this topic too today. I am at the end of hope. I am done with it and have moved back into hopelessness. I miss hope. Hope was really good.
    I wish you every good thing and that your baby dreams come true.
    xoxo

  • lynn

    July 30, 2009 |

    I had similar cirumstances as yours and felt stressed and dejected each time the aunt visited. Fast forward; 2 kids later, and a rolling pin under my pillow…

    My understanding is no one has told you that you can’t get pregnant. I think you will but you need to destress to create a positive baby making environment.

    Fact is there are many things you can do that Drs. do not share because the methods contradict their high tech medical procedures. I caution you against the expensive and unpredictable fertility treatments.

    Drink a glass of wine, take a load off, jump his bones. A watched pot never boils and practice makes perfect. I know, cliche, cliche, blah blah blah.

  • SB Sweetie

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan-

    Reading your post, especially your list of “crazy” thoughts, made me think that you are in many ways, already a parent, just without the child (for now!). The endless thoughts, the back-and-forth, the intense emotions, this is sooo much of what goes on in parenting (I have 2 children).

    You are as ready as you need to be (as any of us ever are).

    Being a mother (and I include the process of conceiving & birthing a baby)can encompass the entire range of human emotions. It can truly be the epitome of the human experience.

    Hang in there. Try to relax (if that’s possible?!) I think it will happen for you. There are endless stories of couples for whom it took 3-4 years (or longer) to naturally conceive.

    Until it does, perhaps shift your thinking a bit and consider that you are already on the freeway of parenting, maybe just having a longer turn on the on-ramp.

  • diane

    July 30, 2009 |

    What you are going through is really hard, and my heart goes out to you. My sister always thought she would be a mom. She found out that she has a “hostile environment”, and she was never able to conceive. She would have been a wonderful mother, because she has always looked out for me, and others. I call her Ghandi Girl. We are much older now, but I think this is something she never quite got over. What I’m getting at is, you cannot blame/doubt yourself in any way. If it happens, then you have experienced a miracle. I hope you do.

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    Hang in there. I have a friend who is 35, same problem. They are staring the ivf treatments but it is about 10g’s. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it and with all that stress it makes it even more difficult to concieve. You can always just set up an appt for ivf and ask ?’s and see what your odds/chances are.

  • Dane

    July 30, 2009 |

    I am 25 and whilst I have not yet tried to conceive, I always have had the idea of wanting to adopt on my mind. I had a troubled childhood and so I know what feelings of rejection feel like. You and your husband would make amazing parents, but maybe the man upstairs intended for you to have a child that wasnt necessarily conceived by you and your husband.. there are so many beautiful children out there who sadly are just neglected and discarded like a piece of used clothing. You should look into adoption, it is the noble thing to do and you would be surprised how easy it will be to love someone who isnt genetically yours. Its all in the heart.

    http://www.trustme-itsparadise.blogspot.com

  • quyen

    July 30, 2009 |

    This really sucks for you. Your blog here and on Tumblr are so awesome and they help me get through the day. I wish there was something we can do to make you feel better.

    PS. You are not a failure because it is taking you slightly longer to conceive. Things will work out. Keep the faith!

  • Watkins Wackiness

    July 30, 2009 |

    I just want to cry with you… I can’t get preggo either!! And I just don’t know what to think… You hear all the miracle stories and then all this damn advice and everyone has something different or some new wise advise of when to “do it” how often to “do it” what position to “do it” what vitamin to take, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! Can i just please fly out to Cali and we can just enjoy a cig (i haven’t had one in weeks and i’m getting stressed) and a drink and cry all by ourselves in our own pity!!! I get so fucking tired of people asking when i’m going to have a kiddo… it is NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!! Get off my fucking ass about it already!!! I’m trying here!!! And i want to tell everyone to keep their FUCKING advice to themselves!!!!! WE ARE NOT FAILURES! I can tell you that!!

  • Fashionista*

    July 30, 2009 |

    you don’t want anyone to go trough this
    i feel for you sweetie

  • The818

    July 30, 2009 |

    xo.

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    Thanks for posting this. You have said here exactly what I’m ALWAYS thinking.

    I can honestly say I know how you feel. Every month I think it might happen and it’s just another disappointment. I pretty much collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor every time I start my period. It makes me feel like I don’t measure up and if that’s not hurtful enough I end up feeling ridiculous for being so bothered by it. 3 years, no baby. Infertility blows.

  • Kez

    July 30, 2009 |

    I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. I can’t begin to imagine how hard everything must be for you.
    Although, I do maybe understand because my parents could not conceive. I am adopted.
    I know my mum’s dreams had to change a lot and she had to watch all her friends get pregnant and say insensitive things like, “Oh! Another accident!” each time they got pregnant.
    I don’t take any of that stuff for granted, knowing what my mum (and dad of course) went through.
    I hope to have a family that is biologically mine one day because of what I’ve been through (as an adoptee life can get hairy emotionally), but I know that I can’t just assume it will be easy – like so many of my friends do.
    I just hope for you that whatever happens, you will find a way to be happy. I really do hope your dream of children comes true – no matter how.
    I genuinely feel for you in your situation (hence the essay of a comment).
    *hugs*

  • april Marie Claire- Girl Japan

    July 30, 2009 |

    Me too Maegan… let it out girl, I love your transparency, but I also understand, I had miscarriages in the past, those fears and experiences keep from from going the the DR, and I should more often.. but I hate anything GYN.

