Update: Where I Am in the Journey to Accepting the Fact that I will Probably Not get to Have Children

the cutest little girl in the world, my niece, delilah george with a yellow flower, DSC_0164

I no longer hope that “this is the month”, in fact I wish the opposite. I no longer am upset by my period as a reminder that yet again, there is no baby growing inside of me but am relieved at the sight of the blood {ew, I know}. I am not swayed by the cute squishiness of newborns any longer but only see how much work they require and how little sleep parents get. I smile when I awake in the mornings, knowing I can roll over and fall back to sleep in my soft bed until whatever time I want to because I don’t have a child who needs me. I relax at the thought that I won’t ever have to deal with homework and parent/teacher meetings and other parents telling me how to raise my own kid. I love that my husband and I don’t have that extra stress in our lives. I wonder how I’d get anything accomplished with an infant running around 24/7. I’m afraid of pregnancy now. I’m afraid of postpartum now. Thoughts like “What if I hate being a mother and resent my kid because of it” scare me into contentment.

On a semi-regular, if not daily basis, I find myself scrolling through the checklist above in my head …as if somehow by thinking about and/or stating only the negative attributes that children bring to a couple’s life eases the harsh reality that I, indeed, did not get to decide that I wanted a life without children but rather, the decision was made for me.

And mostly, this tactic works. Mostly, I am happy. Mostly we are happy. Mostly I love our life and I love our freedom. But once in a while emotion punches logic straight in the mouth, calls it a fool and wrecks havoc on my otherwise orderly anti-kid thoughts.

At this point in my process of acceptance, 4+ years after we decided we wanted to have a kid, the emotion is less one of sadness and more of just flat disappointment. And this disappointment makes itself abundantly clear when in the presence of a small child or maybe hearing the news of another pregnancy and in some cases, the news of an unwanted pregnancy. Seeing mothers take what they have for granted when so many other women would give their left arm to have it, is disappointing.

You know when you save and save and save for something and by the time you finally can afford to buy it, it means so much more to you than say, something that was just handed to you? You hold it dear, cherish it and take better care of it. It’s along those lines.

I guess my daily “I’m so glad we never had kids” statements are a way to somehow trick my psyche into believing that it was my choice, that it is my choice.

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I stopped by my mom’s on Wednesday afternoon to visit with her on her weekly day with my adorably precious niece, Delilah George, and I just so happened to have my camera with me.

We sat in the sun in the backyard and pulled flowers off of Delilah’s little feet every 20 seconds when she stepped on one. We watched her walk in circles around the picnic blanket we were sitting on. We answered all of her “what is da?” questions with excitement and willingness and eventually went inside, making our way into Delilah’s room. Three girls in one room naturally led to a few outfit changes, which Delilah was fully on board for.

I started “styling” Delilah, asking my mom for specifics and wondering what shoes she had with her when mom pulled out this little leather patchwork purse that was hers when she was a child and then gave to me when I was a little girl to play with. When she pulled it out and handed it to Delilah I had an inner impulse to grab it like a child and say “That’s mine!” …which obviously, I did not release. Out of nowhere emotion punched me in the mouth and memories of my mom saying that she would save it for my little girl to play with in the future washed over me. The disappointment of the reality set in: I don’t have a little girl and I never will. But I kept it all to myself in fear of making my mom cry …and in fear of crying myself. I was okay.

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Lying against the wall on the floor were a few Disney prints my mom recently found and reframed to hang in Delilah’s room. Memories flashed again: these used to hang in my room when I was a little girl and seeing them brought up the same disappointment …and another punch to the mouth.

Here I thought I was okay. Here I thought I had accepted my life situation and moved on. I have very much realized I am more than just “infertile” …haven’t I? I surely have more to offer the world than children alone. But obviously I am still very much on the journey of acceptance and not on the other side of it …yet. And the question begs, Will I ever be on the other side of it? I thought I had come so far, yet it returns.

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But just seeing my mom with Delilah is hard sometimes. I don’t get to give her a grandchild. That’s disappointing. That makes me feel like I’m disappointing her …even though she says it’s not the truth, I know she still hopes I will someday. And that’s not something I can promise her.

On most days, my tough, nothing gets to me attitude prevails & my checklist is on hand to back me up but this particular day I came home just a little quieter. Shoulders a little lower. Knowing again that I am not part of the “mommy world” is disappointing, on many levels, but it won’t keep me from spending time with these two cuties any less. At least I have this time with my niece to maybe make up for something else that’s lost.

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I’ll be 35 this year. I thought I’d have at least 2 kids in tow by now. Obviously we have thoughts and dreams of how our life is going to turn out & are rudely awakened in adulthood when it’s not all tiaras and fairytales. But also, what did we know when we dreamed those dreams for our future selves? How much do we know about life when we are 9 or 13 or even 23? Nothing really. Nothing in comparison to how life really is …to how our lives really unfold and reveal themselves. Sure many people grow up and do what they’re “supposed to do” and from the outside it all looks like it’s going exactly as planned but rarely do I see truly happy people as a result of succombing to societal pressures.

My husband and I are happy. We have made a relatively stress-free life for ourselves and we enjoy it thoroughly. We like it this way. We didn’t follow any rules or stick to any “supposed to’s” that didn’t fit into what we thought was smart for us. And I’m okay with not following the rules because there are no set rules, this is OUR life.

But still …no matter how logical it all seems to be okay with NOT having kids, I can’t control the emotions that sometimes arise from the idea that I’ll never get to see this on a regular basis. And that’s disappointing.

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* Photos by me …Cutest Baby on the planet by my Bro & Sister in Law, Morgan @ The818

* I know this isn’t a great Happy Friday post but I get so many emails from women going through similar situations that I thought I’d take a minute to update where I am in the process of acceptance. This if for those of you dealing with the same life situation at the moment. You will find peace with it someday …at least parts of it, on some days. Advice: keep very busy with something else you are passionate about. Your life will fall into place.

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

125 Comments

  • Miss Caitlin S.

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I love this!! So honest and so sincere, it pulled at my heart a lot. You are beautiful inside and out!

  • Nadine

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Oh, honey. There is nothing I can say . . this is your journey that you are making yourself. Big hugs. Love your work!

  • Marisa

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I won’t say I totally get where you’re coming from, because I think it’s different for everyone, but I can say that I partially get it. We’ve been struggling with IF for close on two years and it’s also gone from tears nearly every day to this sort of weird acceptance thing and even a few moments of hey, this is great that we can do this or that since we don’t have kids yet bla bla. But yeah, there’s always that feeling buried deep inside of – this is NOT how I planned it.

