Downer Alert: I Thought This was It


infertility, pregnancy, motherhood, babies, milesAldridge-baby
I’ll never have a baby. And as soon as I stop thinking that way for even just a minute, I am reminded of it in the worst possible way. The hope/disappointment cycle reminds me of my relationship with my late father, which now that I think about it, has always been a part of my life. Why would I assume otherwise now? Humans tend to create the same exact patterns in their lives over and over again regardless of how much hurt they cause because they’re somehow comforted by them, right? Awesome. So I am human. Then why can’t I make another human?

My period was 4 days late this month. My period is never late. Early, yes, but the latest it’s ever been was later that day. It surprises me so much actually, how regular my 28 day cycle is and how that obviously has nothing to do with me getting pregnant.

Because of the lateness, I thought I was maybe, actually, possibly pregnant this month. Though every month for the past 5 years there has been a glimmer of hope, even as dumb as it may sound, it’s difficult to pretend the thoughts aren’t there. Every. Month. But this month, after the end of late day number two and not so much as a sign of it, my inner smile widened and I couldn’t help my mind from planning our near future with a baby no matter how many times I told myself not to.

Ideas about how I would tell our families on Christmas morning swirled in my head. How picture perfect! What an idiot. Planning out my New Year’s Day “I’m Pregnant” blog post to share with all of you. What an absolute idiot I am.

It’s an emotion you cannot get out of your head but one that truly makes you feel foolish when you realize it’s not a reality. I even said to the husband in passing “There’s no way I’m pregnant… it would be a Tebow Miracle if I was” and we giggled, trying to make light of it.

Over the years, I’ve learned to ignore the strangely spontaneous eye squinting reflex at the mere mention of a baby and act like I’ve got it all under control. And I do sometimes. Sometimes -many times really, it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. It’s more like a skin scrape that just bleeds annoyingly when brushed. But then this. This feeling of possibility comes and then gashes the small scrape into a wide open gaping wound, pouring out blood like tears from my eyes.

Until this sort of thing happens, I tend to keep it all in the background, on the back-burner, as my mom used to say. And just when I think that we’re in the clear, that we can live happily ever after without creating a family of our own beyond just the two of us, I am reminded that deep down, i still feel otherwise. And deep down I think the husband feels the same way.

When I finally had the proof that I wasn’t pregnant, I kept a straight face and went into the kitchen to tell the husband. His usual reaction is something like, “awe baby, I’m so sorry” and wraps his arms around me. But this time when I told him, his posture changed… he sort of slumped then looked disappointedly down at the floor and said “That sucks”. I don’t think until that very moment I realized how much he wanted it to be true too. And when he hugged me, I just broke down sobbing.

We’re both really good now at talking about all the disadvantages of child rearing because it’s our coping mechanism. It’s so much easier to just pretend like this is our choice when it’s not.

Of course anyone in this position has thought about all of their options. Adoption is still a possibility as is surrogacy, but what it is more than wanting a baby so badly that we’d take any one that passes by, is that my husband and I want to create something together, from love, that is bigger and greater than our simple love for each other, and that represents the two of us joining forces. And unfortunately we feel that the only way to get that is to make it and grow it inside of me.

Maybe it’s time for Clomid… ugh, did I really just say that?

* photo by Miles Aldridge

 

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, and home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life with her husband and adorable dogs, two Frenchies & an old Pug in wheels. Here you will find her talking about their journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation up to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life.

130 Comments

  • Redcliffe Style

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Oh Maegan, it’s a hard situation and I know you’ll have a lovely life either way but the heart wants what the heart wants. I hope that God blesses you with a little one soon because I think you’ll be a lovely mum.

    Thinking of you.

    Rachel xx

    http://www.redcliffestyle.com

  • YGirl

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Dearest Maegan,
    I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle. You and your husband are so full of love and generosity. A child would be blessed to have you two as parents. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    -Yael

  • Da Fashionista

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    no words, just a kiss.

  • Jordie

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    You’re definitely not an idiot. This hit very close to him, so I really feel for you :( I hope you get everything you want in life x

  • Nadine

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    My heart breaks for you and your hubby . . big hugs.

  • NNNN

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan, you made me cry..I hope you will be very very happy learning that you’re pregnant very soon. On the other hand, any way if you will have no chance to give a birth to a baby, you are very lucky person having a very lovely heart and finding the man of your life..My prayers are with you…Kisses

  • Neris / Fashion Fractions

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Oh Maegan, i rally don’t know what to say on this heart breaking post, except that I’m sending you lots of LOVE from the other side of the world

    xoxo,

    Neris

  • Alela Sirah

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan…I just want to thank you for you honesty. You are helping others that are going through the same thing I am sure. You will be blessed!! That I am sure of!!!
    http://fashionablyspeakn.blogspot.com/2011/12/quick-tips.html

  • Erika Eagles

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, you brought tears to my eyes. This is the first time I’ve written anything on your blog but I feel compelled to share my story with you.

    I’ve been there as well. I started taking Clomid and now have my second baby on the way. It did take a long time to get pregnant though. And now we have a wonderful family of nearly 5 as we had adopted a baby girl.
    My husband and I had been trying for years to get pregnant. Sometimes I would be a little late and get my hopes up and a couple of times I actually was pregnant but had miscarriages and before that when I was very, very young, I had an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died from internal bleeding. After surgery I was told there was very slim chance of me ever becoming pregnant.
    What I’m trying to say, there is a chance. If not, don’t cancel out adoption our little girl is such a gift.

    All my love to you and your husband and I wish you a miracle.

  • thankfifi

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Lots of love to you.x

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Lovely girl, there are no real words for this pain, only that we feel it with you and wish you love and strength. Maybe that miracle CAN happen one day soon. =)

  • Lisa Petrarca

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I’ve been following you for years now and I’ve read your posts over that time regarding your longing for a child. My heart hurts for you as I read this. I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but please know you’re in my Prayers! I sincerely mean that and I’ll continue to Pray that God blesses you with a Miracle and in the meantime, heals your hurting heart. Hang in there Maegan…Prayer is Powerful.

  • Deborah

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    smooches smooches

    And I’m sending all the love I can to you and your adorable hubs.

