My Studio, Magazines, …and Baby-Mania


window sill - black and gold

As I slowly work at pulling my new office/dressing room/closet area together – which I am just going to refer to as “my studio” from here on out {and I don’t care if it sounds pretentious because I just cannot say SLASH one more time}, I’ve realized now may be the time to go through the back issues of magazines I hoard and only save the relevant ones. But who am I kidding, they are all relevant!

Filing Vogue with Vogues, Elle Decor with the like, Surface, Wallpaper, Dwell, Bazaar …etc, etc, etc, I came across a Glamour magazine from September 2006 and placed it in the “toss” pile because {and I’m not sure why but} I’m not a huge fan of Glamour. Now, let me just say that “toss” actually doesn’t mean “throw away” until I’ve gone through it tearing out anything that may catch my eye. But since it’s not my favorite, I most likely kept this September issue because it was from the month/year that my husband and I got married. Knowing that I saved it particularly, I decided to flip through it carefully to find out why.

I always read a magazine back to front. Maybe it’s because I like the way it sits in my hands better or maybe it’s because I want to skip through all the ads and horse shit and get to the good stuff, I dunno, it’s just the way I do it. So as I began flipping through it I immediately spotted editorials dripping with every single mainstream trend that is happening right now. From big chunky bib necklaces to the dresses, plaids & velvets, leggings and tights and booties. Everything that will most likely be played out very soon if it hasn’t already in the fashion world but continue to be trendy for most of the rest of the world. However, I did spy an image of Kate Moss wearing a military jacket which are just now {if not for the last 6 months or so} making their way into designer collections and street styles galore.

By this point I had realized that this magazine was indeed a keeper because there were more things I wanted to keep than toss so I decided to take a break out into the sun and read it while catching some vitamin D.

. . . and then I flipped to an article titled “Infertile in a Baby-Crazed World
What’s it like to not be able to get pregnant in a culture filled with “bump watches,” Hummer-size strollers and haute couture maternity wear?
…and my heart sank a bit. I knew I had to read it now. I knew I had to because I’m 99% positive that I skipped this article entirely the first time I read this magazine. Why? Because I wasn’t “infertile” then. Therefore, I had no interest.

It was the following year, 2007, around the same time which we began “trying” to get pregnant. And as I read the article by Lynn Harris, identifying with all but the fertility treatments {which I know in my heart I could not handle}, I finally accepted the fact that I am infertile. A word I’ve never used really to describe myself or my situation. A word that removes all hope and because of that, I hate it. But it is exactly what it is and I’m pretty sure I cannot deny the fact that I am not going to get pregnant any longer.

And here we are, almost 4 years after this article was written, still living in a baby-crazed world where baby-mania is at the top of the “trends” list. Albeit, a bit less extreme than it has been in the last few years but it continues to go on. But what happens when it’s not trendy anymore to have babies and you’re all left with annoying little brats eating up all your hard-earned cash? And when did society switch focus from empowering women to offer more than mere offspring?

I, along with all the other women who are struggling with pregnancy issues {or who simply choose to not procreate}, must endure it, day in and day out …watching all their friends get pregnant “accidentally” and trying to hold it all together and pretend like it’s fucking fun to talk about their pregnancy while feeling like a failure as a woman.

I’m at a breaking point. A point where the sadness is being drowned out by anger and annoyance and rethinking, yet again, the whole damn thing.

Read the article that inspired this post here

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, and home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life with her husband and adorable dogs, two Frenchies & an old Pug in wheels. Here you will find her talking about their journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation up to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life.

80 Comments

  • TERI REES WANG

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    A friends mother years a ago, was a very marred and even more busy TV producer hot on the go.

    They signed papers to adopt one baby, and soon found they were finally pregnant all on their own. Happy with that they made a happy home for one plus one, and before the one that they signed up for had arrived…they learned to make room for two more! Twins in the end = 4.

  • Heather @ Brace Yourselves

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Oh Maegan. This breaks my heart. I am so so sorry. I don’t have anything to say that will help, but I truly am sorry. Big hugs all the way from Texas.

  • Amy

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I am sorry you are going through this. My husband and I fall into the 20% category of Unexplained Infertility. We are going through the medicated process now. It is not easy but not as bad as I thought so far. I hope you follow your heart and everything turns out the way you want.

    http://graceingray.tumblr.com/
    Amy

  • ~alison

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Has your OBGYN told you that you are, in fact, infertile?

    This breaks my heart for so many reasons….