    I have not been trying but it is the fear— that keeps me, and emotionally I am right there….

    At first I don’T want, then I do, then I think fostering, adoption is the key..

    Yet they make it seem like highway robbery with all the adoption fee’s yet shit moms can pop out kids on a whim…

  • Suzanne

    July 30, 2009 |

    Read it, and really feel sorry for you! While you can’t do anything with that of course. I don’t think you’ve to be angry at yourself, and should be trying to move on. I think you should let your feelings go, and just be sad for the time you’re sad. Not that that’s a nice view to look at, but I think that’s the only way you can réally get over it, to just get through it. But who am I? I didn’t experience this fortunately, so you are the one who has to listen to your feelings.
    Anyway; I wish you so much strength!
    xx

  • jennine

    July 30, 2009 |

    oh man, i’m so sorry to hear about this… and unfortunately it’s not an uncommon problem, so many couples face this, and i wish i could say that fertility treatments work all the time, but they don’t. both of my aunts had failed fertility treatments, but they both have families now (through adoption), also my mom and uncle are adopted because my grandmother couldn’t have children.

    at the same time, my old coworker/desk neighbor went through treatments, and while it wasn’t easy they were able to have a baby. it was tough, because for two years, she went through several miscarriages and when she finally got pregnant for real, it was touch and go. and my friend who was in her late 30’s went through treatments, and now she’s pregnant and due in october.

    i really feel you on this, i am 34 and just now married and not anywhere near having the ‘baby’ conversation. it scares me that i know i don’t have that much time, and that it may not be in the cards for me.

    i understand the inconsistency of it all… i really do.

  • That Girl

    July 30, 2009 |

    I could have written that post, word for word. My husband just pointed out last week when I got my period that we go through this every single month. I cry for like 2 hours at the thought of once again NOT having a baby.
    I get so angry at people who say they can be in the same room with a guy and get pregnant. oh thats great….Ive been trying for YEARS. It is unfair and most of the time I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum over it.
    I also go through the ‘if it’s meant to be it will’ but then when it doesnt happen I am devastated. Its so mentally exhausting.
    huge hugs!!

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    all these wonderful people are saying the same thing.. it will happen.. now say it to your self..
    it will happen..

    my friend tried for her first born for 3 years.. she has two lovely angels..

  • the Cats

    July 30, 2009 |

    No words, just HUGS! no matter what ~ you are awesome!

  • kay

    July 30, 2009 |

    don’t give up and try not to beat yourself up. You will be surprised at what happens when you forget to try. If you are both healthy I am sure it will eventually happen, I know you feel like it has been forever but you do still have a lot of time. In this modern world there are a million and one (new reasons) we don’t get pregnant. I know this is all easy to say but I have had children, lost pregnancies, failed at getting pregnant when I wanted ….Keep writing and maybe even forget to try.

  • Brown Girl

    July 30, 2009 |

    Oh my, I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I don’t really have much to say on mommyhood since I’m not a mom. I’m sorry. You are a wonderful beautiful person, don’t lose sight of that. 😉

  • Amy

    July 30, 2009 |

    An amazing post – made me teary. I have no idea what you are going through but I seriously hope that your dream comes true soon. Wishing you all the luck in the world x

  • Mary

    July 30, 2009 |

    I think if you don’t want to use fertility treatments, then you shouldn’t. We have not started trying but if we can’t, I won’t do it either. You are not a failure. Promise.

  • Cathy Voyage

    July 30, 2009 |

    Oh Meagan, I feel so sorry for you! But one thing is clear: you’re not a failure!

  • stacy di

    July 30, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry dearie. The worst part is all the self-doubt sh*t that you’ve got swirling around in your head…that nonsense has got to stop {I’m really not one to lecture…my pms is NOT PRETTY, to put it mildly}. I really wish you and your hub the best…wish I knew JUST the right words to say to make you feel better…

  • Deborah

    July 30, 2009 |

    xxoo

    You are blessed in millions of ways. You are. I mean, just read these comments and look at the love!

    You are adorable. It hurts all of us to see you suffer this way.

    Do know this: Those of us reading your blog are blessed by your transparency and fearlessness. Thank you for that!

    I am sending white light your way.

  • Deborah

    July 30, 2009 |

    xxoo

    You are blessed in millions of ways. You are. I mean, just read these comments and look at the love!

    You are adorable. It hurts all of us to see you suffer this way.

    Do know this: Those of us reading your blog are blessed by your transparency and fearlessness. Thank you for that!

    I am sending white light your way.

  • Aritza, Goddess of ..