  • Special K

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I don’t think that if you adopt a child you can’t think of it as “a product” of your love for each other. Ok, the genetics are not yours…but the education will be, the environment will be…and I think those are more important, more defitory for the child’s personality.

  • Eye See Pretty

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    So sorry….it’s really tough to go through this. Hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years now and started going to a fertility clinic in August. My first cycle there, I was convinced I was pregnant and was absolutely heartbroken when I wasn’t. There are so many things that you can do to assist in getting pregnant cycle monitoring, drugs, IUI…it also makes me feel like I’m not the only woman in the world who can’t have a baby, especially when it seems like everyone else gets pregnant at the snap of their fingers.

    Good luck and happy to answer any questions you may have about treatments.

    Amy

  • Emma

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Dear, I sincerely wish you that in this New Year all your dreams have been fulfilled. I’ll believe it! Happy Holidays !

    http://www.svesty.com

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    This post gave me that heavy feeling in your chest that makes you feel like your heart is breaking. There are no words, but just keep your heart open to hope. Things work themselves out when we keep ourselves open to them. To you and your womb I send all the positive energy I can send.

  • Mirjana

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I do not know enough English to explain all of what I feel, I am from Serbia, but just me thrilled and surprised by this post. Maegan love you a lot though but I do not know that I watch and read every day. I am sending you the greatest support. You are wonderful.
    My name is Mima.

  • Natalie Mulford

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I know that nothing I say can change anything, but I wish it could. Just know, that I, along with so many other people, wish you well. Don’t give up hope. I know somewhat, what you’re going through, and it’s heartbreaking, but I think the thing to hold onto is the hope.
    *sending you love and hugs*

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    It’s not good to say I will never have a baby, so don’t repeat these words. I don’t know if you are into astrology but I would like to make your birth chart and I need your time of birth to be exact. Don’t give up hope! Love, Camelia

  • Daria

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I am praying for your miracle.

    xo,
    Daria

  • Alicia

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    So sorry- don’t give up!!!

  • MerciBlahBlah

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing to say really other than that. Thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    Shannan

  • Jeanie

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I guess I just don’t get why people have to have their own blood. You love your husband and he shares no genes with you. You might even love your husband more than most people who do share gene with you. Why can’t the both of you love another human being who does not share the same genes? I’m considering adopting in the future even though as far as I know I can get pregnant.

    It’s disappointing our society is not more open to adopting. You can say “it’s just not for me.” But, I can’t help feeling a little upset. There are so many children who have difficult lives and would love to have parents. You seem like a good person and I don’t want to be non-supportive. But, it’s just so disappointing that you rather feel so much pain instead of opening you heart.

    Best of luck.

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,

    I love your blog, you are so sincere today (sorry for my English) I’m French, but I want to tell you to keep confidence, don’t be sad, please, You could have chance soon, try the treatment, you’re young, everything is possible. Hug Dear Maegan, Be happy, for you and family, and then life will do something good for you, I really hope!

    Béatrice from France

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Why are you hesitant about Clomid? I”d take it in a heartbeat. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you peace.

  • The Curvy Girl

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I wished we lived closer so we could have lunch and talk; I am going through the same thing you are. Month after month, the disappointment hurts more and more. I have an appt next month to get checked out…and talk about Clomid as well if it is an option. Wishing you and hubby well…you are in my thoughts.

  • Lovely Mutt

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    My mom was told she would never have kids…yet, out popped my brother and then me :)
    i’m sending lots of love and prayers your way!

  • Ticka

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    My prayers go out to you and hubby. I know you’ve heard ever bit of advice there is to give, so I won’t go there. Just know that you are not alone. **hugs** and **baby dust**

    http://ticka-spoonfullofsugar.blogspot.com/

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I met an older man the other day who had fostered 20 kids in his lifetime and actually adopted 4 of them. He had so much love and for his kids and his wife, and they’d been married over 50 years. You never know what the future holds. I really believe that you and your husband will be parents someday, just maybe not the way you originally thought. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I appreciate your honesty.

  • Jennifer

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I so know where you are at. That was my life for many years. It seemed like all my friends were able to get pregnant thinking about it and it was near impossible for us. I even had a gf get pregnant and ask me to drive her to get it taken care of, as it was an oopps. to say it was bad timing is an understatement. but I ended up taking Clomid for a few months and then just said we’re done. I couldn’t take it anymore. in that time we somehow managed to get pregnant after years of trying. We have a gorgeous daughter that is our world. big hugs to you. xo

  • Julia Wright

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I can’t imagine how bad your heart hurts. Please keep your chin up and perhaps next month your period will be late by nine months and all your readers can say I told you so while gushing over a beautiful baby wearing the hippest clothes. Never give up hope, you’re definitely not an idiot for having hope.

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegen-

    I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now, and you are an amazing woman, with a ton of talents. The talent that amazes me most, is that you ‘actively’ love.

    I’m a 43 year old woman who was adopted. I don’t know my birth parents and I’ve never tried looking for them. My “adoptive” parents, are my parents.

    I will drop you an e-mail. If you want to talk with me, regarding the other side of the adoption process, feel free to reply. And if not, that’s okay too.

    There’s a lot of us out here rooting for you, for the family you already have and for your future family!

    Best wishes!
    ~Sara

  • Carsedra

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Praying for you and your husband! I was told at one point I probably never would, but miracles DO happen!!! XOXOXO!!

    Carsedra of:

    http://embracingtherealme.blogspot.com/

    http://sweets4yourtooth.blogspot.com/

  • Alexis

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m truly sorry Maegan. Disappointment after hope is one of the hardest emotions to swallow. It seems so unfair, and really, it IS unfair. I’ve been following your blog for a while now, and you’re such a strong person and have been for possibly your entire life. I know so many people love you, look up to you, care about you, respect you, and want what’s best for you. Hope can be terrible and it can be great, but keep hope with you, even if it hurts. Who knows what will happen in the future, but keep your head up.

  • Daniela

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    This post hurts my heart and made me tear up. I am so sorry that this has been something you even have had to deal with. I think you should try the medication, or anything you can get your hands on. It’s your dream and the fight is work it!! Either way I really do feel that this will happen for you.