  • Ashley

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    This post literally brought tears to my eyes. I read your blog almost every day and I’ve read about your struggles with infertility. Like many others out there, I wish I could do something to alleviate the pain and the heartbreak but you are a strong woman (from what I’ve read) and I know, although difficult, you will overcome this. Hang in there!!
    -Ashley (www.pursuitofshoes.com)

  • lamandahugnkiss

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    maybe you should try reading MORE magazine. I know you’re not over 40, but there are tons of inspiring articles in there that I think you might like. it is very empowering.

  • Meli22

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    My cousin is 37 right now. She got married at 24 and had been trying like crazy to get pregnant ever since. They gave up.

    Then she got pregnant, without treatment, just last year. Twins- fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. They will be a year old this June.

    Another woman in my family, she never was able to get pregnant. She adopted a beautiful little baby girl- who had no mother, no father, and lived in an orphanage.

    Maybe, if things don’t work out, and you want to be a mom, you could save up and adopt a child who needs you. And maybe, just maybe, when you least expect it you WILL be pregnant. I don’t want to give you false hope, but god who knows what happens in this crazy world.

    Good luck to you both, and I really hope you can come to terms with it and realize it isn’t your fault, and that you are by all means NOT a faliure. I bet your husband feels the same way you do.

  • Andi

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I really am so sorry you are dealing with fertility issues. I just refuse to believe you are infertile though!! Please don’t lose faith or hope, I have known so many people who have gone through this as well, but then one day, their positive test comes. You are definitely not a failure as a woman.

    I also save magazines from years ago and read them back to front, when I worked in publishing it was a fact that 20% of the population did this as well.

    Best of luck with everything and please don’t lose hope!!

  • Disney

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Hollywood

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    This is a really heart breaking post I am so sorry to hear all of that…
    <3

  • drollgirl

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    it is all such a royal mind fuck. sometimes it bothers me; sometimes not. the site of kids sometimes makes me bawl (usually i can hold it in until i get home and won’t be seen with tears everywhere), and sometimes i can be happy for those that have families. it is a mind fuck, for sure. the looks of pity really suck, and the comments that “you will regret not having kids” are just a punch in the stomach. some of us get them; some of us don’t. i am still not sure which camp i will ultimately be in, but i sure as shit know which one i am in now.

    hang in there. hugs, girl.

  • Caroline, No.

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    My friend blogs about this in a very candid, informed way. And has a strong network of other bloggers in the same boat.

    http://womb4improvement.blogspot.com/

    Maybe it might help to read / chat with others in the same place?

    So sorry. :/ (Child free out of choice, here!)

  • Lisa Petrarca

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I’m so sorry Maegan! My friend also struggles with this. She had a son through fertility drugs & is now trying again without any luck.

    Her next step is in vitro fertilization next month.

    Listening to her heartbreak, frustration, anger…breaks my heart too.

    Just wanted to let you know not to rule everything out…maybe in a few years this might be something you may want to try. Just like that old dusty article that didn’t pertain to you so many years ago.

    BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • *starr fish

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I’m nodding my head and saying “me too” to saving old mags. I have tons and they are relevant! So are your feelings! I just turned 36 and have never been pregnant. It’s only recently that I’ve found the sort of relationship where you might “plan” to get pregnant, but it’s too early for all that. I’m scared it might not happen. Let’s choose to believe that there is a plan for those of us who have yet to have children and want to. Somehow…the plan will become clear.

  • Tigerlily

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I can only imagine your frustration. I am a single unattached women in her late 20′s. I’m not yet thinking of children in a real sense, more of an if/maybe/when sense. But my girlfriends? They are all having babies. My exes? Babies. Makes me wonder about myself and my priorities and if/when/can it happen for me.

    It can be a very lonely place to be.

  • Lisa

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    So sorry. You know, not to sound too cliche, but I have heard so many stories about “infertile” women getting pregnant unexpectedly. Even my own mother was told she could have children, and ended up having 4 kids. Still though, I am sure it is hard for you..hang in there!! :)

  • Morgan

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Ugh. So sorry you have to deal with that. People’s intentions are good but doesn’t make it any easier. I hope you find peace with where you’re at and what happens in the future. On thing is for sure… when you have a baby.. he/she will be gorgeous!

  • The Style Revolution

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I am so sorry Maegan. I was a surrogate for a family member who could not get pregnant. Its just a suggestion for a route to go. Big Hugs!