    July 30, 2009 |

    You’re an amazing woman and, honestly, a role model for me. I admire you for your sense of style, your creativity, your sensitive side, your love for your husband, your sincerity.
    Thank you for sharing this with us, I’m sure thoughts of this must be constantly spinning in your head. I hope you find the peace of mind you’re looking for. I’ll be sending fertility thoughts your way 🙂

  • Jaime

    July 30, 2009 |

    That was a really honest piece to read. It must have felt good for you to get it all out. I feel like those feelings are not only normal, but span ages of women. I am 24 & have a boyfriend but in no way shape or form ready to settle down and have a baby. But I want 4 kids in the future, and although I pray FOR my period each month, there is sometimes a fear in me that thinks “what if the reason I am not getting pregnant accidentally now is because I won’t get pregnant ever…”

    I hope you feel better soon and keep believing what happens will happen and it will happen for a reason 🙂

  • bananas.

    July 30, 2009 |

    i’m so sorry that you are going through this. it must be tough but i hope you know you are not, in no way, a failure as a woman. if anything you’re a a survivor. keep your head up. i’ll be thinking about you.

    xoxo
    mayra

  • anhesty

    July 30, 2009 |

    don’t give up!

    xoxo,
    anh

    p.s you rock!

  • BellaCene

    July 30, 2009 |

    So first off, you are NOT a failure as a woman! Look at how many women read your blog and adore you. We love your inspiration in fashion & life 🙂

    I’ve always heard that once you stop trying, it happens. I’ve got 2 pieces of evidence. 1. My aunt and uncle tried and tried, spents thousands of $$$ on treatments & etc and they only got pregnant after they gave up on it. 2. I’ve learned in school [Human Sexuality class to be exact] that the hormones associated with stress have been shown to inhibit implantation of the egg. (Sorry for the “vocab” lol) Which is why once people stop trying, it tends to happen because the stress goes away.

    That’s just some of my advice. I’ll be praying for you guys!

  • Dan W Johnson

    July 30, 2009 |

    I don’t comment on your blog very often but I do enjoy it. I had a good friend try fertility drugs and they never worked and broke up her marriage–probably not something you wanted to hear but just thought I’d put it out there.

    As a single male, I have no idea what you are going through but I DO know how painful it can be to obsess about something and try though you might, you can’t let it go. My Dad has a saying that goes something like,”The harder you try to NOT think about bananas, all you end up thinking about all weekend is bananas.” It is a bit of an oversimplification but you get the idea.

    I often think of that blog you posted about your anxiety and how it actually made you feel like throwing up even though you weren’t really sick. I’ve gagged on my anxiety many times and am presently seeking help for it once again. You were strong enough to make it through that (many don’t) I wish you luck and success with this whatever you decide..

    Your Blogger Pal. Dan.

  • Jill Pilgrim

    July 30, 2009 |

    I am so, so, so sorry Maegan.

  • La Condesa,

    July 30, 2009 |

    I also think that behind this blog is a woman much stronger than you think.
    Barcelona from my sincere embrace of energy and strength.
    No words, just like me to be there to give you a hug in person.

    Kiss a million!

    ps: Google Translator goes well eh!

  • Dream Sequins

    July 30, 2009 |

    Been a follower of your blog for a short while, and you seem like such a strong, gorgeous lady. Now that my husband and I are thinking about starting a family, we are hit with that fear– what if we can’t do it? What if I can’t get pregnant? We have lots of friends who are going through difficulty, and it’s really created this distance between us and them. Hopefully all this overwhelming support will bring you a small source of comfort. This is your personal space. Feel free to vent. We’re listening…

  • Wanderlusting

    July 30, 2009 |

    Awww Maegan *HUGS*

    I can’t say I will ever know what you are going through (I don’t want kids…I don’t think)but I can relate to the frustration over things you think you should have, the things you think you should be and the total lack of control over it.

    I can only hope that with time you will find an answer, or at least peace within yourself.

  • Random Musings Of My Life

    July 30, 2009 |

    We are actually almost in the same boat.

    32 no kids and when will it happen? Will it happen? Do I want it to happen?

    I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Whatever messed up reason that is.

    And the fertility treatments. I agree with you about not doing them. I sort of believe that faith will work itself out and whats meant to be will be.

    As hard as it is the hubby and I just enjoy our time together, our 7 vacations last year. Still saving for our house…

    Its tough battle. But I also look at the way a friend is dealing with it. They took out a second mortgage ($75,000 in debt just over treatments), 4 miscarriages 5 years and still no baby?

    When do you just accept that it may or may not happen?

  • kt

    July 30, 2009 |

    I know what you’re going through. We’ve been trying for 4 years and in January were told fertility wasn’t going to be an option. For months I was fine, strong and pulled together but lately I’ve been a raving lunatic. My husband is away and I spend hours thinking about kids. It’s tough.

    But it’s life. and we pull through and we hurt and love and life moves forward. Babies don’t have to reflect our faces to be our children.

    Life’s hardships are here for our evolution not our destruction. Be gentle and kind and know that in the end it will sort itself out.