  • Shanika Pichey

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. A lot of women think “oh, when I want to get pregnant, I will.” when in reality that is not the case for some. Also when you do get pregnant, you have to worry about other situations such as miscarriages. I sufffered one a few months ago and although I am pregnant again I am still stressed each time I do to the doctor expecting not to hear a heartbeat. Although our situations are different I can empathize with you. I truly hope that everything works out in your favor. And yes you could adopt but I agree with you, there is nothing like having your own. Best wishes.

  • Erica

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, this post brought such a sadness to my heart bc I am walking in the same situation that you are. My heart ACHES every single month, praying that THIS time will be it. My husband puts on the strong face while I melt in disappointment. It is such a hard situation, but we remind ourselves all the time that God knows our desire to be parents & have children & we have to trust that He will make it happen when the time is right. I will pray for you & your husband, so that even miles away you & I will share peace :)

    http://www.theprettyfactor.blogspot.com

  • Mrs. Williams

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I could have wrote this, nearly word for word, on Sunday. I feel you :(

  • Justine

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Sending you love and prayers today.

  • Lex

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    How do you think you will you feel about not trying fertility treatments ten years from now?

    How do you think you will feel about trying them ten years from now?

    Overly simplistic but there’s that saying, I can’t even remember by who, that they regretted the things they didn’t do more. It’s something I use sometimes to try and make me take that little extra step when I’m not feeling brave. I think you’re already so brave to wear your heart on your sleeve. Good luck to you and your hubby.

  • Kristina Loveland

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m praying for you.

  • Bromeliad

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Sorry. Virtual hug.

  • P.S. I love this...

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    So sorry… sending prayers to your and your husband.

  • CessOviedo

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Hi sweetie! Wish I could find the words enough to make you feel better or give you some bright light about this, I don’t know much about this since I’m just 23 and not married yet, but having a baby is the thing that I want the most in life, I go to baby stores and I don’t even have plans to get married yet but I can relate to that desire of yours, all I can do is send you my best wishes and desires and hope for you the very best!

    Cess O. <3 The Outfit Diaries

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I can’t tell you how much I relate. I am starting the 7th round of the dreaded Clomid, which really does make one fat and emotional!!! You’re not alone, girl. My heart goes out to you.

  • Wendy

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I just had to say something on this one. :) I am adopted, and for many, many years I felt like I was missing something in my life by not knowing my birth parents. I decided to let it go, and focus on the parents I do have, rather than the parents I don’t have.

    But then, at the age of 42, I kind of miraculously found my birth mother. It was a wonderful reunion, no doubt about it. But as time progressed, I realized more than anything else how much I appreciate the parents that raised me.

    I cherish them more than ever now, and I am more like them than I am my birth parents. I haven’t even had the desire to contact my birth father, even though I now know who and where he is.

    My main point is to encourage you to reconsider your definition of what creates a child. My birth parents put me on this earth, yes. But my PARENTS are the ones who gave me a life worth living.

    No amount of DNA can make up for the love they have poured into me and my brother for our entire lives. And it is quite clear you would be a most *amazing*, kick-ass mom. :)

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Go for it. It’s worth it. I was one of those people who said I’d *never* do fertility treatments of any kind. After two years of trying with zero success, I changed my mind. It was the best decision I ever made.

    Clomid didn’t work for us (although I didn’t think the side effects were that bad), and we ended up doing IVF — which worked. I’m grateful every day for what science and medicine were able to do for us, but it’s kind of a “subliminal” gratitude because to be honest I rarely think about how our son was conceived.

    And I was one of those “urban legend” women who needed IVF to get pregnant and then conceived naturally. Our “oops” baby was born 14 months after the first. :p

    Hugs to you and best of luck, whatever your path.

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I have been following your blog for a few years, and I know you would be a wonderful mother, please keep heart, don’t give up, I know this is a difficult journey and unfair but you will have your baby, it is just taking longer than you expected. Best of luck to you guys!

  • beesnaps

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,

    Sending you the warmest of hugs. You are in my thoughts.

    jessie.

  • Jeannie

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m a new reader, and I just wanted to say stay strong and *hugs*.

  • Wana

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I won’t give you the “I’m sorry” response because as a person who had that glimmer of hope each month for a while and it falls through I know it doesn’t lift your spirits. So I will say definitely give the Clomid a try. I’m keeping you and your family in my prayers especially you and your husband. Men don’t voice what they want often but it’s those small changes like the one you notice in his posture that tells us how they really feel deep down. Life and situations suck royally sometimes but your time is coming.

  • Niki

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    This made me cry…. because I truly know how you feel. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I took Clomid twice and I have two beautiful little girls. Go ahead, bite the bullett, it will be so worth it!! You will be in my prayers!

  • Morgan

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    Ill be praying for a little miracle to come your way, and peace of mind until someone little comes into your life. My heart broke reading your post. Thank you for sharing and reaching others who are going through the same thing.

    Lots of prayers & hugs,
    Morgan

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Clomid isn’t so bad. I was on it for one cycle and got pregnant. My periods were always so irregular that finding my ovulation time was almost impossible. I decided on clomid because it really is the first step drug for infertility. Can empathize with you and wish you good luck in whatever method you decide to have children with. I was adopted and consider myself the luckiest woman in the world for being so :)

  • the Blah Blah Blahger

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    As weird as it sounds, all but one of my friends (who have started families in their 30s) has needed intervention to get pregnant. Some just needed a little Clomid, others did IUI or IVF, still others did acupuncture. As a single 35 year old, I’ve started to get healthy, lay off the diet coke and processed foods, etc, in order to help my chances when Mr. Right finally does come along. My mom is shocked by this statistic amongst my friends (seriously, there’s like 8-10 of them), but I think it must have something to do with all the frozen fish sticks we ate as kids. ; )

    Ultimately, it’s nice to know their are options…and while I don’t know your pain, I understand that you’re hurting and am sorry…

  • Melissa A Manley

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I admire your courage and strength to share your life and especially these very intimate moments on your blog. You are truly an amazing woman. I come here everyday and I always know that I will get your 100% best and love everything. You are an inspiration and I cannot tell you how much I adore your blog. I wish you and your husband the very best. You two seem like truly amazing people and any child you raise would be lucky to call you mom & dad. I wish you all the luck and love you need to fulfill your wish of being a mother to your husbands child!!