  • Misty @ The DoanGang

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Oh Maegan…As someone who doesn’t know the pain you’re going through I almost didn’t comment. But,your story moved me so much that I just had to share… I heard something really profound from a friend of mine that I immediately thought of as I was wiping away the tears from reading your post. To give you an idea of the kind of woman she is…She struggled with infertility for 8 years. She finally got pregnant, had a “perfect” pregnancy, and lost her son after just 2 days to a virus. Just 6 months later they were chosen by a birth mother and were able to adopt a beautiful little girl. And now… 2 years later, she is pregnant again. Finding out literally 2 weeks after her OBGYN had told her that she was barren and should give up hope to conceive naturally. And having been through all that, she said… “I have found that when I stop being miserable and remember that my life is wonderful and full just how it is… that is when it happens. After 7 1/2 years I had given up and moved on, and there came Lincoln. Then he died and after forcing myself to go on for 6 months I realized that I GOT to be pregnant. Then we got to adopt Abbie. And when my doctor told me to give up hope of getting pregnant, I decided that I had so many wonderful things and that 1 baby was enough, and now I’m having another against all odds.”

    The point I wanted to make is that you ARE right. A baby doesn’t make or break you. There is no shame in being who you are, even if that means YOU are unable to have children. You ARE wonderful. Thanks for sharing so openly. XOXO

  • Kimberly

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    As someone who struggles w/ infertility, it drives me insane when those who CAN seek medical involvement to help them but don’t!
    I was 24 when my Dr. told me I was going through menopause and that I would never have a child of my own biological makeup. I could chose to either adopt or go the egg donor route.
    I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound so insensitive, but why not seek out a Dr. that might be able to help you? I’m so envious that you have the option to become pregnant with help, but choose not to…

  • shawna

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Megan…I am truly sorry for your conflict and I hope that it is solved to your liking but if it helps I think your perfect just the way you are

  • Francesca

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    girl- ur a gorgeous wife and are so talented. i know this might not help, but i believe everything happens for a reason. everyone has tragedy in their lives…i have a mom and sister fighting death on a daily basis who laugh and have fun like theyre healthy 16 year olds. bite the bullet and push through. lifes not easy, but its only as hard as you make it.

    xoxo,
    F

    lekisskiss.blogspot.com

  • Jennifer Juniper

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Unfortunately, this is one of those issues that will continually smack you in the face because it’s just out there everywhere. I remember when I was going through infertility treatments and I was so bombarded with people asking “why, when, how?” all the time. I can totally relate and I’m so sorry.

  • Random Musings Of My Life

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Well said… And I was angry for a really long time to.

    Not because “I can’t” but because its almost “expected”.

    Try being 32 married to the man of your dreams for 7 years (been together 12) EVERYONE we know has children and people look at us like we are leapers for not having kids.

    We also choose what I would like to call the “higher” road and “Know” that we could not handle fertility treatments/invitro/surrogates.

    It gets better, I have learned to let it go and trust what is in store for us..

  • Aritza, Goddess of ..

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Aww Maegan. I have no stories of hope or anything to offer you .. and I’m not even sure that’s what you need right now. But I sympathize with you and often think of your situation, without pity, just good thoughts for the future :)

    I can’t say that I “understand” what you’re going through because I am neither married nor hoping for babies .. but I sympathize.

    xox HUGS xox

  • Jilliebeanie

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Great post. I’m totally feelin’ this. Been married almost 4 years, have had only brief moments when I felt like I was missing out because we don’t have and are not trying for kids. The pressure is only getting worse and even now and then I get so irritated that this is what is expected of me and just want to scream I AM COMPLETE WITHOUT CHILDREN. We’ll have kids someday (or not) because we want to, not because it’s trendy and everyone else is doing it. I’ll stop there because I could go OFF on this topic FOREVER.

  • Fabulocity in Amish Country

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle… You are an amazing, beautiful woman… and THIS, in no way, defines you and who you are. It’s a shame that you have to feel lambasted with shenanigans of babies at every turn. I personally believe that God is in control and everything happens for a reason… I know it sucks, and I know it sounds cliche. However, I really really hope that things work out for you!

    Xoxo Christina
    fabulousiseverywhere.blogspot.com

  • Robin

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I am so sorry because I feel your pain. Personally for me, I am going to do whatever it takes to try and get pregnant because I know the chances of me conceiving naturally are very slim. May I ask why you are not going to try IVF? What about adoption? It seems you desperately want to be a mother and I hope you find what you’re looking for. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  • bananas.

