Merry Christmas!

I've been avoiding my computer like the plague lately. It wasn't until about five minutes ago when I accidentally logged into my flickr account from the husband's laptop and found this "Merry Christmas" photo favorited that I realized just how much I've abandoned my online life.

I'm going to be perfectly honest when I say -you guys scared me a little -or, a lot, really ...lol. I think the increasing traffic & numbers of you visiting ...love Maegan everyday started freaking me out in a way I never expected ...because if you're a blogger as well, you know the goal is, well, traffic, right? So again, the anxiety that came along with it and fearing I couldn't live up to your standards made me want to abandon you all completely leaving ...love Maegan a ghost blog.

I thought a little break was necessary and figured something would trigger my brain to want to post again, whatever that may be.


So here are a few updates, in case you're curious . . .

I stopped taking the Zoloft. I took it for 5 days and it just was not making me feel right. I was so hoping it would be my savior but in all honesty, I think it caused more anxiety. I definitely "got" its purpose though ...as my insides tried to amp up in situations they would normally amp up in, I could feel an almost wave-like affect washing over me literally slowing me down; forcing me to stay calm instead of amping up. I could feel it wearing off midday impelling me to take an Ativan to calm my nerves. Every day I was on the Zoloft I needed an Ativan too -which was far more often than I would have ever taken it "as needed" and that freaked me out. The fact that I was taking two drugs just didn't sit well with me especially since the Ativan seemed to be the only thing that actually worked. The Zoloft was also totally affecting my stomach in horrible ways which again, was defeating the purpose. Maybe I should have stayed on it longer but I just couldn't deal.

The two days after I stopped the Zoloft I took 1/2 Ativan and haven't really needed it since. Much of my problem seems to be anticipatory anxiety and anxiety about the anxiety but I've been workin' it out and trying to actually write in a journal daily to free my brain of clutter. Sometimes before falling asleep I have this FEAR PANIC that rushes through me yelling WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TOMORROW? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? ... but I'm definitely feeling better although still "worried" about the anxiety. {Which is actually totally lame} I go back to see my psychiatrist again on Wednesday afternoon. I'm worried she's going to be disappointed that I stopped the meds so quickly and of course I'm already anxious about our visit. We'll see.


I had a wonderful Christmas ...and I hope you did too. Since the beginning of time we have spent Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family. But since 2003, after my dad's death, the eve became much more sullen and dark and everyone would sort of stare at me with tears in their eyes and a certain look on their face. This was the first year that darkness was lifted and felt a bit more back to normal ...a bit lighter and much MUCH more relaxing and fun. I looked forward to it with excitement instead of anxiety this year, which even surprised me considering the state of my head lately.

On Christmas Day the husband and I slept in -then had a lovely coffee/breakfast visit from his dad and lady friend {lol} who gifted me with this phenomenal black leather Ferragamo handbag -that I just now realized was RIDICULOUSly priced ...I mean, there is nothing at Ferragamo under $1000 but OMG I had no idea it was THAT much until just this second searching for the link to show you. {He also just recently bought us a new mattress for our bed so I was really not expecting any gifts at all ...omg. srsly generous father in law to one lucky lucky woman =me}

The husband got me some super cute/sexy jammies and some new Tom Ford sunglasses -which he handed me saying I was going to have to return because he couldn't remember which ones I wanted ...which will work out nicely because my boss generously gifted me with a Bloomingdales gift card {along with a surprise holiday bonus}. I exchanged FitFlop Clogs with my sister in law which I literally haven't taken off my feet since Christmas Day. I tried out my new Just Dance for the Wii today and broke a sweat whilst giggling to 30 second versions of pop songs. This game is some serious fun!

But I think the best gift of all is the new house the husband and I will be moving into by the end of the month. No, we still don't think it's the right time to buy but we found an amazing house to rent in a perfect little pocket of The Valley which to our surprise, neither of us have lived in {if you're new here, we're both Valley Rats -born n' raised}. We actually sealed the deal today and sign the contracts tomorrow ...which really couldn't have come at a better time because I'm so bored with fashion and can now just segue right into interiors. Well, for the moment I'm bored with fashion but it always sparks again.