  • Y. Garza

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I am not starting this post by saying I am sorry. It was something that always bothered me. In fact, it hurt because I always felt like my friends that had kids just looked down on me. But that was me…I didn’t have an issue getting pregnant. I had an issue keeping baby to full term. In fact after 5 miscarriages and one very disturbing one in which I almost lost my marbles in the hospital, I thought I could never have my baby. Out of the blue, a miracle happened. You will have your miracle. I have heard of so many stories similar to yours and mine and you have no idea how inspiring it is. Just wait…you will make a beautiful mom, no matter how you get there.

    Yanira
    http://manolosmanicuresthismom.blogspot.com/

  • {andthisiswhatshesaid}

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    My heart breaks for you. I know you would be a good mother, you’re so passionate about it. I admire your courage of trekking through this. I am not close to trying for a child, but I have wanted one so badly my entire life that even know I have those “what if I can’t have one moments”… I seriously let it overwhelm me sometimes and then I have to remind myself, I am not even trying. Though, I don’t know what your feeling… I understand slightly how you must feel… You are such an inspiration to people like myself. I pray for you and your husband ever day…. xoxo

  • teachergirlblogs.com

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Praying for you and your husband right now. I am so very sorry.
    *hugs*

  • Nancy

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, I do not know what to say.I feel so sad for both you and your husband.

    Nancy

  • Ashley @ Spite of Flight

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’ve been going through fertility treatments (with drugs) since August, and while it’s not exactly a picnic, it’s really not that bad. There are a lot of natural cycle fertility options available — I know you’ve mentioned before you’d want to avoid fertility drugs if possible. I really do think meeting with the fertility specialist was the best decision we’ve made so far during this process — it can’t hurt!

  • Bri

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m sorry you’re on such an emotional roller coaster. Although I don’t know what you are going through, my dear friend and sister are struggling with this as well. Keep your head up pretty girl.

  • Erika

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    My dearest Maegan,
    even tough hope will never disappear, I want you to read this little quote that I stumbled upon:
    “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.”
    Easier said than done right? dosen’t matter, you look like one of the ones that can actually make this impossible feeling possible =). XoXo

  • jenn~the stylish housewife

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    so sorry sweetie. it took us two years to get pregnant and i remember the stress/sadness each month. i tried clomid for two months and then did an IUI…i had to drive my husbands sample tucked in between my boobs (to keep it warm) and take it to my OBGYN. which is where i sat waiting for over an hour…crying…because i was surrounded by women 9mo pregnant and all i could think was that my husbands sperm were dying every minute. i was at the dr that EVERYONE in town LOVES and waits HOURS to see. i had a complete meltdown and the IUI did not work. i changed dr’s the next month and finally got pregnant. i don’t even know why i shared all of that but i just want you to know that my heart breaks for you. i HATED when people told me it would happen when we least expected it and when we weren’t “trying”. i am thinking of you girl.

    xoxo, jenn
    the stylish housewife

  • Elva

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I want to thank you for this post. My husband and I are going through a very similar situation with wanting a baby so bad but it’s just not happening. And yet everyone around me seems to be pregnant. It makes me so alone sometimes and reading your blog today reminded me that I’m not; I have an amazing husband who loves me and is always there for me. As well there are wonderful people like you who are brave enough to share your story with the world and by it help people like me feel less alone and that there is someone out there who understands. Thank you so much. I know its rough, but Thank you.

  • Sarah Jean

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Hey sweetheart, same thing happened to me. Thought I was, period was late, then boom, it came. And even though David and I aren’t married yet and in no way stable enough to have a kid, I was still upset.

    I know it seems like it’ll never happen, and in all honesty, maybe it won’t, but don’t forget there are other options.

    Keep your chin up, doll. You’re amazing.

  • Helena

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I know it will not make you feel better, but I’m going through the same situation…Except, a few weeks ago I found out my husband doesn’t really want a baby…He thought he did, we’ve been trying for at least 3 years, but now…He’s ‘just not sure’ anymore…I’m just so lost and sad…See Maegan, there is somehtign happy about your story:
    you do have a great husband that wants to follow a common path with you, whatever that path takes you. I mean that the best way possible. I’m sending you the best all the way from Brazil.

  • Mawiyah

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I am reading this in the library and my eyes are watering. I feel for you. You mentioned a Tebow miracle and as crazy as it sounds, miracles happen every single day. But it takes courage to believe in them, even when it looks crazy to believe and yes faith to see them materialize. God so wants to make miracles in your life, hon.

    You make miracles in the lives of so many readers, everyday – please know that you are a blessing and just as you have blessed so many, God has a desire to bless you too – He already has!!! You are a walking, talking blessing!

    When you get your Tebow miracle, please remember to give him the glory :)

    Much love

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Just wanted to say that I’m totally with the people who think you should “go for it” — fertility treatments, adoptions, whatever. You guys WANT this, so pursue it.

    BUT you and your husband are so smart to step back and savor the good parts of life without kids. Kids are amazing and I wouldn’t change mine for anything, but there are definitely pluses to child-free life and it’s great that you’re appreciating them now since that’s the season you’re in.

    I believe that you WILL have children, and I’m glad that once you do you’ll be able to look back say, “I appreciated all the good parts of my life when it was just me and my husband, too.”

  • stacy

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    yes! yes! yes! maegan do it! i know you’ve always been hesitant to go down that road but if you were suffering from a blocked artery would you not have a stint put in? sometimes we all need help and lucky for us there are the wonders of modern day medicine. with love, stac xo

  • Pamela

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    maegan – I’m so sorry about your situation. I can’t imagine how you must feel and I wont pretend to. All I can say is that I’m thinking of you and I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for the both of you because you deserve it.

  • Marquita C.

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Hi Maegan. I’m a recent subscriber of your blog. After reading this post, I immediately thought about how your story is similar to that of my cousin who had infertility problems (She is now the mother of 3 beautiful children). She recently wrote a book called “The Quest for the Nest: Coping with Infertility”. It’s available on Amazon. Maybe it may help in some way. I wish you all the best! Be encouraged!