    I think the feeling of not having control is the worst part. At least for me, personally it is.

    I don’t know if that ever goes away, but it looks like you’ve come a long way if you can at least say you’re happy most of the time. I think that’s something to be proud of.

  • Amy @ThenThereWere

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan there are no words, I just wanted to say thank you for the post, for your honestly and openness.

    Amy x
    @ThenThereWere

  • Elisabeth

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Great update, due to the fact that i feel the same situation, but we didn´t decide “to have” children never. When we meet I told him I never had the illusion to have children, so think about it before is too late for you. And he decided, and now he don´t want to have children at all (but I think and see that he could will be a great dad an he dies for a girl) and me… well I´m not sure at all, but I don´t want to change my life and maybe am a bit egoist.
    Thx for letting know that I´m not the only one, because when you tell the world you don´t have the dream to become mum, they just look at you like….’poor girl’… and I look at him like this too … as I heard one time ‘there´s only a thing better than be mum/dad, and it is to don´t be it at all’
    kisses honey

  • Nina

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I’m a long time reader but this is my first comment. I felt it was time to say thank you so much for your generosity with your feelings and thoughts. You are a true inspiration. And I believe that the fact that you can articulate your feelings so precisely puts you miles ahead in the journey to come to terms with the cards life have dealt you. I want you to know how much I appreciate and admire your honesty and openness. Best, Nina

  • Opposite lipstick

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Adorable!!

    oppositelipstick.blogspot.com

  • Katie

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Beautiful photos. There are many women who are going through the same thing, share the same feelings as you do and this post just assures them that they are not alone. You seem like an amazing Aunt and a very strong woman.x

  • DaMnViXeN

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    in my country being 25 single and childless is a bit odd. my brother and i frequently put off pressures to get married by saying having kids will end our comfortable lives as we know it now.. but really deep inside me is a growing envy for the increasing number of friends having miniature versions of them in tow.. thank you for this post ^^

  • Jeanie

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Why don’t you adopt? You can do so much good and you will be able to love someone. We are capable in loving people who do not share the same blood.
    It is such a wonderful option, I can’t understand why you didn’t decide to take it. I think it could make you really happy if you just open your heart to the idea.

  • coffeeaddict

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan, thanks for sharing your thoughts so openly and honestly with us.
    In case you haven’t heard of the blog La Belette Rouge, I suggest you go over and check for yourself. It’s written by a lovely well spoken therapist who is in therapy herself, mainly because she too is dealing with the fact that she is unable to have children.

  • *amanda*

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    ♥ ♥ ♥
    {{virtual hug}}
    So much good good writing here spoke to me. Thanks for sharing.

    “…once in a while emotion punches logic straight in the mouth, calls it a fool and wrecks havoc on my otherwise orderly…thoughts…”

    We’re all just riding this ride, aren’t we?

  • Lucy

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I know exactly how you feel, its weird feeling both sides of the story at the same time. This morning I checked my Facebook account and every single post on the Newsfeed was about babies or pregnant friends, I do feel alienated sometimes but I have also experienced all the worst aspects of it through my friends too, the depression and the exhaustion being something I don’t think I could ever come to terms with. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this with us, I very often get made to feel like a weirdo for trying to explain how I feel about this matter to people and so have learned not to bring it up, it does make me feel better to know I’m not the only one out there. Happy Friday to You too, I hope you have a glorious weekend xxxxx

  • Deborah

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Hug hug hug.

  • The Curvy Girl

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you so much for this post. It hits home on so many levels…

  • Pilar González

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegan!!

    I´m from Spain and discovered your blog some weeks ago, cause I love fashion and DIYs.
    Today post has removed something inside me.
    I hope my awfull english let me communicate you a clear message.
    I have two healthy and pretty childs.
    Every day, I wake up early in the morning and go to bed too late and so tired that I can’t take care of my skin, nails, hair, closet, and so on…even I wonder if I had sometime some of these things…

    Once upon a time, my husband and I frecuently went out for dinner, saw good films, readed and comment interesting books, and travel very, very often. We were a happy couple, but nowadays, things are completly different.

    I’m a secondary teacher, housewife, mom, daughter and a lot of exhausting more things 24/7, as you say. Perhaps, somebody can think I have a full life, but the awfull truth is that I have no life.

    Everything has a price.

    Maegan, go on and enjoy your life, with all the lights and shadows.

    I´ll do so too.

    Love: Pilar

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing, this is really brave of you. This is a very “normal” problem today. 25% of our generation face infertillity issues.
    I am one of them.

  • Jenny

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Hey Maegan,
    I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I read your blog every day (religiously!) and it was really touching that you shared this–it takes courage and I really appreciated your honesty. Thanks for letting us into your world and giving comfort to women out there reading this who are in similar situations. I hope that it gets easier for you. *hugs!*

  • Jennah Watters

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you <3

  • AlbeeLucky

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    w/<3AlbeeLucky

  • Melody

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I just want to give you a big hug! You are a brave woman. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your feeling with everyone. You are also helping lots of other women.

  • Raquel

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I think you should look at your situation from a different perspective: ok, maybe you cant “make” a child, but that doesnt mean you cant have one. Maybe, just maybe, your not suppose to have a biological child but your suppose to take a child in your arms and change her life and destiny. Isnt that so much more glorious than having one your own? Maybe you cant have a biological one, but still, you DO have the option of being a mum, if you want to.

    No one comes to this world with a mission, you can make your own.

  • Anna Saccone

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This was a lovely post, Maegan. And your niece is very beautiful, just like you. She is still a part of you after all. <3 xoxo

  • astr!d

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    you are so brave to share this. i have bits of rage at things that happen to children, murder, abuse, neglect. my husband and i lost a baby at 8 mths and had to watch her on life support for 21 days. meanwhile, people were floating in and out of picu like it was the grocery store. other babies didnt have any family or visitors come by. and others parents were there that acted indifferent, like they didnt care if their baby lived or died. no one knows why our baby died, no one knows why you can’t get pregnant. let me just plant one beautiful thought in you, adoption. there are hundreds of babies, children that come from horrible backgrounds that need love. and just because a baby didnt grow in your belly doesnt mean you wont love it the same. just a thought! and you are beautiful!!!!