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    I can honestly say I understand what you are going through because I went through the same thing. I just want you to know it will work itself out when the time is right. I tried to get pregnant for 6 long years and just like you each month I was disappointed. I had given up becoming a mom and excepted the fact that it wasn’t in my plan and then out of no where I missed a period. I was scared to take a pregnancy test. My friend convinced me to do it and when it came back positive I was in shock. THe pregnancy wasn’t easy. I actually spent 5 months on bedrest but I will say it was worth every second because I have a healthy 9 year old daughter now./ You have to relax and don’t stress about it. I know it’s not easy but it will happen. You are a young healthy beautiful young lady. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  • CaraBella

    July 30, 2009 |

    Aww, honey. I don’t have much wisdom to share, at all, actually. But here is a hug. And I’m glad you’re sharing, bc keeping stuff like this in your head, well, sucks unimaginably, and sometimes you have to say/write everything out loud to help it get out. Emotion sometimes is completely the antithesis of logic (er, if that’s correct) — and from reading what you’ve written, it sounds like you want your own baby, made by you + hubby, like nobody’s business. And you shouldn’t fault yourself for that. Nor should you fault yourself for knowing your limitations too, even if your partner doesn’t agree with you, or points out perhaps a flaw in your “logic” (relating to fertility treatments) — but hey, your body, you know how you feel. Sometimes “can’t” is a challenge to people, but sometimes it’s truth + learning “acceptance” is the end lesson. I know, this sounds like gibberish; I just want to say to trust in yourself, bc you’ve got a lot of support out here, and don’t forget to love you, no matter what you choose. Two years seems like a long time, I know — my in-laws tried for my husband for 6 years, and finally got him (30+ years ago). Thought they were done bc it took so freakin long, then when he (at 4 of 5) asked why he didn’t have sibs, they said God must have meant him to be the one they loved; he said he’d pray for a baby sister, and soon Katie came along, no lie 🙂 Er, not that I’m suggesting one way or another, just that life is funny sometimes. Hugs!

  • Brett Alexandra

    July 30, 2009 |

    Oh lady I am so sorry you’re going through this hard time. I try to tell myself that God really does have a plan for all of us. Even though the journey towards that is confusing and sometimes not what we expected, it will always turn out okay in the end. My cousin was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 19. We had so many scares but she pulled through. Not only that but she had a baby boy a few years later! Who woulda thought?! Miracles do happen and I know they’ll happen for you. I’ll be praying for you two..<3

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan, I’m going to say something that not one person has said. What you have to ask yourself is why is this happening and where does the gift of life really come from? As humans in these fleshly bodies we like to think that we make our own rules and decide our own fate but this is not actually so. Yes we are free to make our own choices, but there IS a God, and only one true, living God. The Most High has created, designed, and loves YOU. He has a plan for your life and wants to have a relationship with you, just like all his children. You CAN get pregnant, your body CAN and WILL be healed from any abnormal blockages you may have. The question is , do you believe it or do you want to learn to get the faith to have it? It can surely happen for you. Just call on Him with a sincere heart, he WILL answer. Get to know Jesus, as he is the Master of changing hearts and circumstances. You WILL find so much more than you ever thought you could , not just your baby, but peace of mind.

  • TERI REES WANG

    July 30, 2009 |

    You will receive everything and every one you want/crave/need soon enough.

    Regular doctors are not necessarily “healer”, so seek out a Healer.

    In Santa Monica/Venice/Malibu we have just so many “Healer” that are waiting for our arrival, waiting to be of assistance to all of our needs and our worries.

    >The Inner Harmony Wellness Center is one (they do a complete emotional and physical interview with a 7 step follow through process).
    >Adam at Acutonix on Abbot Kinney is another for acupuncture. He assisted my friend after many miscarriages, to get to fruition.
    > Then there is “Jose the Healer” who can do all kinds of voo doo right over the phone!

    Be well.
    Do good.
    All ways.
    All days.
    Stay true.

  • Monika P.

    July 30, 2009 |

    life is soo complicated;)!

    http://jeadorefashion.blogspot.com

  • Fegalves

    July 30, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    I take a look at your blog everyday. So, somehow, I feel near you – although I actually live in another country – and i really have to say: You are not a failure as a woman! Please! Try not to see thing that way…

    I really, really REALLY hope that everything gets better to you… That you get over it…maybe adoption is a good thing, you know.. I have 2 adopted cousins, and I want to adopt too..

    Hope u get through this.

    Be happy.

  • OceanDreams

    July 30, 2009 |

    Aww, thank you for your raw honesty and everything you are going through is normal, like the other ladies posted. To give you a little hope…it took my mom and dad 6 years to get pregnant with me. They did not give up hope and then they not only had me, but they had my brother too. My mom needed to get her tubes cleared and after that she finally got pregnant! So, don’t give up hope and have you thought about maybe adopting? I hope that you are able to get pregnant soon and find a comfort and warmth in those who love you most. Take care!