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    EFFIN ROUND OF APPLAUSE MAEGAN!!!

    welcome to my life! though i’m not infertile, as far as i know, i am tired of the baby craze and lately it’s all around me. don’t get me wrong, i am thrilled when people have kids but guess what? i don’t need all the flippin details. i am shallow! don’t they get it!!! haha.

    kidding (kinda).

    anyway, i’m sorry you can’t have kids but at the sadness is starting to wear off…the anger will follow but then it dies down unless you a kid hater like me.

    shit…did i say that out loud?!

    you’re awesome. that’s all.

  • cait51

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I know this struggle. It’s scary, but just keep trucking. Things will work out and no one thinks less of you.

  • Miss Anne

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    Maegan, my ♥ sits quietly with you.

    Being that we had to go about things the “unconventional way” also, I feel your struggle/pain.

    I am thinking of you and sending you love.

  • Tamara Nicole

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    So sorry to hear that! Hang in there lady. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and although things can be sad there may be a silver lining:-)

  • urbanrhetoric

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    i don’t know what to say except thank you for being honest and open and genuine.

    ~pemora

  • Big Red

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I like to read my magazines backwards too!
    Nothing I can say will make you necessarily feel better about infertility. But even though I don’t think I want children, I am fucking tired of everyone I know and don’t know getting pregnant, talking about their child, going to goddamn baby showers and coo-ing over their “amazing” child. Some days I am envious, some days I am fucking tired of it.

    Hang in there girl!

  • NOT pregnant

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    A-freakin-men. My sister, who truly doesn’t know better, asked me today if I was REALLY trying. A friend had only tried a month and got pregnant and I must not really not be trying. I wanted to puke.

  • ~ronda

    February 23, 2010 | Reply

    I am so sorry for your infertility issues. I am also dealing with knowing I will never have a baby. i did go thru the IVF treatments 4 failures and 2 miscarriages later. I have given up. of course it doesn’t help that i turn 40 this week. i know my heart couldn’t deal with anothe m/c.

    I am also sorry for all the very well meaning people who say just wait…it will happen. they don’t know when you hear that your heart breaks…just a little but more.

    sending you my love and understanding from Austin tx.

    ~ronda

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO HAD HEALTHY CHILDREN AT AGE 45……….YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. ON A LIGHTER NOTE, I, TOO, READ MY MAGAZINES STARTING FROM THE BACK COVER! CHEER UP, SUNSHINE! (It is another dreary and rainy day today here in Northern Calif. If it is the same in Southern Ca., it might have brought out some sadness today.) WISHING YOU A SUNNY AND HAPPIER TOMORROW! RO

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    There is always adoption, a wonderful alternative. Many couples who adopt later get pregnant! It is a thought.

  • Fezinha

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Oh girl…blogsphere is so strange. I don’t know you, but always come here, and really wish it were possible to hug you now. All I can do is just to wish you all the best. I believe in miracles, though. I’m actually one to my mom, who tried to be pregant again for many years. And here I am, 31, trying to have my own baby now. Don’t lose your faith. Things are just the way they shoud be. And I believe that if you desire this so hard, you really deserve it. Doesn’t matter how, but I think that one day I’ll be back here to check a verry happy “news post”. I’m sorry if it sounds strange, but I really believe. John Lennon used to say “you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…” =)
    Keep going Maegan.

  • PSUCoco

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile..first time posting…first – so sorry you’re going through this. I’m dealing with not being able to have children right now for health reasons too – and being married for going on 2 1/2 years – getting the “are you trying? Are you expecting?!” was bad enough…but it seems to be that EVERY ONE ELSE in the world is either knocked up or just gave birth!

    First- to those of you that chide about Maegan NOT seeking out fertility treatments – it’s HER body, HER choice!! I get it. I have a disease, and it’s awful feeling like a guinea pig – humans weren’t meant for testing…Kindly step off- you did your thing- she can do hers!

    Maegan, hang in there! You seem to have a wonderful hubby, a fabulous job and adorable pup! Enjoy life- and relish in the things that the stressed out parents/preggo’s can’t – sushi, travel at the drop of a hat & skinny jeans! :)

  • Kyla

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    My heart sank with yours. I cannot relate or offer any words of advice, but I can only say that I feel for you. It’s just not fair. I’m not a religious person in the least, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I hope your “reason” is right around the corner.

    On a more positive note, I had to smile, because I read magazines the same way :)

  • Melissa

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Before I start this I want to say that you are (obviously) entitled to feel however you do. I always hate when people tell me how to feel or act, or interpret my reality for me.