  • Collections

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This was a beautiful post, the pictures and the statements. My cousin is going through a very similar time in her life and it kills me to see her so upset. Clearly you are a wonderful person (as is my cousin) and although you can’t have a child I think you’ll both find great happiness in your life either way. I can understand how hard it is to see your niece, sometimes things are bittersweet.

    http://www.fashionablecollections.blogspot.com

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Many think adoption just “isn’t the same”, but it’s so rewarding and that child is truly YOUR child. So many children in this world need a home.

    It’s also a perfect marriage: someone who can’t have children paired up with someone “given away” from another who didn’t want children.

  • Rachael

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This might sound totally weird (and way too personal for a blog comment?), but sometimes when I read your daily updates I wonder how you’re feeling about this subject on that particular day. Ever since reading your earlier posts about your struggle with acceptance, I felt it could never be far from your mind. I’m glad that you’re on the way to accepting it – even momentary lapses don’t take away from how strong you’re being each day. I totally admire you for it.

    Rachael
    http://everydayconfetti.blogspot.com

  • Bethany

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Beautiful post.

  • Emily

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This is an amazing post–I seriously feel like this was written about me. I feel the exact same tug of emotions; the telling myself it’s “OK” and then seeing people who have children and seeing how beautiful they are…it’s not easy. I have those “punched in the teeth” moments, too. Especially when my inability to have children continues to haunt me in ongoing/related health issues. I have to have surgery for the endometriosis that is literally taking over my organs, which my Dr. said was to “preserve my fertility.” Preserve what, exactly? It’s hard to think that it won’t happen, but I think I’m finally getting to a point where I’m mostly OK. Thank you for your honesty; it really means a lot.

  • olive paperie

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Wow..I normally never comment but this post is tugging at my heart. Believe when I say, it will happen when you least expect it. I lived through it. Just keeping praying and it will happen.

    Dana

  • TeamBabyCEO

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you writing this, because dealing with fertility (I don’t like the “in” version of that word either) is a very, very personal, painful, and frustrating thing.

    I’ve been perusing your blog regularly since before I started my own experience with ovulation kits, clomid, and negative after negative pregnancy test. I’m on my way to IVF, knowing that its my last best chance towards having a child in the way I prefer to do it.

    It is really, really hard when people say things like “relax and it will happen”. or “you can always adopt.” While well meaning, that may not be either helpful or what you personally feel you can or want to do about the situation. On top of the frustration of not being able to conceive for any good reason, or dealing with the relationship issues with your spouse that can arise with repeated failures to conceive, I know that this can be a really painful and lonely journey as well, so I applaud you for the courage to express your emotions on this.

    All my best to you.

  • DomesticJenny

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I’m childless by choice and if I could give my baby making skills away(presuming I in fact have them) to all the wonderful woman like you I would in a heart beat! It truly breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. i know it’s not the same but I’m a big advocate for adoption, is that something you and your husband have considered? My thoughts, prayers, and all the baby making vibes I have go out to you!

  • Leah

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This post has almost brought me to tears. I respect your honesty, and although I have not been in your situation, I have thought about the “what-if’s” a lot. I pray that you will find comfort in your situation and that no matter the outcome, you and your husband will continue to find joy in life as a couple.

    xo L.

  • Carisma

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    HUG <3

  • Behind the Lashes

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I admire you’re not afraid to share deep emotions like this Maegan. I hope to be a blogger just like you.
    xoxo

  • Jessica

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I’m yet another woman here going through fertility issues. You are strong and wonderful and I wish for the best for you.

    My husband and I are in the middle of adoption paperwork to adopt from Korea and I’m curious about your thoughts on adoption. Each time you post about your fertility I’m hoping you’ll mention adoption and how you feel about it. I understand it might not be something you’re comfortable with, but it seems like you have so much desire for a child and I’m sure you would be a great mother, no matter whether the child is yours biologically or not.

  • Peetzi Jen

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    What a beautiful post!!

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I never leave comments, but your post was so touching! Thank you for being so honest. This is why I love your blog!

  • anhesty

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    great photos. and its so brave of you to share with us your personal details.

  • CessOviedo

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Whatever makes you happier is the path you have to choose, you and the hubbs seem to have a great relationship, beautiful post!

    <3 Cess O.
    http://blog.cessoviedo.com

  • trish

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I just have to say never say never. I had also resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t have children due to a cancer scare years ago. Hubby and I were enjoying our dogs and our recent crazy idea to quit our jobs and start a business. Then I got cocky and said no to the condom. Now at 39 I am a new mom. So good for you for the positive attitude. I had many of those logic punches as well. However, miracles happen so be prepared!

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    You CAN be a mother! You can adopt. You can do IVF. You can pay a surrogate. We live in an age where almost NOTHING is impossible regarding childbearing. Go for your dreams!!! If you have to scrimp and save for IVF…do it!!!

    People create their famalies in many ways, not just the old fashioned way.

  • BESOS LYNN

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I love your honesty and willingness to share your journey! Your story will certainly help and inspire others. For you, please be inspired to LIVE and let the universe give you all that you need for this journey!
    besos,lynn

  • Rachee

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    <3! Beautiful post and thank you for sharing. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and you never fail to inspire, be it fashion or just being honest and poignant.

  • Amanda Blair

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    this is such a beautiful and honest post. I love that you share all the hard stuff on your blog too, not just the happy stuff.

    This might be way out of line and is none of my business so I apologize in advance, but have you guys ever thought of adopting? I know it’s not the same as having your own child bu I was just wondering if you guys ever thought about it?

    Either way I’m happy you have more peace in your heart because you deserve it!

  • A.Co

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I’m so glad you gave us an update, M. Obviously, from the outside, it looks as if you’re doing great – all these blog posts, you look fab, awesome DIY’s, a great hubs, etc. however, we forget that we ARE on the outside and we REALLY don’t know you or what you’re going through.

    The check-list is important, and a great way to distract yourself and CONVINCE yourself this is right, but, I know, there are always those moments…

    A.Co @ A.Co est. 1984

  • Holly Courtney

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing this with us, Meagan. I am sure it will be comforting to other women in similar circumstances. I differ from you in that when I think of babies all I see are sleepless nights, dirty diapers, stretch marks, nausea, college funds, saggy boobs, sick kids, difficulties balancing work and home life, fear of being a terrible parent, actually being a terrible parent, and work, work, work. Basically everything on your list and more. Though I am 26 and married, these reasons keep me from even wanting to try having kids. I guess what I am saying is that you are helping me too. I hope that one day I will be able to see and understand all the wonderful aspects of motherhood because right now I feel like a bit of a failure myself.