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    I know what you are going through, but in a different way. I had a baby almost 7 years ago, and we have just started trying to have another. I have found out I have no problem getting pregnant! BUT have had 2 miscarriages one in May, on mothers day no less, and one last week. It sucks. So in a round about way I know exactly what you are feeling, and I truely feel for you. Have you tried eating different foods? I have read that different foods can make your vagina more or less acidic and therefor more or less friendly to sperm…if I recall the less acidic the better. Anyways, look into that! Good luck, and just keep having fun trying!

  • Children of the 90s

    July 30, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry, Maegan. That list is so far from the truth, also, you’re not a failure at all. I’ll be thinking of you–good luck! Remember, there’s no hurry or deadline for these sorts of things.

  • Anonymous

    July 30, 2009 |

    My hubby and I have been trying for nearly 3 years. I never wanted to have kids, hubby did, and then 4 years ago (we’ve been married 8) I thought it might be nice.

    After all the back and forth that comes with that decision, we decided to stop trying NOT to have a baby, year later TRYING to have a baby.

    It seems the longer this goes on the higher the Highs and the Lower the lows. From my life will never be complete to I really don’t want the hassle. I have those thoughts, maybe this is what I get for not wanting kids, I must not really want them if I’m not willing to sacrifice our financial future to make a baby.

    As friends have kids and more kids, I feel like a failure, and of course when I decided I told my friends that we were going to start trying, 3 years later they stop asking questions. I wonder is this my life forever and ever. I always thought of the next step, graduate, career, marriage, baby, teen, plan for college, empty nest, retirement, grand-babies.

    If we don’t have kids, then it stops here? I joke that we will have more money to retire with, but really is this who and where I’ll be until we reach financial security?

    Just know that you are not alone, and I don’t think it gets easier, just easier to hide.

  • Ashley

    July 30, 2009 |

    Meagan,

    I am new to your blog but I can see that your are an amazingly beautfiful woman inside and out! I wish you all the best and hope that things work out for you.

    XOX
    Ashley

  • The Traveling Circus

    July 30, 2009 |

    I can’t imagine what your feeling, but I just wanted to say that you are such a creative and beautiful person. I really enjoy reading your blog, and I am using some of your DIY projects to make presents for the people I am staying with while I’m going around America.
    So cheer up. you are wonderful!

  • Sazz

    July 30, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan! This post got to me in ways that you can’t imaggine. I am going through fertility issues too. I have been trying for nine months and nothing. LAs cycle I started fertility drugs (Femara) because I discovered that I’m not ovulating. I did not get pregnant but I’m still trying. LAst night I had one of those horrible nights where you feel, well you feel exactly what you wrote on your blog. I just lost it. I felt bad for the beginning of a new cycle, for not getting pregnant and I just felt broken inside. (You can read it here http://sazza-land.blogspot.com/).

    I know it’s not easy or cheap but talk to a doctor and check with your insurance. SO far I haven’t had to pay much and there are other thing that can work that are not as expensive as in vitro, like IUI’s or other drugs.

    It’s not easy and I’m not going to tell you that it will happen or just relax b/c to me those words are the worst thing someone can tell me. Cry, whine, bitch, complain and then find something that makes you happy and do it. If treatments are not an option then adopting is always good. SO many kids need good families.

    Because I know all of this is really expensive we have started putting some money from his paycheck straight to a savings account (I don’t work) and all of our change goes into a piggy bank. In only a few months we have been able to save a decent amount that we can use for treatments and/or when the baby comes.

    I wish you lost of luck and peace.

    Xo,
    Sazz

  • Sazz

    July 30, 2009 |

    I forgot to tell you that I have found that tracking my ovulation with OPK’s and taking my basal temperature have helped a lot. That’s how I knew I was not ovulating so there was no way that I could get pregnant. Every cycle and every person is different so tracking your ovulation through your temperature tells you exactly when you have ovulated. If you ever need more information or want to know something let me know through my blog. Maybe I could help you with some things that you might have not tried before.

    GL!

  • Fonville Farm

    July 31, 2009 |

    Maegan,
    I’m so sorry. I don’t know if there are any words to make it better. I can tell you that you are not a failure as a woman! I know that you would be a great mother, and have a very stylish well dressed child:) I would like to email you something that I don’t really want to share on here if that would be ok. I know that things will be better!
    Robin

  • TERI REES WANG

    July 31, 2009 |

    Fellow blogger ‘A Cheery Disposition’ may have something in line with your thinking…

    A “Dear Future baby”..letter!

    http://acheerydisposition.blogspot.com/2009/07/dear-very-future-baby.html

  • Midtown Girl

    July 31, 2009 |

    Maegan – I admire your honesty, your heart and your writing.

    My stepdad once told me (when things were so hellish), “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”.

    I really believe this bc in order to become a stronger person you have to be able to face what hurts you and what is painful, so that you can work through it.

    I believe in your strength darling – and never think twice about posting what you are feeling – we are here to support, always!

    XOXO MG

  • K @ Blog Goggles

    July 31, 2009 |

    I’m so glad you write about this, even though I’m sure it must be so difficult. It’s such an important topic – to you, to all of us. Thank you so much for letting us in.