    That being said… you are in no way a failure. A woman should not be judged solely on her ability to get pregnant, or even how children she mothers. You are are a wonderful woman and your blog and posts are inspiring. I have no doubt that life has something wonderful in store for you and I’m sorry that this is causing you such grief.

  • josephine

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Sending you good thoughts!! I really hope you find your happiness when it comes to motherhood. <3

  • Mary Anne

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I read your blog almost daily and I too am struggling to get pregnant. It makes me sad to read this post and I can identify. It seems people left and right are getting pregnant and having babies and you wonder when will it be your turn?? My husband and I both have been tested and they can’t find anything wrong.. I am now on my second month of clomid and I am hoping it will work. I am also seeing an acupuncturist that specializes in infertility. Last year, he had a 69% success rate! This year so far, has 16 people pregnant. Today, I am feeling encouraged and positive. Last week? Not so much, I felt my world has ended.. so I keep telling myself to be positive. If you are interested in finding out more info, please email me machan14@gmail.com. He is located in South Orange County. Good luck and I’m thinking of ya!

  • Emelie Stanfield

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Good on you for sharing! It is cool to be as generous as you are.

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Oh Meagan – I had a tear in my eye for you and words of course are hardly adequate. Sending a hug your way from Albuquerque, NM.

  • Purse Addict

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    :hug:

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I’ve been following your blog for a while and i know that maternity is a great deal for u and that have been living in a continuous stress for that reason. Even though i do understand that you’re going through a lot emotionally ,i fail to see why u don’t address doctors for other fertility procedures.It sometimes feels,that u let yourself sink in depression cause u’re too afraid to try or too afraid to face the fact that not all women can be fertile.Just be strong girl and talk to the right people who might have solutions for you.

  • Just another blogger

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    But what happens when it’s not trendy anymore to have babies and you’re all left with annoying little brats eating up all your hard-earned cash?


    I understand your position and completely believe in your right to say it! And if you are wishing to get pregnant or become a mother there are plenty of options! However, the above statement is really just awful. I don’t know a single mom who treats her child like a cool handbag or a pair of shoes. I didn’t have a child because it was trendy-seriously who does that?! I was and still am the only one of my friends who is actually a mom.

    Being empowered means having the CHOICE to choose your path and I am among the many that am saddened to see such anti-mom comments from those who couldn’t or don’t want to have kids. It’s your choice or it isn’t – there are options- but making sweeping statements in such a hostile way is just as bad for womens’ empowerment as telling them they should be barefoot and pregnant.

    It’s sad to see women nicking other women. Don’t we have enough to deal with? Some of us will never marry. Some of us don’t have kids, some of us don’t have things you do.

    Your hostility is palpable and that’s unfortunate since you obviously have so much.

  • Just another blogger

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    and PS: you are NOT a failure as a woman if you are ‘infertile’… You are who you are and not having babies does not a failure make.

    Don’t buy into that. The grass is always greener-trust me. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Many times people who feel the pressure from the outside say similar things to what you have written.

    Don’t hate on us moms. We have a heavy load. If you do become a mom, you’ll understand.

    If you want a baby, there are endless options. Seriously.

  • natalie

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    hi ya
    Just wanted to say thank you for your honesty.
    I have friends and family in a similar situation to yours on the baby front and while I do have a beautiful daughter she doesn’t define me!

    During my pregnancy I found the endless baby talk mind numbing (and still do now!)so please take heart that there are some “normal”, non baby obssessed mums out there :)

    Hugs to you though as you work through what is going to be right for you and your heart xoxo

  • Jen

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I am lucky enough to already have a daughter who is 2 years old but last year (nearly a year to the day infact) I had an ectopic pregnancy, my fallopian tube ruptured and since then I haven’t been able to get pregnant. I have found the past year so difficult, even though I already have a baby I just feel like everybody is pregnant and I feel like I never will be again. So I do sympathise with you xx

  • yogawithtrish

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    sending you lots of love and hugs from philly. god, the universe or the energy around us is always looking out and protecting us. xoxo

  • Marisa

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I sympathise so much with you!

    We officially started trying middle of last year. This after 2 1/2 years that my husband finally decided he was “ready”. So I pretty much felt that I had waited freakin long enough and expected to get pregnant the very minute I went of the pill.

    Well.

    Needless to say, that didn’t happen. Now here we are, 7 months on, and I found out about 3 weeks ago that I have polycystic ovaries. I was like WHA-? I’m not overweight & pimply! So now I’m on pills everyday (I hate popping pills, esp ones that give me diarrhea!!) and having to chart my temps and getting bloodwork done.