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    same exact thing happened to me this month and I thought maybe just maybe I’ll get the one present I want more than anything this Christmas, and alas Aunt Flo just decided to take her sweet time. Hubby and I have been trying for almost two years now. We know it is a male factor issue and just aren’t ready to take the path of artificial reproductive technology yet. I know that having faith in God means having faith in his timing, but that is really hard when everyone you know is being blessed with the one thing you want most in this world! Here’s hoping 2013 is our year!

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I am child free(not childless) its our choice; and though i understand your pain please remember you can live happily ever with just the two of you – You are family. stop stressing and Start enjoying yourselves and who knows what miracles can happen.

  • Peetzi Jen

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I’m pretty sure my heart. just. broke.

  • Holly

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    i want to give you a hug. im so sorry.

  • Jola

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,

    I don’t know what to say.
    Take all my love.
    God bless you.
    Best wishes from Germany.

    Jola

  • imafishey

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I know that pain all too well! Don’t give up hope and most definitely give Clomid a try.
    *Big Giant Hug*

  • cacao

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Megan, I will keep it simple.

    GO FOR IT.

    Try everything and whatever. Artificial insemination? Go.
    Clomid? Go.

    Imagine you were borned in a period of time that you couldn’t have all this “chances” (medical, artificial, whatever).

    You will be fuck (sorry). But why not? Why not giving a chance? I will do it. Whatever it takes.

    You are strong and brave, just grab those eggs (or boobs) and go for it.

    Kisses from Barcelona,

    Carla

    P.S. Sorry for my bad language/grammmar/vocabulary. It’s all said with love and respect :)

  • Forever Favelle

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    I have secondary infertility. I never thought I would have any problems getting pregnant again when I met my husband but after 11 years of trying and failing we have now admitted defeat. We have tried everything including IVF, natural therapies, diet change, Chinese medicine, you name it! At least we can look back knowing we gave it our all it is so hard to decide to stop trying though. If you have options available then go for it. I got pregnant 3 times and excitedly told family and friends but didn’t get past 7 weeks. Sometimes there is just no explanation for how our bodies work. I really feel for you and there are so many women out there who know what you’re going through. Sending you lots of love x

  • Anonymous

    December 20, 2011 | Reply

    Don’t be hard on yourself for having hope.

    Or at least that’s what I want to hear every time I’m late and I can’t help but daydream. Like today I’m a day late and falling in to the same thing. Three years later I would say the odds are not in my favor.

    And I am not as brave, as you can see by my anonymous tag.

    I appreciate your story. Having hope is something to be proud of. <3

  • Samson and Dalilah

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Even though the last thing you’re feeling is positive, the both of ya’ll need to stay positive. I know it’s a hard thing to have to go through but with love and patience it can happen to you too. If you’re able to try different options then go for it! You do what you need to do to make your dreams come true. Thank you for sharing your hurt I hope this outlet helps and heals you.

  • ZombieLace

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Oh Maegan! Hope is NOT idiotic!!! I am so sorry that you guys are going through this, it must be soo hard. But I think it sounds like you both are beyond the denial of saying you are fine without a baby, and are ready to admit you will go to the next step to make it happen. Is fertility treatment an option for yall? You are in my thoughts :(

  • Anonymous

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Aw we all love you Maegan <3 Our prayers are with you!

  • Missy

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I found your blog FOREVER ago and heart you and it bigtime. I am a total stalker and read it everyday. I feel terrible for you that this is something you have to go through. Struggling with conception is AWFUL. We had issues conceiving our second baby. My husband came back from Afghanistan and it took what felt like a million years to finally get pregnant. And while adoption is a beautiful, wonderful, and necessary option for some, I completely understand your desire for a baby of your “own.”
    All you can do is follow your heart….whether it leads to fertility treatments or adoption or life as a two-some. Stuff really does have a way of working itself out in the end.
    At any rate, I just wanted to know that you’re in my thoughts and that even if you’re hope is shaken, I am hopeful for you because you’re awesome.
    Love to you and the husband,
    Missy
    Richmond, VA

  • Anonymous

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    This is a very hard situation and having been through it I’ll offer a slightly different perspective. I am expecting a baby in January and during the course of being pregnant I had a seizure and discovered I have a medical condition. Although it looks like everything will turn out ok it has caused a lot of stress and upset my husband a lot. You just don’t know what a pregnancy is going to throw at you. I will not begin to repeat some of the horror stories women have thrown at me when they see my belly. I don’t think any of this will make you stop wanting a baby but it is a slightly different angle to consider.

  • Denise

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    I love your honesty. And I know that awful Day One pain, and the “tease” cycles that made way for that inner smile. You captured this experience perfectly. Anyway, I am now the mother of a 6 month old baby girl. Conceived on a Clomid cycle. Took a few tries but finally it happened, just when I never thought it would. It wasn’t too terrible. But I know how you feel, and I understand any reluctance you might have, because dammit, this happens so easily for most people.

  • Love + Marriage

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Sometimes I think we are living parallel lives. I’ve been struggling with the same thing and was late this month too. I was in Hallmark buying ornaments for my nephews and I saw a baby buggy ornament and just started crying. Out of hope that I could possibly hang it on my tree but more from knowing deep inside that I want it so badly it couldn’t be true. And of course, my period came last night and I’m most certainly not pregnant.

  • The Shop Therapist

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    While I’m no where near ready for babies, my heart and prayers go out to you and your husband. I don’t know the heartache of not being able to get pregnant, I’ve been going through a deeply personal and emotional thing for the past few years. My family has tried to tell me that “maybe it just isn’t meant to be.” I know the second I start to believe them, I’ve lost. So, my (unsolicited) advice to you and your husband is to think positive! If it is what you want with all of your heart an soul, then it can happen. With love, anything is possible ;)

  • Pointy Pix

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan, as someone who has never felt maternal or been able to understand that overwhelming desire to produce more human beings, my heart nevertheless goes out to you as your pain is expressed so very clearly in your post. I genuinely believe that sometimes people like me who don’t want, and people like you who have difficulty in conceiving, is natures way of trying to control numbers. Please don’t think I’m being harsh for I don’t mean to be but there are so many children out there who would love to be raised by someone as clearly loving as you and your husband. You have the perfect starting point for a family-a loving relationship – and I truly believe giving a loving home to a child already in existence would be a far greater act of love by you both than bringing another human into an already very overcrowded world. xx

  • Sophie

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    :(

  • carashimizu

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    I really teared up reading this. I do want to share, however, that I’m a pharmacist, and maybe Clomid ~is~ your answer. . .something to consider. It has worked for thousands. . .take care!