  • Love + Marriage

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    A couple months ago I told my mom that maybe getting pregnant wasn’t going to happen for me, maybe I was just meant to be an auntie. We both cried and she told me “If any of my (3) children should be a mom, it’s you.” But it isn’t happening for some reason and we’ve been trying for almost two years. Lately we’ve been doing all the ‘getting pregnant’ tips and I was almost sure it worked this month.
    This morning I woke up to my period. I walked out the door and said behind me to my husband “I got my period…it didn’t work.” Then I got in the car and cried. And I come to work to read this and hmmm…crying again.
    Thanks for talking for us girls. <3

  • Allie

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    This is so beautiful. But I wouldn’t give up yet. Just because you can’t have your own child, doesn’t mean that there aren’t millions of little children out in the world that not only need a mommy, but would have a better life if you were theirs.

    http://www.thevanitylair.com/

  • Evil Mr. Peppers

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    We have obviously thought about adoption and all of the other options.

  • The818

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Sis, I love you. Sometimes I feel like I go through all of those emotions with you too – except the opposite…jealousy, sadness, jealousy, hope…jealousy again as I realize that I’ll be “mean mommy” and you’ll be “cool aunt” no matter what I do…life is so messy and complicated, and “infertile” is so low on the list of incredible things that you are.

    It’s a journey. Who knows where it goes? One thing is for certain though, you’ve got one hell of a co-pilot.

  • Bootsy

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Reading this it is evident that you are even more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside. I truly hope that you get everything you want in this world, and I think any child would be blessed to have you for a mother whether they come to you through birth or adoption. Stay strong!

  • Steph

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    So much love for you my dear. Really.

  • Keisha

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I am so trying not to bawl my eyes out as I read this blog post at work. I am in the same situation and although I still have a couple of years (I will be 32 next month) of the possibility of childbearing, this has to be the worst feeling ever. I also thought I had my life planned out…even my family goes on with the “you did things the right way” lines. That doesn’t the fact that we don’t have kids any easier on me. I think as women, most of us get to a point where we want kids and long for them. DH still says he wants kids, but doesn’t understand the situation of a biological time clock. I look at all of my friends and family with kids and yes I try to tell myself that I have it better with the fact that I can do what I want, when I want, but it doesn’t take the longing feeling of wanting kids away. I don’t know, maybe at some point it will get better…

  • Sarah

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    You just described my feelings about not having children yet. Thank you so much!!

  • Elaine

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Such a strong post. All the best to you in your journey.

  • DM

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for this… Thank you very much.

  • Helena

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing. You’re a beautiful and courageous person who is truly inspirational.

  • katou

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Your niece is amazingly cute and tahnk you for sharing with us i love it when blogging goes further than fashion to reach us in the deepest!!!
    http://insidekatouscloset.blogspot.com

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    That was so sweet, honest and brave.

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegan,

    Just wanted to say that you’re very eloquent at expressing yourself on this delicate topic. I wanted to say thank you because I too am going through something similar and it was only recently that I reached this ‘acceptance’ stage. However, I still have moments where the deep inner longing for a child creeps up and grabs me unawares.

    I’ve just spoken to my hubby and have asked him to consider the possibility that we may need to set a time limit as to when we are going to keep trying for a child before we consider adopting. At the moment we’ve settled on another 4 yrs, with the desperate hope that we may be able to conceive in that time.

    Thanks so much for expressing my thoughts and emotions on this. I don’t think I can offer you any words of comfort other than just continue to stay strong.

    Peace.

  • Nikki Aimee

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing, Maegan.
    Sometimes, I feel so alone and feeling the way you and not that I’m happy we both share this feeling but… I dunno, guess I don’t feel as wrong for feeling the way I do at times. I deal with trying to accept that I just may never get married, along with never having a child. Seeing my parents play around with my 2 year old niece, seeing my mother shop for her or just looking at some of my baby/toddler clothes we saved for my daughter oneday… it all brings up these feeling of jealousy and disappointment. *sigh*

  • Brown Birdy

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I’m sure others have asked this-and you may have addressed it in the past…but I am curious why adoption is not an option for you? YES-I KNOW it is not the same…BUT you can love the same! AND you wouldn’t have many of the things you listed as your ‘I’m ok w it because…’ list! You could adopt older, did you know that even adopting age 3 and over the ‘price’ goes waaaay down? These kids are considered ‘special needs’ often only because they are finally over the age of 3! Yes many have special needs-but if that’s not your thing it’s easy as pie to find a child w/o special needs. In the south they will practically pay you to take the children! No joke! It can be $3K to get the whole process done and then you have a tax credit…so funding shouldn’t be a detourant. There are SO many kids who would LOVE to have you as their mommy…wont you consider giving one of them a mommy?

  • Brown Birdy

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Oh and I wanted to say-go check out Simplygrove.com Both of her kiddos are adopted! I know them personally-and no one could have ever made a better match! God brought this couple children when they couldn’t have any…Kirsten would be a great gal to chat with on the topic of domestic (American) adoption!

  • ...love Maegan

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    …adoption isn’t NOT an option for us. But that’s in the future. The adoption process is long and hard and expensive but we have definitely thought about it and consider it an option. Obviously, we have thought about everything. Thank you for your comments though 🙂

  • Mandy

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    *hugs*! Thinking of you!

  • MerciBlahBlah

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to tell you that we decided to to IVF when I was 38. They implanted three embryos, one split, so I ended up pregnant with quads. After going through IVF to get pregnant, the doctors counselled us to reduce to one or two babies (preferably reduce the identicals, because of health risks, yada yada, etc.). How do you make that decision? We couldn’t, and put it in God’s hands, and at 8 weeks preg, we knew one wasn’t developing like the others and ended up losing her (I believe in my heart it was a her).

    I guess I’m saying this to give you encouragement that maybe there is hope you can still have children at 35,36, 37, etc. I realize my situation is extreme with triplets, and there are days that I miss my life when I could just leave the house on a whim, or the hubs and I could plan a trip, or just frigging go to the grocery store without having to plan it out, but at the same time, as hard as it is, and it is the hardest thing ever, I realize how blessed we are.

    I don’t know what all you have looked into as far as your options go, but if you want to talk off-line, I am more than happy to give you more details about our experience. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want(merciblahblah at gmail dot com). If not, that’s okay too. Hang in there, keep the faith, and I pray that you are able to make peace with your destiny, no matter what it is. Hell, I pray that I am able to make peace with my own destiny!

