I sit here wanting to write, not knowing where to start but knowing that I've been trying my hardest to keep busy ...to keep my mind off of what is truly bothering me. The end result? Some great DIYs but an emotional wreck of a human.
Yes, I'm sure my lame period is coming. And yes, even though I'd rather not admit it, the menses takes over monthly turning me into a crazed lunatic.
So here goes ...and if you're a long-time reader, you can just skip this because I'm 100% positive you know what I'm going to be talking about but I cannot help being redundant because I cannot seem to accept, forgive and move on.
I cannot get pregnant. And for so many other things I am accepting ...I am understanding, but for some reason there is just so much wrapped up and around this issue that as soon as I think I'm "okay" with it, a new emotion surrounding it pops up and brings me to tears.
Yes, I had ovarian cysts removed in 2007 and yes I have been told I have endometriosis. However, the husband and I were both tested and other than our age {both 33}, the doc didn't seem to think we
couldn't conceive ...just that it may take a little longer.
Two years later, no baby. No nothing ...I take that back ...lotsa crazy!
I have decided that I'm not going use any fertility treatments which I think is mostly out of fear and the fact that I just don't want to. When I'm truly upset about it though the husband states "If you
really wanted it, then you would try EVERYTHING" ...and he does have a point but I just can't get on board with that. And secondly, I don't want to spend our entire {house} saving on treatments and hormonal madness and have it still not work.
I used to think I was strong. I could NOT handle that. I can barely handle this.
Logically, I can give myself a list of reasons why it's okay {or even better} to
not conceive {and adopt in the future ...which is a possibility regardless actually}. But emotionally my head cannot seem to stick with those logical "answers" and I am on the verge of tears all the time.
I am impatient, intolerant, sad, depressed, angry, moody. It's ridiculous. The only time I am actually not thinking about it is when I am immersed in a project. So I try to keep busy. Very busy. But that's not necessarily "dealing" with it and it's obvious because at any moment I will just lose it.
I honestly had no idea I would EVER ever EVER have to even THINK about any of this. I thought I would get pregnant the first try. I mean, I spent so many years trying NOT to get pregnant. And now? And because of this statement alone, I think back to my past, and have more regrets about holding firmly to the fact that I wanted kids with partners that didn't. If I knew then what I know now, I could have prevented so much animosity and hurt feelings, etc, etc, etc. Regret is lame. But whatever, this issue has just brought up so many other aspects of my life. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Here's a list of crazy that swirls around my head regarding this topic:
* I am a failure as a woman
* It's what I always thought I wanted. Was I lying? Did I truly want it?
* I am crazy
* What am I going to do for the rest of my life?
* Why me?
* Is there something better?
* Ugh, I don't really want to be pregnant anyway!
* What, you crazy bitch, of course you do!
* Kids take up so much time, maybe I would hate it?
* All I've ever wanted was to be a mom.
* Why do I get the exact opposite of what I think I want?
* Maybe you don't really want it.
* I cannot seem to forgive myself for it. Like it's my fault somehow ...and it's making me hate myself for so many reasons.
THE LIST GOES ON AND ON ...and it's extremely inconsistent. And IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY. It's this strange "hope/disappointment" cycle that I really thought was over when my dad passed but the cycle {I must LOVE} has found a new path in my life. Monthly. Every single month, regardless of logic, I think that there is a possibility that I'm pregnant. BUT I NEVER AM. I really just don't want to think about it anymore. Every time I think I'm not, I just start sobbing at some baby on TV. It's just so ridiculous. It's just too much and really, I wouldn't have any of these thoughts had I just gotten knocked up right away. Maybe a little doubt, yes, but not all this crazy.
I've heard moms talk about how they thought they lost themselves after they had kids, how they had to reevaluate their lives and who they are/were as humans. And I feel that if I accept the fact that I am just not going to be a mommy, that I will have to change every single thing I thought about who I was, what I wanted and how I thought my future life/self was going to be.
And yes, if I re-read all posts labeled under "my baby our baby" I will see, it's just the same old shit over and over again. But why? Why can't I just accept this and move on? Why can't I just be okay with it and why does it just keep coming back to haunt me? Why why why whywhywhwywywhwywhwhwhhwwy
I'm so tired of thinking about it. Why can't I just give it up?
...via
{I think I am honestly just so mad at myself for not being able to move on I stifle everything else. grr. annoying.} I'm really hard on myself. in case you haven't noticed ;)
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