  • Miss Andreea

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Listen, Maegan, I have been reading your blog for about a year. I have never posted a comment, but I guess this would be the best time to tell you how much you inspire me and how much I admire you. I understand how you feel and I pray for you every night. My advice is to do anything in order to have a baby..Listen to me, miracles DO happen. One day, I bet you’ll have a beautiful baby girl that will amaze us with her creativity and her outfits just like her mother does. All of us, all of the people who read your blog are supporting you. All you need to do is to make this step. Struggle. Take Clomid. And pray. A miracle might be waiting for you to make this step. Take care Maegan…We really want you to be happy…

  • Food, she thought.

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Maegan,
    As my truly fertile years began to draw to a close, I realized I had never been fertile to begin with. I am telling you this to reinforce what you already know, that you are not alone. I am so SO sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t think there is any heartbreak more devastating, a tiny bit at a time. Men…meh, they come and go until you find the right one. Best friends and our needs for friendship change as we progress down our path in life. But the unfulfilled desire for a child is much different, I have found. I hope you & your wonderful hubby find a way, whatever is the right way for you. I’ll be reading & waiting.

  • Samantha

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    Thinking about you today. All I will say is that I understand what you are going through. Sending good vibes to you and your husband.

  • Nenn

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    I’m with you and your husband.
    When I read your post I had tears in my eyes. Thinking about all the stupid teenagers becoming pregnant by accident – and all the lovely couples who want to become mum and dad, makes me angry. You deserve it!

    Thanks for sharing your feelings with us! Lots of Love to you!

  • Kyla

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    I know this cycle all too well and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I admire your courage to share this with so many. Here’s to more hope in 2012.

  • seekingstyleblog

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    It’s a harsh world when someone who wants a child so bad cannot conceive and then idiots who want nothing to do with kids pop them out like no one’s business. I am very sorry to hear what you’re going through…

    http://seekingstyleblog.wordpress.com

  • Genevieve

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    If you have a heart arrhythmia you take lidocaine.
    If you have high blood pressure you take Norvasc.
    If you have high cholesterol you take Lipitor.
    If you are depressed you take Prozac.
    And if you can’t ovulate you take Clomid.

    Simple as that Maegan.

    You obviously want a baby of your own (God, am I sick of everyone on here preaching about adoption to you) so just take the drug. It’s a long way from Clomid to IVF. You don’t have to go all the way down the path, just take a baby step. (That was not an intended pun.)

  • Sara

    December 21, 2011 | Reply

    I’m sure you’ve heard this many times before, but take the clomid leap. I did, and I never looked back. I’ve been reading your blog for years and this is my first comment.

    I swore I would never turn to clomid, we would just keep trying until we got it. Then one day, we got it, and it was amazing and everything I thought it would be until, at 12 weeks, I was told it wasn’t viable and lost it. I was devastated. It was the worst day of our lives. I was told that I didn’t ovulate most cycles (but still go the period, awesome) and that some cycles I might ovulate, but didn’t get a “good egg” so if we were lucky, like we were, we would likely lose it every time. I was told that clomid was the answer. We took time to think about it and finally my doctor said to me, “Do you want a baby?” I said “Yes.” (with tears flooding my eyes) and she said, “Then let’s do this.” I’m crying just typing this. I’m SO glad I listened to her because I now have an amazing little five-month-old who is the absolute light of my life. I will take clomid again in a minute to make him a sibling, I won’t bat an eye about taking fertility drugs like I once did.

    I truly hope my story helps you while you ponder this. (((HUGS))) to you and your husband. The day you realize it’s just as hard on him is a gut wrenching day.

  • Aline

    December 22, 2011 | Reply

    too many people that are close to me have experienced similar situations over the past few years. my heard is with you and i say, go chemical.. try clomid. you won’t know until you do.

  • Tracey

    December 22, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for such a beautiful post. I came here for the hair style and left with such a touching and raw emotion. Often times those of us that have struggled with IF push it to the backburner, say its our choice to live child free but yes thank you it is like a scratch that never heals. The hope and the dump of dreams falling to the floor, the years of just adopt and relax advice slamming between your ears. Its sucha personal decision to go for the intervention. I can only speak from my own experiences and never would advise anyone to go for something just because it worked for so and so. Clomid is relatively cheap in the cost factor and invasiveness of the IF scale, but it can come with a physical price of increase cervical cancer risk that you have to weigh. Meagan, my heart goes out to you and to all those like us that sit in limbo month after month when every twinge pain and well, gas, can be a sign of the divine intervention we hope for. After 3 rounds of clomid, 4 IUIs 5 IVFs, 3 FETs and a failed adoption, that surrogate carrot that dangles before us can be tough. Hugs from one woman to another that truly understand the roller coaster ride

  • Abby

    December 22, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing this Maegan, it has made me think about things in a way that I never have before and I truly appreciate it. I just know that the reason you can’t have a baby now is because of some greater purpose that is more wonderful and miraculous that you can’t even fathom yet…more will be revealed :)

  • Anonymous

    December 22, 2011 | Reply

    For those that wish to “shame” someone else for the very personal decision on not or to adopt, might I just say this. Go adopt all the children YOU want. No one is stopping you from doing so. You should NEVER attempt to guilt, pressure or shame anyone else into adopting just because YOU feel that is the solution to infertility.
    Shame on YOU, not Meagan. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting your own child and not adopting.

  • drollgirl

    December 22, 2011 | Reply

    oh girl. this hurts so much. i wish i had something great to say (write) here.

    i am struggling at what to write here. i don’t want to make this about me — this is about you. and my heart goes out to you. things may change for you someday in this particular area — perhaps the natural way, perhaps another way. they just may. so hang in there.