    Hugs,
    Shannan

  • the Blah Blah Blahger

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I have a similar disappointment in that, I too, am turning 35 this year and thought I’d have rugrats of my own, however, Mr. Right and I have yet to meet. It’s disappointing to not share family milestones with my siblings and friends, but I agree. Staying busy, pursuing passions, and living for others instead of myself help keep the disappointment at bay!

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for your words, and the adorable photos of your niece. It is clear you love her dearly.

  • Whitney

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for the adorable photos of your niece and your mom. You are a very beautiful person, inside and out. Happy Friday 🙂

  • Anonymous

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I just returned from vacation with my husband, and BFF girlfriend and BFF boyfriend. We had the bestest (Island) time! I haven’t laughed so much for 5 days straight in my life! LOVE life, no matter what the “plan”

    Go on vacation Maegan, it’s so fun! 🙂

  • Amanda

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Long time reader, first time commenter. Just wanted to thank you for your honesty in this post.

    I have endometriosis (and had ovarian cysts) so children weren’t something that would easily be in my future but I’m very blessed in that my husband doesn’t want kids and we have a very full life enjoying each other’s company. About 3% of the time, I get miffed that my body decided to have a plan of its own but the other 97% of the time, I feel lucky for time to read, go for walks, have uninterrupted conversations, take baths, etc.

    It can be a rough thing for someone who actually wants children so good for you for being gentle with yourself. And, like others mentioned, there’s always foster care or adoption.

  • jenn~the stylish housewife

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    i wish i had the right words for you. it took me almost two years to get pregnant. i thought i would never get pregnant. one of my best friends is now going on almost four years of trying. she has watched every one of us get pregnant and i was terrified to tell her when we finally conceived. there are no words. i HATED when people would say…oh, when you least expect it and aren’t TRYING…it will happen. eff those people. i will be 36 this year (my husband will be 46-this is his first child also). i now have a five month old and although i LOVE LOVE LOVE and ADORE him…i had NO idea how hard it was going to be. like NO IDEA. i thought being a stay at home mom was like a permanent vacation…NO IDEA. i feel for you sweetie and i know it is not easy but enjoy every moment with your beautiful niece and enjoy that you get to spend all of your time with your amazing husband! you are beautiful and an inspiration. ~xo

    the stylish housewife

  • TK Kerouac

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    Its amazing how when we really want something and know we can’t have it, we can talk ourself out of it to perhaps bring more peace.

    And whatever it takes to bring on the peace, because whats the alternative?

    Looks like you are going to be an amazing aunt to your niece. I’d imagine that would feel similar to being a doting grandparent.

    How lucky she is to have you in her life.

  • Kayraheart.fashion

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I’m jst speechless. I’m trying to find words to say. Reading the post hit me hard emotionally,so true and honest. I wish u all the happiness and best wishes for facing the reality in life and leading a proud strong woman figurine.
    P.S on the brighter side of life u Are blessed with such an adorable cute neice

  • Tillie

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    oh Maegan –

    I know the pain that you guys are feeling. We have been on the infertility journey for only about half of what you have (now a little over 2 year)…a few losses along the way, but hope still remains.

    I read through all the comments, and I know that it is people who have never had the want, the desire, the need, the feeling of being infertile who say, just adopt. Adoption is not an answer. Sometimes, it’s required to move forward, but it’s not a fix.

    I am hopeful for y’all that you will get your little ones one day. I have gone through all of the emotions that you have at some point or another through this journey. I pray that you won’t have to for too much longer.

    Thanks for being honest and sharing your feelings/heartbreak…
    -tillie

  • Mae Lu

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    I’ve been reading your journey and trials off and on, and I can’t tell you how beautiful you are for opening about your pain and suffering over this great sadness. I know without a doubt that, whether you decide to adopt, foster or remain “dinks” (Dual Income No Kids), that you will always be a beautiful, loving, giving aunt, and a wonderful inspiration and pillar of strength to other women who are facing the same issue as you. And to women like myself who have been teeter tottering on the decision whether to have children at all. I don’t know if I even can have children, I have an incurable auto-immune disease, and the chance exists that I may not be able to have children, or if I do, they could be horribly disfigured, diseased or sick. That is a whole other arena of pain to face as well.

    Knowing there are amazing women out there like you, who are helping the rest of us, regardless of whatever our end goal is, makes life a better one.

    I pray for you sometimes, to heal you, and bring you even more happiness and courage.

    Much love to you, Maegan.

    Love,
    Mae Lu @ thereafterish.~

  • katinboots

    March 11, 2011 | Reply

    …Why isn’t adoption an option??

  • LuckALuck

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Having walked in your shoes, I totally get where you are coming from. I wish I could say “oh some day you’ll be over this” but sadly, I do not think the process will ever be “okay” … yes you can deal and come to terms but it’s never “okay” at least it never has been for me. But having said all that, I am totally at peace with my life and LOVE my life. We are perfectly happy and like you have built a great stress free fun filled life! There will always ALWAYS be a part of me that mourns the loss of this dream. But that doesn’t mean I can’t also find the silver lining in the loss.

  • Terapia Breve Sistémica

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    hi meagen , thanks for sharing your thoughts. im from mexico, im a pshycologist , and i recomend you try to go to ha brief therapist or someone who work why hipnosis, you havet o know the power of the mind….

  • Becky

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, although I visit your blog daily, I rarely post, but today, like so many others, I feel compelled to say something because your entry was so real and eloquent. I just turned 32, and I am pretty sure (95% sure) that I don’t want to have kids. My boyfriend is very sure he doesn’t. It’s a weird feeling. Everyday, thanks to Facebook, I see friend after friend have babies. (In fact, two had babies this week.) And I think “is there something wrong with me that i don’t want this?” My list of reasons for not wanting kids is very similar to the list you’ve crafted above. Most of the time, I feel confident in the decision. I know myself, and I know that it would be a challenge for me to be a good mother. So I focus on my nieces and nephews (all 11 of them), and I enjoy children through them. I’m glad to see that most of the time you can do the same with sweet Delilah.

    Even though my situation is so very different than yours, I can relate to what you said about life not turning out how we want. In so many ways, my life hasn’t either, and I know how hard that feeling is.

    I hope you know that it’s okay to be sad that you haven’t been able to have children yet. It’s not weakness to have moments like those you recently had with your mom and Delilah. It’s human to feel sorrow – to mourn what you can’t have. I think strength is acknowledging how we truly feel – not suppressing it. But I also know that coping mechanisms are essential to function.