    All in an attempt to achieve what to so many people come naturally. Without them even trying. Without them even (dare I say it??) deserving it!

    Stupid stupid super fertile people.

  • Manda

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Cheers to you Maegan for being so honest!

    I find myself jealous of you many times over, your style, your life, your husband, your HAIR :)

    Thank you for being real.

  • nath

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Hi Meagan,

    I’m following your page from some time now, but this is the first time I’m actually posting a comment.

    At the beginning I came here because of the DIY items, but now the posts which drown my attention the most are the ones like these, when you open up your feelings for us. You are always so true and spontaneous!

    I cannot say I know what you’ve been going through because I’m only 25 and honestly, I don’t. But I do love babies and children and I do not know how it’s going to be when I try to get pregnant.

    Anyways, the only thing that comes to my mind right now is that I sympathize with your struggle. Not because I’ve been there myself, but because I’m also struggling with some issues my own, and believe me: the most important thing I’ve learnt so far is that lessons like these, that we learn with so much hard work, are the ones that stay longer and, why not?, makes us who we really are: STRONG.

    Big hugs!
    ;*

  • steph

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    aw baby girl. don’t be sad. it sucks that right when you think you’ve moved on, something opens the wound back up again. i wish you all the best. keep your head up, i mean, you have such a beautiful face, people need to see it! xoxo, steph

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    Maegen,

    I am almost 32, married, and childless by choice. Everyone I know is pregnant or has babies…at least it feels that way. I actually had a close friend tell me that she doesn’t have time for me right now. She needs friends who are also mothers, because I just don’t understand what she is going through. OUCH. But I guess it’s true.

    Because I have not tried to get pregnant, it is hard to relate to you, but I hate to see you suffer!

    I know you are down on modern medicine/pill popping – and that is so your choice! I wanted to tell you about ayurvedic medicine. My sister in law was “infertile.” She didn’t even ovulate. Fed up with western medicine that got her nowhere – she went to an ayurvedic doctor, not necessarily to get pregnant, but to deal with her lady issues. She really committed to the diet, massages and regime they put her on. It was essentially like hitting a restart button on her womb. She now has 2 daughters.

    I know this is just ANOTHER story of a woman who was told she would never have children, but did… but this did work for her. AND the benefits of ayurveda went way beyond the babies – her skin, hair, weight, etc have never looked better.

    Good luck to you Maegen – in whatever you decide to do.

  • Stephanie R

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I am a huge fan of yours, I’m 36 and spent 30-33 trying to get pregnant and not able to. Immediately after an HSG, I conceived my son. Then I spent 34-36 trying again and after ordering another HSG (not doing it) and getting ready to start taking Clomid, I got pregnant. I don’t want to step on your toes or discredit your feelings but, have you ever tried doing anything that would not be invasive? That was my route. I was not going to do shots (that was my line) or spend 10G’s on IVF…..never. I did what was covered by my insurance or a minimal fee out of pocket. Could you see yourself going that way if you haven’t? It’s proactive, not invasive, and wouldn’t put you in the poor house.

    Best of luck…I adore you!!!

  • Vee

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    I’ve always said I don’t want babies, and I didn’t. I was told two weeks ago by my Dr that I actually can’t have babies…then I cried and was a botal bitch to my boyffriend for days and I still refuse to tell anyone, even my sister and she’s my best friend.

    I wanted the decision to not have them to be that, my decision and not biology telling me I can’t do it. I’m still all over the place with it. Somedays I’m sad, some I don’t care and others I buy myself a lot of stuff and am happy I have the money to do so.

    I’m sorry you’re in pain. I wish I could make it better for you all I can say is that you are most certainly not a failure. You seem to be an amazing friend and person.

    hugs,
    Vee

  • Kari

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    When I was young, I trusted the universe implicitly… and then, I grew up, and started to doubt everything I thought I knew.

    It’s only recently, now that I’ve learned I have no control over anything other then myself and my reactions and perception; that I’ve started to regain my trust that the universe will help me find what I need, even if it’s not what I think I want. It rarely is, right?

    I hope you can find some solace, I can only try to imagine how lonely such a stark realization might be.

    I thank you though, for sharing your thoughts so openly. I’m scared I might one day be in the same boat, and it’s so amazingly brave of you to be so open about it. Great big hugs from chilly Chicago!

  • The818

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    <3

  • FJ

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    You know I feel your pain. One sad person can’t comfort another so I’m just giving you a (hug). One day all our dreams will come true.