  • Stephanie

    July 31, 2009 |

    Maegan, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are an extremely talented woman – I totally appreciate your honest blog posts – it’s a reminder that we all have life issues to deal with! Like many of your loyal readers, I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. XX

  • Yaya

    July 31, 2009 |

    Maegan, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. It’s not fair. I can relate to these thoughts you have posted about. I just wish no one had to go through this. Infertility is so isolating and those who have not experienced have no idea the range of emotions we feel, the highs and lows, of every single cycle.
    I hope what you desire comes to you soon. I know how hard it is to be in the waiting game.
    (((Hugs)))
    Yaya

  • heathergyoung

    July 31, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I have a feeling you’re going to get pregnant. Actually, I’ve had that feeling for a while! For the past few months, I’ve actually gone away from your blog, hoping to come back to you modeling some maternity clothes! I plan to go away again, and get surprised the next time I come back 🙂

    We have dealt with our fair share of the pain of wanting a child. You already know of our loss of our daughter at 38 weeks, but we have also had two miscarriages since. This stuff is so so so hard, but we still have hope that God is going to bless us with a child.

    Don’t give up. Keep getting excited that you’re pregnant each month. It’s gonna happen, even if it ends up taking fertility drugs or who knows what.

  • Clorivak

    July 31, 2009 |

    This is such an honest,personal post…Inner Dialogue sucks,reading yours made me think of my own…man,we can really be hard on ourselves and its like we want to rupture our hopes and dreams or something does. Don’t fret…even thought I know its hard.. I believe in life that timing is everything and things happen when they should and for a reason… maybe you are just not completely ready…I know in your mind you think you are but maybe not…who knows.
    Don’t be hard on yourself anymore,ride the wave of life and think and speak positively and good things will start to happen. Quantum Physics baby…ever see what the bleep do you know…heehee. Sorry for the random weirdnes..hehe, Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!

  • Kristy Lynne

    July 31, 2009 |

    I found that I can really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing it, coincidently I had written a post similar to this only a couple days ago. (www.Kristyandyou.blogspot.com)

    The life you want will happen for you.

  • Bunnæ

    July 31, 2009 |

    I too, am unable to conceive.

    You are not a failure, you are the dream of thousands of kids that want to have a mommy that loves them…please adopt!

    Love, Bunnæ

    /)_/)
    ( n.n)
    x( (“)(“)

  • Jill

    July 31, 2009 |

    Just breathe…

  • Blicious

    July 31, 2009 |

    this post just brought me to tears! you sound like me sometimes! not about the prego part but about things that cant seem to go the way i want! i am sureeee you get this a lot but i promise if you stop trying it will happen! you will be blessed with a great gift. be thankful for you and your husbands health and everything else will work out.

    hope this helps!

    XOXO

  • down and out chic

    July 31, 2009 |

    you are certainly not alone and you are most definitely not a failure. as for crazy, aren’t we all a little crazy at least?
    you’re going to be a good mom and in due time you’ll have your baby or babies. for now, be comforted and know that there is much love to be had all around you (and on this blog, obviously).

  • Vanessa

    July 31, 2009 |

    I can sorta relate…we’ve been trying for a year now and nothing. Every month is such a disappointment but I’m trying not to be bitter (if I’m not bitter already). Hang in there sweetie!

  • Candi

    July 31, 2009 |

    While at this point in my life, I cannot relate with wanting to have a child, I can relate with wanting things to be a certain way, and becoming more and more upset by the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my dad, and that my grandma isn’t the way she used to be. I think it’s wonderful that you’re able to talk about it, cry about it, there are so many people who keep everything inside and as we both know keeping it inside can cause unwanted anxiety.

    While I only know you through blogging, I look up to you and respect you so much. You’re such a strong person, and I just hope that everything works out for you, I think you’d be a wonderful mom.

  • J-Diggety

    July 31, 2009 |

    I’m sorry it took me so long to post a comment on your post…

    When I first read this, I wanted to cry because I know how you feel… not exactly, as I’m not trying to have a baby at the moment, but there is something not happening in my life that I want more than anything and I just don’t get what the hold up is… hello? universe? did you forget about me??

    And it’s very hard not to blame yourself, be angry at yourself… SO hard.

    But it seems from your subsequent posts that you’re feeling better. I’m glad. And I loved the insight you had about your little girl dreams vs. your dreams now. Something I should consider, too. 🙂

  • Jonathan

    August 1, 2009 |

    i dont have a lot experience in this as most of your other commenters do. im still in the category of trying not to get pregnant yet, but i have to say my frustrated heart goes out to you. im so scared im going to be in that same boat, with PCOS and all…i will hope hard for you. 🙂

  • Jonathan

    August 1, 2009 |

    oh, this is Holly @ zucchero, zucchero. im on my boyf’s computer!

  • Big Red

    August 1, 2009 |

    I don’t think I could impart any specific knowledge or better words that all of the comments above have given. So this will have to do:

    BBBBIIIIIIGGGGG HHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGG!