    Also, I wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty if you don’t want to adopt. It’s okay. Should I feel bad and guilty because I don’t want kids at all? No. I’m sad to see so many people responding – not with true support – but with judgment and questions about adoption as an option. 🙁

    Stay strong. Wherever your life takes you, I think you will embrace and live it wonderfully. The choices you make are yours – and it’s okay to mourn the choices you didn’t get to make… even if it means mourning them on some level forever.

    {hugs}

  • Mawiyah

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    This post reminded me of how much I adore and appreciate my two children. Sometimes I get soooo soooo overwhelmed by being a single Mom – but this reminded me of how blessed I am and how EVERYONE has a journey… <3

  • Amy

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    This is so moving. I love when a blogger will open up and truely speak from the heart.

  • Chiada

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    I am right there with ya. And feel almost the same way. I’m 33, married for almost 12 years, and childless. Every month I wonder if maybe it will happen, and then when it doesn’t, somehow I’m kinda relieved? It’s weird…. But at the same time, we’ve both decided that the important thing is that we don’t want to STRESS about it. If this is it, then fine. This is how it will be and we’ll make the best of it. We don’t want to spend countless hours and money in doctors offices going through tests trying to figure it out and trying to force something to happen that won’t. We decided to just let nature happen. And if a baby comes, great! If no babies come, well then, okay then. So be it. *siiigh*… but, yeah. Sometimes, some months are harder than others.

  • Kimberlee

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing! Such an amazing post. I myself can also not have kids and convinced myself I don’t want them. My sister gave birth to her second child (another boy) in February. It’s hard not to get bummed. I would have preferred I made the choice not to have kids, not that the choice was made for me already. There is always surrogacy and adoption though. Stay strong!

  • Poppy

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    This was an amazing post, I love your honesty. Have you ever considered adoption? How do you feel about that subject? You are a strong woman & you are very inspiring to those who cant have children.

  • karpouzaaki

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    My dear sweet Maegen!
    I would love to give you the BIGGEST hug in the whole wide world!! I can only imagine how you feel…but I thank you for sharing with all of us! I really believe that getting your feelings out and realizing them is definitely a GIANT step to finding a way to deal with it.
    I feel like you’re part of my everyday life! You give me so much inspiration and your energy is like a spark to get me out of any bad mood! My prayers will be with you always and I hope the for the best in your life’s journey!

  • Sarah

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,
    it was a beautiful, heartfelt post, and I believe it is one of those things which keep coming back, and you never really learn how to deal with. Therefore we can only praise you for fighting this battle everyday.
    It is one of those events in life, like diseases, like other types of losses, which constantly remind us that we do not get to control everything, and we are left to accept what we have and make the most of it. I think you are doing a splendid job at that.

    I believe we are not in the position to judge your decisions or to suggest any: I believe that solutions come when we are ready to take them in our hands, and I trust you will. My sister’s life has been changed when she decided to adopt, but she was lucky enough to get the most adorable 12 days old little lady, and it is not the same for everyone, especially if it is not what they truly desire.

    I leave you a big hug, and I hope the weekend managed to soothe you a bit.

    Best,

    S

  • lauraa

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    I’ve been following your blog for a long time and my heart wrenches for you each time you talk about this. I think you are incredibly brave for talking like this and I have no doubt that there will be many people who needed words like yours to help them. Thank you.
    I wish you all the joy in the world and truly hope that some day your time will come.
    xxx

  • Karin Şen Cankan

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Love how you put your words next to eachother, you touch my heart with your words so pure so honest, one-day Meagan believe evertyhing will be perfect, my mom went to the say stage and look what happened, so just beleive and always be happy and have that wonderful smile of yours.
    Love
    Karin
    karinsfairytale.blogspot.com

  • Anonymous

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, my heart goes out to you. I have followed you blog for over a year now and have never posted anything, but today I had to stop and write a word of encouragement. My sister was having infertility problems too, her endometriosis was so bad she had a hysterectomy. This was a very difficult time for her and our family and so my empathy goes out to you. I believe that even though it is very difficult for you, you have chosen to go about dealing with your emotions and circumstances in the right way. Whether you realize it or not, you’re helping others in your same situation by letting them know that they aren’t alone in their private emotional roller coasters. Your blog is a beacon of light and hope and a source of comfort. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself on your page laughing at a funny post or checking out a diy. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts with us. <3 jbeauart

  • Holeh

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    you are so strong! such an inspiration. *hugs*
    xo, holeh

    http://www.platinumteaparty.blogspot.com

  • Henar

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Aaw, this is beautiful !
    I love it ! ♥
    xx

    Henar
    …OH MY VOGUE!

  • Angie

    March 12, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you so much for your honesty and sincerity. I am coming in on 30 and terminated a pregnancy 2 years ago, and have never been able to let go of that regret. My now mister has a two year old and I am flooded with emotions when I spend time with her and I often feel guilty for it. Thank you for writing these words. You have shown me that it is normal to feel that way, and acceptance is the fastest way to happiness. You are amazing.

  • Anonymous

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    I’m so, so sorry. Research has shown that the stress of being infertile can be equivalent to the stress of having a terminal illness. My heart goes out to you.

    I’m sure that you have been inundated with advice, but TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) has worked some miracles. I know firsthand! I was almost 40 with an FSH of 17 and 3 months of acupuncture and herbs worked for me. Read The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. She is a Western MD who experienced secondary infertility but subsequently got pregnant using TCM. She was so impressed that she studied TCM and now specializes in curing infertility using TCM methods. The book explains what is going on in Western medicine.

    Best of luck! You have your age going for you.

  • thesisterhoodofspiritualsinglemoms

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    I don’t think anyone would expect you to ignore your emotions. I can’t imagine how hard your situation is for you. I don’t think there is anything anyone can possibly say to make you feel better. All I can say is I do have kids, and I also have nieces and nephews, and I honest to goodness, cross my heart, could not possibly love my nieces and nephews any more if they were mine. You will have such a special relationship with your niece and she will have a bond with you that no one else on earth can replace. It is a really good feeling. God Bless you. My brother and his wife had a VERY hard time starting their family. Many, many tears, miscarriages, and dr.s visits they are parents now. I pray that happens for your and your husband also.

  • kasey

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Jess

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    the world works by having different people. whether it’s about race, believes, faiths. certainly not everyone is the same. not everyone will become parents, and I wish for us, that people can see that being “different” isn’t different at all and we shouldn’t be criticise for what we chose in our life.