  • Anonymous

    February 24, 2010 | Reply

    As a public service announcement:

    Your odds of conceiving do not increase after adopting. They are the same as they were before. Only 5% of couples conceive and give birth after adopting.

  • Meredith

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Just wanted to delurk and say I feel for you. After trying to conceive on our own for a couple of years, we were told last summer that because of sperm issues, our only hope was IVF. I never thought I would go that far either, but as soon as I was told that was the only way to conceive, I knew in a heartbeat that I would do it.

    We did IVF in October/November, and now I’m four months pregnant. I know we were very fortunate that it worked the first time for us. And IVF is certainly no picnic. No one can or should tell you how to feel or what to do, but I would just like to suggest that fertility treatments can be do-able, and they are a miracle when they work. I don’t want to assume that you haven’t already educated yourself about what the treatments entail, but if you haven’t for whatever reason (it is SCARY to go down that road) it may be worth looking into, and connecting with people who have been through it. I wish you the best in whatever path you take.

  • Anonymous

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Hang in there Maegan. You will make it through the fog one way or another. The anger, hurt, and mourning last as long as it has to but you will get through it.

    As someone who has dealt with infertility, I feel your pain. There are some treatments that can be dealt with and others that cannot. The physical and psychological demand on the couple during this time is unreal.

    We’re thinking of you.

    Jennifer

  • trying

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Maegan, it’s been hard to read your heartbreak in your posts. Thanks for being as candid as you always are- I really admire your honesty. At the same time, everytime I’ve read one of your posts on fertility, I’ve thought “but why doesn’t she do something about it? the treatments are far less torture than the unfulfilled desire of wanting a child”.

    My husband and I were trying to conceive for 2 solid years and after about 6 months of not succeeding, we started seeing “specialists”… learning along the way I had PCOS… I was insulin resistant… and after a year of treatment for those issues(totally unrelated to fertility btw so you want to have it taken care of as it’s a harbinger for all sorts of other health issues), we finally started fertility treatment. After 4 cycles, I found myself pregnant.

    Yes the drugs were harsh and at times I didn’t know how much longer I wanted to continue the torture, but for us the desire for a child was greater than anything I was going through.

    And that’s my question for you. Is having a child extremely important to you? If not, I applaud you. If so, why not pursue medical intervention options?

    I hope you don’t take anything I’m saying as offensive. I really am speaking from the heart, as a woman who’s wanted children for so long.

    I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have about the course of treatment I followed, side effects etc.

  • Pretty Little World

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    We’re at a point that’s similar to this. I know that I’ll have difficulty getting pregnant. I went off the birth control for nearly two years – we weren’t really trying, but I figured if it happened, we were in a good position, and it would be a happy accident sort of thing. Yet, no baby. Not even a single, “I might be pregnant” moment.

    I think everyone I know has kids/is in the process of having more kids. I actually don’t feel like I need to have a baby, but I have this constant worry that if we don’t have kids, I’ll get to the point where it’s literally impossible and wish that we’d tried harder.

    But then I have the opposite worry too: what if, by some miracle, I end up getting pregnant, and then we realize that we were really liked our life better without kids?

    I completely agree with you that all of this pressure to make lots of babies is sort of insane. And it’s really sucky that you’re having to go through all of this. We’ll be here whenever you need to vent, or cry, or complain, or just talk.

    :)

  • Emily

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Beautiful, raw and fantastic. Thank you for being so very honest and for sharing this wonderful article. I too have been struggling with infertility but lack the “balls” to admit it publicly. It’s been so much easier to avoid the topic and pretend it doesn’t exist than to come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably never have a biological child. Thank you for your honesty; it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  • follower no more

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Just another blogger said it best; children are not fashion accessories.

  • Anonymous

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    Awww =(

    That’s okay though! I think babies are great, but I think my husband and I have such an awesome relationship we’re just fine on our own. I’m happy not to be pregnant because seeing every other friend get pregnant and go a little crazy and always pee a little when they laugh doesn’t make me feel left out!

  • L Aacoa Glaspie

    February 25, 2010 | Reply

    First, lemme say I love your outfit and style. I usually dont post comments but I feel compelled to share this time around. I also read my magazines the same way…back to front. Its the only way to do it.

    Babies are amazing!! I had my daughter at 29. Late in comparison to my five sisters who had them much earlier in life and I am now a super-overprotective idiot about her. I thought for a while I was infertile after endometrosis. None the less, here is she and she came at the moment I least expected her and stopped worrying. My husband and I enjoyed 3 years of marriage, with no baby. We had tons of fun in Florida, made career strides and practiced babymaking without that being the goal. More for the fun of it.