    And just remember to Love It Everyday! No matter that “It” is. 🙂

  • c.e.n.hogben

    August 1, 2009 |

    I’m only 19 so my hormones aren’t screaming for babies just yet, but I’m pretty sure I do want children eventually and what you’re going through is clearly just terribly difficult and painful.

    As far as having children is concerned – nature and people work in mysterious ways. Keep yourself in the company of your loved ones and don’t get down. I know personally of a couple (the woman was 37), who had tried for 4 YEARS – and in 2006 they had their lovely little boy. And she has just given birth to a second child.
    It’s a long wait – but you know it’s worth it!

    And second, as for being a woman.
    There are two things people seem to use as yardsticks for “successful” femininity – one, having a boyfriend/husband/lover, and two, having children.

    This is the 21st century and you no longer need either to prove your womanliness. You are an articulate, beautiful WOMAN… Don’t forget it!

    Keep strong and good luck sister! 🙂

  • Nell Bell

    August 2, 2009 |

    You are not a failure as a woman and you are not crazy because you are having trouble conceiving. This is something that any loving and nurturing woman who wants a baby to love, would have trouble accepting. Ive just joined your blog a few minutes ago, but know this-you are stronger than you think hun. Don’t stop trying. Bless you.

  • Ela

    August 2, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan, not sure if you’ll even read this since it’s 3 days since you’ve posted this but I just wanted to let you know that I really feel for you. S and I have been *trying* for about the same time as you and we’ve gotten checked out as well, thing is medically “there’s nothing wrong”, they can’t explain why it’s not happening for us. I’ve always wondered if I’d handle it better if we were given a medical reason as to why it’s not happening. After reading this, I know I’d handle it exactly the same way. It’s really hard. And unless someone goes through it, it can be really hard to understand. Some of our best friends are going on baby no. 5 and here we are still waiting for 1. I do have faith that God knows what’s in our hearts and that what I so hope for will one day be given to me. I believe the same will happen for you. I know I’ve only commented a few times on your blog (blogging for just over a month) so I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you. Just want you to know my heart goes out to you, as I’m sure all your readers’ hearts do. Wishing you all you dream, wish and hope for and deserve. xx Ela

  • Mrs. Realife

    August 2, 2009 |

    Sounds like we have similar “periods” – grr….

    Maegan — “It’s so hard to stop hoping, because if you do, it seems like you’re giving up your dream” — My mom said this to me right before I met my husband {and I thought I was going to be an old maid} — THIS is why you can’t stop, as you say, “obsessing” — you’re not obsessing… you’re hoping —

    My heart aches for you… i’m hear if you ever wanna talk 🙂

  • Hannah

    August 3, 2009 |

    I would recommend reading the book Consciously Female, or at least checking it as it has a lot of helpful stuff for women with difficult periods, problems conceiving, miscarriages, HRT and Menopause.

    Best of luck
    find solace in the graceful moments in life

  • iart

    August 3, 2009 |

    I have been reading a little of your blog and I felt compelled to comment here.

    I know it will sound very silly and “new-age”, but I think that eventually, after you forgive yourself, after you learn to live with it, life can reserve you a surprise.

    You probably have heard those stories when couples would do everything to get pregnant and finally accepting and letting go they would turn to other possibilities and adopt, only to discover some time later that they are pregnant.

    It is absolutely not your fault and you did make the right choices not having children with partners who didn’t want. You will get through it. Forgive yourself, find some support weather it is around you or within.

    And remember, hope dies last! 🙂

  • hautepocket

    August 3, 2009 |

    You are not crazy! I imagine it’s very difficult to accept and I don’t think you have to accept it. That doesn’t make you ridiculous.

  • Living and Loving In L.A.

    August 4, 2009 |

    Okay, I just have to say this…I know you’ve probably heard things like this from A MILLION people, but my grandmother couldn’t get pregnant for 6 years, and her doctor told her to quit work and start eating wheat germ. You should at least try the wheat germ part! Why the heck not, she had three healthy babies in a row after a few months of wheat germ and relaxing. Please don’t think I’m weird, I just thought I’d share that bit!
    Good luck, Maegan! XO!

  • Lila Sweetheart

    August 4, 2009 |

    Not crazy and totally understandable. Sending some hugs your way hun.

  • Risa

    August 5, 2009 |

    While my hubs and I are not trying…yet…maybe never. The thought of becoming a mom crosses my mind every day. Everyone I know is dropping kids left and right. Do I really want one? Am I happy with a great husband and a dog, I believe so. I also sometimes think I should have had a baby sooner. SO many decisions, it’s mind boggling. Oh and I don’t just want to become some anti-social stay at home mom yet I don’t want my kid to be a daycare baby either. Just wanted to let you know I’m in the same boat emotionally about whether there is more to life than having children. Is it for me?

  • Legallyblondemel

    August 5, 2009 |

    Just finding this now . . . I am so very sorry.

    I know this is easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. It is OK, and even a good thing, to grieve something like this. No need to apologize for having a difficult time with it.

    I really related to the line about having spent so many years trying NOT to get preggers, only to then have your world turned around when the light switch flips and suddenly that’s everything you want. Oh, the irony. Many of us have been (are) there, truly.