  • Anonymous

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    Meg,
    Your post touched me in it’s honesty and vulnerability. I am tentative about posting any kind of advice, because I don’t know your fertility challenges or what methods you have tried that didn’t work for you. But, whenever I hear of couples who are struggling with trying to conceive, I always suggest the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler.
    In my group of friends, it has become known as “the Book” for it’s unbelievable success rate. I’ve known couples who have tried for years, then conceived within months of using the advice in this book. One particular couple I know tried for 5 years, but were faced with incredible challenges. He had diabetes and didn’t manage it well in his wild younger days, she was 38 at the time. They conceived within 4 months of reading and following the guidelines in this book. They have a healthy 2 year old boy now.
    Again, I don’t know your story, but perhaps this will help you, or one of your readers.
    Best of luck, and here is to a fulfilled life either way.

  • diamond rings

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    Is this your baby? She is so cute, and adorable. Also I like the purse too. Children always attract me, specially the little fairies . You are so lucky, that you are having the blessing of God with you. Love her..

  • JulieR

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,

    In answer to your rhetorical question, yes, you are so much more than just “infertile”, and you surely do have more to offer the world than children alone. You have an exceptional creativity and a lovely willingness to share.
    Your blog is the first thing that I check every morning because I can’t wait to see what incredible outfit you have put together that I would never have thought of or what totally cool DIY that you have made.
    So many women feel that being fashionable and fabulous is not something that is within their reach. Your thrifting tips and DIY project ideas are truly a gift.
    Obviously, this is not a a replacement for having children, but I just thought you should know.

    Hugs, Julie

  • Dusk

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    It is fitting that you are now well known because of your blog. You are one of the most amazing women I know of…

    Your honesty…. the straightforwardness with which you write… beautiful, just beautiful… inside and out…. one heaven of a woman.

  • Vanessa

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    I also had an idea of what my life should have been in the age I’m now. But everything came out different, because of anxieties.
    I’m not married. Neither in love. Nor I had a boyfriend.
    I’m happy most of the time. But being part of a wedding, following my parents becoming grandparents and stuff like that make me sad. I’m not telling them. Because I want to be tough. But It’s kinda killing me inside.

    What I want to say with sad, I understand your feelings. Your not alone. And your an archetype for me. Because your such a cool and beautiful person. Rock on! And thank you for beeing so honest.

  • Bromeliad

    March 13, 2011 | Reply

    it’s not what you wished for but …you’ve got to be the coolest aunt in the world.

  • Huda

    March 14, 2011 | Reply

    moving thoughts, thank you for sharing such a personal journey with us. I believe words are cheap when it comes to responding to incidents or reality that impact our lives, but I hope peace of mind and a happy journey for both you and hubby.

    I’m not married yet, but I do think about pregnancy and if I would have it easier time like my mom who married very young like many in her generation. I’m a firm believer certain things are fated like life, love and death. So, whether I will have children biologically or not, I plan to adopt regardless when I’m in a stable, happy and financially sound place in my life.

  • Latoya

    March 14, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan thank you for sharing this! It takes such courage and vulnerability. You truly are a beautiful woman in every way!

  • Anonymous

    March 14, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegan,

    Just let me start off by saying how much I enjoy your blog. I love all the personnal stuff, the DIY, the outfit of the day, etc.

    I just wanted to share a story with you. I had a professor in college, married and in her thirties like you who had been told after x years of trying that she wouldn’t be able to conceive. After the devastation, they decided to adopt a bundle of joy and one day, after a loooong process, they learned that they were going to adopt a beautiful little girl. Little did she know that on the same day she was going to learn that she was pregnant with twins…

    I guess my point is that sometimes it’s about letting go, letting go of the control and giving time to relax.

    That being said, I don’t even know how to do it myself so if you manage to do it, please blog lol

    Xo, Tam

  • gerbdesign

    March 14, 2011 | Reply

    I love how sweet and happy you choose to be. I have yet to get to the point in my life to start a family, but I think that we all have disappointments. (None of mine have been as big as this) Thank you for sharing your journey with me, a total stranger. 🙂 Keep your chin up! Somehow, things always work out.

  • Ari

    March 14, 2011 | Reply

    I have lurked a long time, loving the freshness and fun of your posts which serve as a destressor from a long workday. Every time I’ve read a post about your yearning and struggling with wanting children and attempting to have children, it wrenches my heart.

    Since I don’t know your situation, beyond what you’ve written about, I only wish you well and patience. My brothre and sister-in-law tried for seven years. Through miscarriages, another month of bleeding, disappointment and sadness. And now, she is seven months pregnant with a little boy. We all feel that this was the child she was meant to have, and that all the pain and hope served to prepare us all to love this little boy even more.

    Whichever path your life takes, I wish you, your husband, and your families with the best and brightest possible outcome.

  • GAPrincess

    March 15, 2011 | Reply

    I’m not there yet. I’m almost 45 so I should be at peace with NOT being a mommy, but I’m not. I see my reproductive endocrinologist for a HSG on Thursday. Then my 4th surgery for removal of uterine fibroids is imminent. After that, hopefully IVF.

  • Idongesit

    March 15, 2011 | Reply

    I love you Maegan Tintari. Your courage and attitude is soo encouraging.
    Bless you dear, dear blogger friend.

  • Mariane Martins Manso

    March 15, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegan! My name is Mary and I”m 24 years old. I can’t have children at all and I’m trying IVF to made an egg and try to get pregnant later in my life.
    But it hasn’t worked, i have already spent a lot of money and it is so painfull, so painfull i can’t explain.

    I’m really tired of toaking hormones and pretend that everything is ok.
    I’m telling this cause I admire your strenght and your choice. It’s over an year that i’m on this life and sometimes i think that it’s not the life i want.
    And why i don’t give up? Cause my mother had the same problem and she doesnt let me stop.

    If you want to talk about it, i’ll put my email address in the end.

    Anyway, love you blog, your photos, your dogs…. Congrets for your post.

    With love,
    Mari
    [email protected]

  • Driving Lessons in Hertford

    March 18, 2011 | Reply

    Your baby is super cute dear. Children always attract me alot.I just love the purse of your baby. Great sharing dear 🙂

  • Angela Dezen

    March 21, 2011 | Reply

    I love you. Thanks for the update–I think about you often. xxooxxoo-

  • Apt#34

    March 26, 2011 | Reply

    darling, reading this post on the intersection of my own do we or don’t we want to question as the mother nature clock starts to tick (I’m 31) my heart breaks and simultaneously fills with hope as I read your story. The conflict is deep and real and I can only barely appreciate what you’ve struggled with but I appreciate you sharing.