    Eliminate the stress from your life as much as possible. You can never really be “ready” for a baby so dont worry yourself trying. Truly enjoy your time and space because it will cease to exist once baby comes. Enjoy your husband and all the baby-making…”exercises.” Be patient. If/when the mommy bug starts to pain you, consider other options. Motherhood is natural and the feeling is natural whether your baby comes biologically or not.

  • jennine

    February 26, 2010 | Reply

    i know it seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, but the truth is, not everyone is pregnant or having babies, i know lots of women our age who for various reasons can’t or won’t have kids either… many really have a hard time getting into a relationship with a man, others struggle with career/life balance, it’s such a hard thing.. i worry myself, as i’m not even near being ready for children, and it doesn’t seem like there really is much time left…and man, there’s a whole host of guilt between am i wanting kids because that’s what everyone wants or because i really want them… it’s all complicated, and i believe it’s complicated for everyone.

  • stacy di

    February 26, 2010 | Reply

    I never know what to say to my friends who are going through fertility issues…I’m at a total loss for words. So, I’ll send you hugs…and hope it helps a teeny tiny bit!

  • Jen

    February 26, 2010 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I have been following your blog for a long time dreaming of amazing outfits and a stellar attitude to go with them. I am a student of naturopathic medicine and your sadness/struggle with infertility touched me. Have you seen a naturopath? There are a lot of fertility supportive modalities and treatments that may help and are definitely worth a shot if you are frustrated with conventional medicine. We learned about a 9 month cleanse to prepare the body to concieve as well as a number of acupuncture protocols that work for a lot of people. I would recommend naturopathic care to you…in fact, i truly believe that all people could benefit with a naturopath as part of their healthcare team.
    Good luck! Also, don’t count out adoption….this is coming from someone who knows. I was adopted at the age of 3 months and couldnt have asked for a more spectacular pair of parents.

  • Jill VT

    February 27, 2010 | Reply

    I am pretty sure 99.9% of people have babies not because it’s trendy, but because they want to have a child with the person they love. I assume you are the same way! And, believe it or not, parents continue to love their babies even when they grow up. They don’t all turn into brats, if you’ve done a good job. And I’m sure you would!

  • Chadserious

    February 28, 2010 | Reply

    Maegan-

    Have you checked with your…DOGOBGYN?

  • Patni

    March 6, 2010 | Reply

    I am sorry Maegan. I am infertile too, and if any one feels the need to comment, i tend to refer to myself as barren. It usually shuts them up quick. I am so sick of the stupid baby culture we live in. You are not incomplete as a woman or as a human if you do not procreate. The human race has gone far beyond needing those hormones to keep itself going. Your worth is not defined by partners or offspring. There are many many ways we can both give and receive unconditional love. I think i do both. I am sick of people looking down their noses at my choices. I get the selfish thing a lot…well i am not selfish. I am not sure that filling the world up with all kinds of extra people is really unselfish either.
    I know this feeling is not PC or what ever. but it is how i feel.

  • Anonymous

    April 1, 2010 | Reply

    I love you blog but I am so confused as to why you don’t see a doctor about this. For example. maybe you are just fine and your husband’s sperm is weak. At least you would know what’s going on. Also, why would you not consider uninvasive treatment? We are having a hard time getting pregnant and I would draw the line at IVF but am not opposed to something like Clomid. Would you mind addressing why you won’t at least find out what is causing the problem and explain why you are opposed to something like clomid? It’s just that it’s confusing to hear you say you are depressed about wanting a baby but you apparently won’t seek ANY guidance on what is causing the delay in pregnancy. I get not going to extremes but why not at least see a doc specifically about your “infertility”? (I put that in quotes because it seems you haven’t ruled out that it is your husband with a low sperm count)

  • Ife

    May 6, 2010 | Reply

    Ok, 1st of all, I also read magazines back to front. I recently did a twitter survey and found that we are not alone.. it’s fairly common, although no one seemed to have a good explanation as to why… I like to think that means we’re brilliant. (your blog is proof of that). This might warrant a blog post about the phenomenon…hmmmm

    Now, on to the infertiliy. Don’t give up just yet. The female body is such a strange thing. It does what it wants, when it wants. Stay positive and keep on doin the nookie just for fun… you just never know…

    http://ifeluvsu.blogspot.com

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