We start moving January 15th but I'm already decorating the rooms in my head. The space is going to be so much fun to decorate -inside and out- and I can't wait to take you along for the ride with before and afters looking for opinions along the way.

I hope you all had a wonderfully happy and joyous holiday and look forward to 2010 ...with no expectations, of course ;)

Completely Gratuitous Outfit Post Happy Christmas Eve!

What I'm Wearing
* Vintage leopard print blouse ...last seen here
* Vintage brown short sleeve sweater ...ancient. This may have been my grandma's actually
* 7 for all Mankind wide-leg jeans ...ancient as well
* Vintage coat
* Tom Ford sunglasses
* Gold danglies
* Via Spiga brown lace-up wedges

This is what I'm wearing today ...to Christmas Eve at my dad's side of the family later tonight. And I'm going to be honest and let you in on a little secret ...I wore it yesterday to work {but really for only a couple hours}

My creativity in the fashion department has been lacking ...well, not actually lacking, I just don't really care right now. I worked all week and have been scrambling to finish Christmas details as many of you probably are too ...and I just don't care. I want to be comfortable yet still look pulled together and this is my go-to look for today.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

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Completely Gratuitous Outfit Post

What I'm wearing
* Vintage Levis cuffed ...seen here
* White men's tuxedo shirt layered over a burgundy cotton tank by rubbish ...seen here
* Gray Heritage 1981 cardigan buttoned ...seen here
* Vintage coat ...I've been wearing this a lot lately ....it's warm ...found this about ten years ago at the Fairfax/Melrose Flea Market for $30! ...last seen here
* Vintage rhinestone necklace ...ebay
* Mirrored Ray-ban aviators ...husband's
* Jessica Simpson patent peep toe oxford stilettos ...these are from a while ago ...seen here





So happy it's Friday ...I am feeling so much more balanced and can finally focus on getting the rest of my Christmas shopping done. I may spend the weekend relaxing and watching holiday movies and wrapping presents because the tree looks so bare without gifts underneath it.

Thank you so much for your support these last couple of weeks while I've been going through some truly challenging times. It's so nice to know that we're not alone in the world when we feel so much so at times. So, thank you ...again and again ..and have a spectacular weekend!

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Vintage Leopard Coat & Cuffed Jeans

What I'm Wearing
* Vintage leopard {faux-hair} coat ...My grandma made this in the 60's. It is one of my favorite items in my wardrobe. ...seen here
* Black jersey turtleneck {from nordstrom.com} with black jersey puff sleeve cowl neck top {Forever 21} layered over. I actually loved the look of the cowl neck with the turtle neck.
* Vintage Calvin Klein {super thin} jeans. These are vintage because I've had them for that long. ...seen here
* Black patent wedge pumps. Steven by Steve Madden ...I have seriously had these forever too.
* Vintage Gucci satchel
* Tom Ford Sunglasses
* D&G watch
* Nicole Miller gold-tone rhinestone drop ball earrings ..love.these. {a bit different to linked version but very similar} got em on gilt.com/fuse
* Ivory Pashmina {in bag}























When my mind is elsewhere and I am uninspired by anything at all, I tend to go straight for classics which always look timeless and pulled together {even if I don't always feel that way inside}





Yesterday I wanted to write about my experience with the psychiatrist on Tuesday but I just feel like such a downer lately, I decided to post nothing at all ...which is admittedly difficult for me but becoming much more frequent as of late. As stated above, my inspiration is running dry, leaving next to nothing in my creativity department. I'm trying so hard to get out of my head but something just brings me right back there. But now, two days later, I am feeling a bit more hopeful.

I'm relieved to have been able to sit down with a specialist and verbally vomit all over her with just enough information for her to confirm that yes, I have a problem with anxiety and no, I do not need a stimulant like Wellbutrin.

While posting may be a bit more sporadic in the coming weeks while I find balance and enjoy my family as the holidays near, I'm hoping to grow and be stronger for it very soon. I've always considered my existence as more of a science experiment than a "gift from God" and now I'm just testing a new theory with a little help this time. Hopefully the new year will restore creativity and get my mind working outside of itself instead of inside, where it has been for the last month or so ...and I think everyone will benefit from it.