  • seema

    December 25, 2011 | Reply

    Its pretty cool very beautiful information your site. Connect you with all others.
    My website is http://fashioningirls.com/ its be fashion about.

  • Anonymous

    December 26, 2011 | Reply

    I have read your blog for so long, long before I myself struggled with infertility. My heart breaks for you because in your posts I see myself and my own feelings…my own struggles. As for beginning fertility treatments there is no right or wrong. You have to decide what works for you and your husband. I have done many without success, it’s not an easy road. I know from your past posts that you realize this. For me, it’s what gives me hope. It’s a chance for my dreams to come true. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you. Keep writing this amazing stuff and realize that your readers appreciate your truth and honesty.

  • euge

    December 27, 2011 | Reply

    No se escribir en inglés. Me conmueve tu dolor. Creo que sería bueno que no se resistan a la ayuda, al menos a las que no son tan invasivas, como los medicamentos. Más allá que la adopción es una idea genial (cualquiera, sin planear o desear puede ser madre, pero solo mujeres realmente valientes pueden adoptar, ese gran acto de amor), tienes todo el derecho de recibir ayuda para intentar ser madre biológica, antes que los años sigan pasando. Amor desde Argentina. Estas en mis oraciones.

  • oh, jenny mae

    December 28, 2011 | Reply

    love & light to you & pep. thinking of you both & wishing for the best for you wonderful dear hearts.

  • Kendra

    December 28, 2011 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your life. You are not the only one going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you….

  • Anonymous

    December 29, 2011 | Reply

    I feel your pain..I’ve been where you are Meagan. Mother nature can be so cruel. Check out my RE’s blog (http://www.100infertilityquestions.blogspot.com/) . Dr G advocates for and has had success with natural cycle IVF.

  • Summer Athena

    January 2, 2012 | Reply

    just saying hi and sending you a hug. i know all of this all too well.

  • Shannon

    January 5, 2012 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your heart ache. And as you know you’re not alone. Allow yourself to grieve & process it all, regardless of what others may feel you ‘should’ do. I too have been there. I too had to have an emergency hysterectomy just 2 months ago. And while my DH and I know our future plans are just going to look different; healing the loss still has to happen for us. Yes we may adopt some day, however that does not take the sting away from feeling like the choice is taken away from you.

  • Gwen

    January 5, 2012 | Reply

    I know I am way behind here but when I was catching up on my Reader this post made me cry for you. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you but I want you to know that I am praying for you. Not sure what your beliefs are but I figure having extra positive vibes being sent your way couldn’t hurt right. ;) I truly wish I could reach out and give you a big hug guess the internet type will just have to do. {{HUG}}

  • Jennifer (fabfatale.com & thelooksforless.com)

    January 13, 2012 | Reply

    hey maegan, i’ve been reading your blog since before i started trying to get pregnant. now 3 years of trying later, i can totally relate. i recently read some of your past posts to see if you ever wrote about why you couldn’t get pregnant or why you weren’t going through with insemination or IVF. the only thing i found is that you once mentioned fear of the hormones. i, like you, have anxiety. in fact, when i made the decision to go for IVF after 4 failed inseminations, i had to start going to a counselor because i was SO AFRAID OF THE DRUGS!!! i hate any medication including tylenol. i started taking the medication and felt nothing. i already went through with all the shots, the surgery (which scared the shit out of me – again more counseling), and had one failed transfer. i cried like ive never cried before. the specialist’s office was shut down for most of december, so we are finally giving it another go next week. i have the month of shots and the surgery behind me, so now i just have to go in and get defrosted embryos put in until it finally works lol. my point is that i can’t get pregnant+ i have mega anxiety, but the drugs didn’t affect me at all. if that is your fear, it really isn’t as bad as i though it would be. the shots in my stomach were with a very thin needed in my belly fat, so they didn’t hurt at all :) before the transfer i have to wear hormone patches for a month and they dont effect me at all either. no highs, no lows, just me :) i hope you’ll keep us updated on your journey :) this is the first time ive ever put my business out there and it feels kinda good lol.

  • Anonymous

    February 8, 2012 | Reply

    Coming in late to the party here, but I am DEFINITELY not going to tell you some story about how someone stopped trying, or relaxed, or had some wine or adopted and then suddenly got pregnant. Or whine about how I have one child and want another and am having trouble. But I will tell you that I totally understand how you want to smack the living shit out of some bitch who, when you comment on how adorable her child is, says, “You want him?” And I understand how you want to kick the mutherfin’ teeth out of some heifer you hear talk to her child in a hateful voice. Or how you want to gouge the eyes out of some ho who, when she she that you are trying to get pregnant, says “All my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant, blahahahahah.” I do understand.

  • Ela Olaru

    February 9, 2012 | Reply

    My hubby and I have the same problem and the more we try the harder it gets. I’m in my late 20′s and maybe it’s still time, but what if there isn’t? What if it isn’t meant to be? Am I ready fo face our whole life alone, just the two of us, no children? It kinda sucks, and sometimes is sad, and sometimes dramatic, and when it stops being sad and dramatic,it sucks some more.
    And then I hear them:”oh, children are such joy, you feel like you left something behind in this world, they bring you comfort when you’re of old age…” What the heck? Can this sound any shallow and self-centered? This is what is left of me? Having to feel pressured to have a child just to prove I’m worth something or fit into some stupid social standars? No way, mister!
    So we’ve decided to keep it cool, making the best out of each day, trying to leave behind something less human (lol) and putting some money in a retirement fund (since no offsprings is gonna have my back). And to all of those “you’re next-ers”, a sincere ” go plant a tree!”
    And maybe this is coping, or frustrations of a 27 year old whose period is more precise than an atomic clock, but I’m just trying to prevent some major sobbing and depression in the future ( if in case of).
    As for you Maegan, you have a wonderful life, many beautiful things surround you, and all because you’re a wonderful person. And you’re making a contribution to this world every day because there’s a lot of positive energy going towards you with every post.
    Sorry for the loooong comment, hope you didn’t fall asleep :)))
    Love, Ela , Romania

  • Trista

    February 9, 2012 | Reply

    Hi Maegan,
    First off, I wanted to say I love your blog! I accidentally saw your blog when I was searching for morganite rings – it’s my favorite stone! Your engagement ring is gorgeous. :)