  • Tam Hess

    August 5, 2009 |

    Don’t know if you’ll get this but anyway, *big hug* my SIL had the same thoughts, feelings, medical issues. She did try the hormones and expensive whatnots and has two children now. It is possible. You are amazing either way. You are a huge inspiration to me. Thanks for being YOU! xoxox Tam

  • Sarah

    August 7, 2009 |

    I am stopping by because I saw a link on YaYa’s stuff to this post. This is not something I have had to deal with (yet) because I am not married (yet) and have not TRIED to conceive. However, I am almost 32 and am CONSTANTLY worried that I will nto be able to. It’s like every second that ticks by is another second that my eggs are aging. Every week I put that damn BC patch on is another week of egg aging. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that something happens soon to help you deal with this. I can only imagine how hard this is…no, I don’t think you’re crazy, or weird, or sad, or neurotic. Sending you strength….

  • Tiaras

    August 7, 2009 |

    Destination Conception! Go to Moorea – or Thailand – seriously – whenever we go on vacation – I get pregnant!

    I had a really hard time getting pregnant with #3 (after many miscarries) and I went to a Chinese Dr(I was living in Beijing at the time) for herbs to drink in my tea – she would look at my tongue and ask about my poops (sorry) and then after a couple of months she said- “okay you try now” and we went to Thailand – and BOOM – pregnant!

    Look into a more natural process versus drugs – which I am not inclined to use either. We have been trying for the past 1.5 year to have another baby and even went to a fertility specialist. Drugs were the choice. But I don’t agree with that. I may have to search out a Chinese Dr in the city soon!

    GIVE IT A TRY!!!!

  • FrancoB.

    August 8, 2009 |

    This saddens me 🙁

  • lorchick @ ON{thelaundry}LINE

    August 25, 2009 |

    I was just falling in love with your blog and reading your backlog a bit because I’m so dazzled. And then this post and my heart catches.
    My DH and I have an 8% chance of concieving. We used to think it was a zero but then 2 months after we got married I got pregnant. So we got things retested and it’s 8% and it drives me crazy. Why does it drive me crazy? Because any given month, i MIGHT get pregnant. Probably won’t, but there’s still a MIGHT.
    When it was a NO i was so totally sane and okay with it all the time. Now that it’s a MAYBE I’ve spent the last two years going on rotation between Totally Okay and Totally Batshit Crazy. Can’t move forward and give up because technically i MIGHT get pregnant again. If a doctor said to me, “Laura, you will never get pregnant again. Period.” I could mourn and move on. Unfortunatly, a doctor said “Laura, there’s an 8% chance you might get pregnant. It might happen, it might not.”
    It’s hard to mourn and move on when you’re stuck in limbo. I totally totally totally feel for you and all the other women out there stuck in MAYBEland. I am so blessed to have my little miracle, but that doesn’t stop me from cussing a blue streak at the negative pregnancy test(s) I secretly and obsessively take every month. Right now my period is late and I’m in PMSland and took another three or four negative tests and your post just caught my heart up and it said, “FUCKING YES. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.” (because apparently my heart swears when i’m in a crazy hormonal “where the fuck is my period because i’m not fucking pregnant you Asshole Uterus” place right now.)

  • anon

    August 25, 2009 |

    i just found your blog. it breaks my heart to read this post. you are so beautiful and creative. you will be a great mother someday to a biological child or a child who needs a woman like you in their life.
    i’m so sorry for the craziness going on in your head. it’s so hard to break out of that spiral when you get caught up in it.

    you’ll be in my thoughts.
    melissa

  • Elizabeth

    November 4, 2009 |

    I Like Your Blog.
    Please try this natural remedy:
    2 Tablespoons shredded beet
    1 tablespoon molasses
    1 cup boiling water

    mix everything and let it rest for ten minutes, then strain and drink.
    3 Times a day for 39 days (Do not store it for later usage)Has to be fresh. I hope it works for you. It’s used in my country and I know women who have tried it with success in a few months after doing the treatment.
    Please excuse my poor english

    Elizabeth. From Dominican Republic

  • Anonymous

    April 6, 2012 |

    I know you have probably heard this a million times, but I can’t keep myself from saying it – only because I have been exactly where you are. Trying to get pregnany literally took over me. The more it didn’t happen the more I would want it..then not want..then want it. It took an emotional tole on my marriage. We tried for years and all of our test were completely normal. I finally felt that if I REALLY wanted it then I would anything to make it happen. So, we booked an appointment with a fertility specialist, she scheduled us for an IUI and, bam, 12 days later I was pregnant. I could NOT believe it. Seeing that positive test was a moment I will remember forever. At that very moment I knew, all my hesitations about treatment were silly. It was that treatment that helped me! I wish I had the right words to express to you that if you did treatment and you did, indeed, get pregnant, you would be completely overjoyed! It wouldn’t matter about the treatment. All that matters is that you, and your husband, are having a precious baby. To each their own, but I would highly suggest just giving it a try. You are in my prayers and I know God has THE perfect plan for you. Don’t give up!