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Completely Gratuitous Outfit Post

What I'm Wearing
* Vintage Ralph Lauren plaid button down shirt with black tank under...seen here
* DL1961 Premium Denim gray jeans {gilt/fuse.com} ...seen here
* Dolce Vita Gray Flash Bootie...seen here
* Vintage coat ...seen here
* Plaid scarf ...no brand {found at funky local shop called Mainly Seconds}

I'm finally going to see the psychiatrist today and I'm already nervous. I keep trying to stop my mind from creating future scenes and scenarios of how it's going to play out and to just let it happen. Live now. There is only now ...has become my mantra to get my mind to shut up about anything it begins obsessing on from past or future events. It's easy over the weekend where there is no pressure but as soon as I have to go somewhere {the next day} it starts going, going, going. And continues into the morning as if it's trying to freak me out ...and it is.

I'm actually really relieved to finally meet with her and trying to not attach any expectations to it is difficult.

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Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

Last Tuesday evening we took a family trip to the Christmas tree lot, which just so happens to be exactly 2minutes away from my brother's place and about 6 minutes away from ours. Yes, we live close ...and secretly, I wanted to document Delilah's first Christmas tree experience. And looking back I wish I would have called more family to join {sorry mom ;)}








Happy times.




Delilah's first time in the BabyBjorn with her daddy






...and, oddly enough, her first spelunking trip as well





The happy new parents





Candy Cane legs





...decisions, decisions. ...actually, it was ridiculous cold





~ love ~ laughter ~ good times ~ the holidays are upon us

{also, to those of you who celebrate it, Happy Hannukah! }

Love Story Jeans & Leopard Print Blouse

What I'm Wearing
* Vintage leopard print blouse ...last seen here
* J Brand indigo "Lovestory" jeans ...last seen here
* Vintage dark chocolate brown fur coat ...I found this amazing little coat whilst searching for the perfect vintage camel coat to DIY the sleeves off of and just couldn't pass it up. I refuse to buy a new fur coat, anything fur really, but when it comes to vintage, all bets are off! I paid $25 for this gem and it is mint! This is the first time I've worn it and let me tell you, it's by FAR the warmest I've ever been at the gallery. I'm almost thinking I should bring it every day of winter.
* Velvet Angels wedge booties (with black socks) ...last seen here oops ...here
* Vintage Gucci bag
* Jami Rodriguez Cougar Agate necklace (as seen on Samantha in Sex & the City) ...I am so in love with this necklace it's not even funny!!! {um, because it's hilarious!}
* Jami Rodriguez purple waterfall hoop earrings
* Jami Rodriguez feather & chains bracelet
* D&G gold watch
* Tom Ford "Yvette" sunglasses
* Hair -wet, messily "bunned up"

Husband says from behind I look like a 70's rock star super hero ...mostly because of the huge fur shoulders and tight/narrow/flared jeans. I told him that's what I was going for :)

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Completely Gratuitous Outfit Post

What I'm Wearing
* Vintage floral dress, belted ...no tag ... seen here and here
* Forever 21 gray leggings
* BCBG over sized cardigan ...last seen here ..but I could've sworn I've worn it since. weird.
* Urban Outfitters arm warmers {um it's freeeeeeezing!} ...these were a gift from an old coworker and they have mittens that button on ...if you want mittens, that is.
* Vintage chain necklaces hooked together
* Dolce Vita Gray Flash Bootie ...so so surprisingly comfortable, these booties are ...but make a considerable amount of noise whilst walking. I'd suggest NOT wearing them to the library, church, anywhere quiet really. I sounded like the ghost of Christmas Past ...wait, is that the one rattling the chains?
* Gray and black leather baby ball bag Olivia Harris {by Joy Gryson} ...from gilt.com ...seen here with boots ...I kept em
* Hair - let air dry







I'm feeling better today ...a bit calmer but also scared. Scared I'm going to freak out at any time. I realized in the car this morning that I've had a low level of anxiety this entire time but was focusing it on specific things like traffic and other drivers or fighting with family ...etc, etc, etc. It manifested as anger ...which is a safer feeling for me than anxiety but still not where I want to be. I'm just not angry anymore and don't seem to have an outlet. goddammit . I'm going to figure this out. In the mean time, I'm using all natural Rescue Remedy spray recommended by my sister in law. It definitely helped me sleep last night.

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