    And your neice is gorgeous!

  • Curves ahead makeup

    March 26, 2011 | Reply

    This post has touched my heart in so many ways , As I sat here reading tears filled my eyes for I know this feeling way to well … and sometimes we can’t have everything in life but we have to think … there’s something great that is waiting for us .

    there’s something extraordinary waiting for us this thought has got me threw the tough times …I hope it comforts you in any way
    And I thank you for this post for at times I feel alone . But I’m not and if you ever need any support you can count on me to understand you

    yours truly
    Curves

  • About Me

    March 26, 2011 | Reply

    I’m a newer reader and not very familiar with your story, but there is a wonderful book that really helped me. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t read it. It’s called Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It changed my world and is for women of all ages. xoxo

  • Erika's Mom

    April 11, 2011 | Reply

    You are brave and amazing. I just wanted to share something from my perspective. After years of infertility and the emotional rollercoaster you beautifully describe, we underwent IVF, and hit the jackpot with triplets. There was a certain satisfaction after years of unsuccessful infertility treatments…like *I* somehow made this happen (let’s face it, it was a huge ongoing investment of emotions, time and money to “make it happen”). After years of disappointment, I finally felt like it all paid off and I was in control of the situation after all.

    I love my kids with all my heart, but I have learned that *I* am not in control. Life is a series of curveballs. One of my daughters has Autism, and she has taught me so much about how life is not a serirs of goals set and met. Life happens. It’s not going to turn out as planned. You have to find the good in your own life, children or no children. As you said, find something you are passionate about. Just be sure that you are not burying yourself in one thing to escape another.

    I have seen a few comments encouraging you to try infertility treatments. It’s not for everybody, and I feel a social responsibility to warn people that the infertility industry is not doing its due diligence in advising infertile women regarding their genetics. A very good friend of mine has triplets who each have Fragile X. A woman who is a carrier of Fragile X typically experiences infertility. Yet, most infertility specialists do not test their patients for the Fragile X gene. In my opinion, they should be required to. So I just wanted to throw that into the equation…it’s not always a simple choice to undergo such treatments (not to mention, there is no guarantee of success either).

    I’ll sign off with a link to my blog:
    http://www.Erikasworld-momsblog.blogspot.com

    And my daughter’s website
    http://www.erikas-world.com

    Godspeed. Please keep writing.

  • Sara

    April 11, 2011 | Reply

    What a beautiful post. I could have written the same thing, but with no where near your eloquence. My husband and I are both infertile, and we have decided to remain childless. For all the reasons you stated. This is my first time reading your blog, but I feel as though I have finally found someone who gets what I’ve been through. I’ll be back for more. Thank you.

  • Anonymous

    April 12, 2011 | Reply

    Hi, not sure if Napro fertility is on offer outside of Europe, maybe there’s a comparable US alternative? A friend of mine had two rounds of IVF that failed before this far less invasive, cheaper alternative worked first cycle she was advised to TTC.
    It has higher success rates than IVF and may be a more viable option for some?

  • Anonymous

    April 12, 2011 | Reply

    I have this conversation with myself and other people all the time now, too.

    At 35 you’re still young and it could absolutely happen.

    And I completely get the ambivalence, the letting go, all of it.

    I’m 40, same story, except also find myself unexpectedly single again now too.

    This was most definitely not the plan.

    Thanks for this. It’s the only post I’ve read on the topic that’s exactly what I go through.

    Rebecca in Switzerland
    [email protected]

  • Anonymous

    June 26, 2011 | Reply

    You made me cry,You are a strong person and God bless you

  • Chessa!

    July 7, 2011 | Reply

    I’ve said it to you before but I will say it again and again…you inspire me so much. your honesty and sincerity…I wish more people were like you. we would be better off. xoxo

  • Anonymous

    August 6, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,
    I found you looking for ungaro jackets…I really love me some french tailoring. But I just cant stop thinking about you. I was dashing through the Galleria the other day and all I could think of was how many encouraging things I wanted to tell you. How pretty you are and to NEVER give up ON HAVING YOUR BABY. I am a good 4 years older than you, never had a boyfriend 7 years, but went to fashion design school at Parsons LA. Still havent met Mr Right, but I WILL. AND WE WILL HAVE CHILDREN. I want you to have your BABIES, too!!!!You showed pics of your beautiful grandmother who sang. My grandmother, Irish, led the singing in a church for 30 years. I definitely got the music /fashion genes, so obviously you are such a treasure to me! I wanted especially to tell you that a few years ago, i saw Martha Stewart’s daughter on Oprah, telling how desperate she was to have a child. She was spending $40,000.00 a month on fertility treatments which made her a lot miserable. I was just so moved. I thought THIS WOMAN MUST HAVE A BABY!! I just prayed and prayed for her when I thought of it, and recently-maybe 7 months ago, she had her baby!!I got to tell you, Maegan, I was really happy for her. I think your wishes section is more like prayers. I want to encourage you to reach out to God-after all, He is the Creator of the Universe, and he cares about every detail of your life… I really noticed how you only went 6 months sbefore meeting your husband!Wow how nice God was to you to bless you with your man. I still am praying He brings me the man he created in heaven together with me. I just want to share my thoughts with you, mainly that I will NEVER GIVE UP HOPE for my own husband and babies, and in the meanwhile, I totally am enjoying fashion similarly to you, only without the blog. Your outfits really are inspiring. I must make the t shirt dress!!!! I hope you can catch my Pastor Joel & Victoria Osteen at the Chicago ball stadium this weekend. It is a Night of Hope and I watched the preshow at 9 houston time, but la time it’s 7pm on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. They told us the ratings are #1 NYNY, #2, LA, and #3 Chicago, I think, for christian tv ratings. I just know I must get God’s help for such Big prayer requests! I hope you get a new beginning from my email, and I am just glad to know you are out there and I wish you all the best!Love, Shells NTexas

  • CD McLean

    February 26, 2012 | Reply

    I’m almost 50 and went through what you are going through with inferility and it does get better. It never goes completely away, but the pain and heartache soften. I changed jobs so that I would be around children more, to have them more in my life when we finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen and stopped all the medical procedures and decided not to adopt.

    We filled our lives up with raising guide dog puppies. Everyone does something different and adopting isn’t automatically the next step, so don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to do that! We didn’t and we are very content and happy with our life.

    I’m so glad I came across your blog. It’s delightful.

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