    I was actually in your shoes. I was with the same guy since college, we got married in 2007 after 11 years of dating. Decided to have kids in 2009 – when I was 34! We tried for one year.. during that time I went through everything – got the fallopian tubes checked for blockage, had the FSH levels checked, took clomid for 7 months! (apparently if you take clomid for 2 months and don’t get pregnant, your chances of getting pregnant go downhill), and even did an IUI. I was still not pregnant. Then the hubby took a test, and we discovered his sperm count was low. :(

    We then got some advise to take some GNC fertility vitamins. Yes, from the GNC store. We were very skeptical, but apprently a lot of couples were able to conceive after taking these supplements for more than 3 months. After 4 months, we got pregnant!! Our baby is now 1, and we are expecting again (we took the supplements for another 4 months after I stopped breastfeeding). :)

    Good luck!!! Your wish may still come true. It’s not too late!

  • Chelsea

    February 18, 2012 | Reply

    I’m so sorry to hear the one up and many downs. I have a close friend that tried for 5 years as well. She already followed a healty diet, but add supplements and vitamins that Marilyn Shannon recommends in her books. Mrs. Shannon is a local Anatomy / Physiology professor here in Indiana. After 5 years, Meredith had 3 under 2 1/2 after being on the supplements for a few months prior to her first child. I know of 4 women who have children because of Mrs. Shannon.

    What ever you and your husband decide, I’m glad you have each other!

  • jk

    February 20, 2012 | Reply

    I love reading about your fashion and style and your life with your husband. I was thinking it seems like you both have an amazing relationship, are married for a few years now, how come no kids? I was searching your blog when I came across a tab Infertility. I read the whole thing and teared up a bit. My husband kept turning to me and saying what’s wrong with you? LOL. Anyways sometimes the timing isn’t right even though we think it is. One day you will be craddling a baby in your arms and it wont be the neighbors. It’ll be yours. There’s a small saying…a fruit gained through patience it much sweeter. It’ll happen, keep trying, and don’t lose your hope. Our world is built on miracles :)

  • Anonymous

    March 5, 2012 | Reply

    I read your article and that was me years ago. The more my friends had babies the more I was let down and discouraged. I tried clomid for a year nothing! So dare I say it I did timed intercorse with injectable drugs. Second round it worked. They made me wait two weeks before going in I just knew I was going to have 5 babies and be one of those crazy people on TV. The day of the ultrasound there was one little baby. So after 11 years of infertility and trying everything I could imagin I gave birth to a little baby girl and all that pain and tears were worth it to have her. You will have your time! Just continue to think positive!

  • Ewa Prokopczuk

    March 8, 2012 | Reply

    One of my greatest fears some day is that I will have difficulty having children. Your strength and grace is inspiring. You’re among one of the bravest bloggers I have ever read – thank you so much for sharing something so personal. That’s what makes role models worthy of being followed.

    Thank you.
    :) Ewa

  • Anonymous

    March 9, 2012 | Reply

    I just so happen to stumble upon your website and I coulnd’t stop reading your blog. My name is Candice, I am 30 years old and I had a total hysterectomy at the age of 21. I know your pain. And I’ve been dealing with this for a long time, I try to do things that make me happy but its a constant struggle. Because the moment I have time to think its the first thing that pops up in my mind (I will never have a child of my own!!) I am working with a therapist to find my happiness again and I wont stop until I get it back. thank you for your honesty. I will pray for you and your husband .

    Thank you,
    Candice

  • Anonymous

    March 16, 2012 | Reply

    I’d like to add my two cents in. I just heard the story of a mother of four who for six years was told she and her husband couldn’t conceive kids. They went to all the therapies and got all the treatments and they kept getting the same response. They were about to start adoption papers when her father passed away, and shortly after she started feeling really ill. She went to the doctor and after careful examination, she was told she was pregnant. She wound up having four boys, after doctors told her she was infertile for six years. Miracles do happen. It can always happen to you too.

  • Brittaney

    March 21, 2012 | Reply

    Hi Maegan, my name is Brittaney and I found your blog from a link on pinterest about bun curls. But what caught my eye was a link at the top of your blog- infertility. The reason it caught my eye is because I’ve been going through the same thing for the past 2 years. Every month, a glimmer of hope shot down. I’m now on my 5th round of clomid and 2nd round of IUI. I had a miscarriage last summer and that’s as close as I’ve ever come to being a parent. So I can completely relate. Especially with the husband’s reaction. Sometimes I think I’m alone, but then I see his face drop with the bad news too.
    Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Maybe one day our dreams will come true!

  • Suzzy

    March 26, 2012 | Reply

    This is my first time on your blog. I never thought the emotions I felt about not being able to have children could be put into words but you just did it. I tell myself this is a decision my husband and I are making, not one that has already been made for us, but it is difficult sometimes. It is getting easier though, I’ve known for years I would have trouble conceiving, we just found out he has some medical issues that would make it next to impossible. I work with teens with drug and alcohol addictions, I know I see the worst of the worst, but it has helped me come to grips with not having my own child. I would be scared to death to raise a teenager! I also have a checklist of reasons not to have kids, but ultimately it still upsets me. My parents will never have their own grandchildren, my heart breaks more for them than it does for me.
    Whatever path you choose, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, or choosing to remain the two of you, I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong, and thank you for your openess and honesty, it helps to know there are other ladies out there in the same boat with me.

  • Jennifer

    April 12, 2012 | Reply

    Having lived and struggled with infertility for almost ten years now, I completely understand the pain and frustration you are feeling. I often tell other women that it’s difficult to understand the pain and heartache a woman feels who cannot bear children unless you have experienced. And it is equally heartbreaking for our dear husbands as well to watch us suffer so. If you’d like to read my story about infertility and adoption you can click here:

    http://www.cupcakesandmudpuddles.com/p/hoping-to-adopt.html

    Hang in there and don’t give up hope. I have a dear friend who tried to conceive for almost 20 years and just last month delivered a beautiful baby boy. Miracles do happen ALL THE TIME! :-)

    Prayers and hugs to you….
    ~jennifer

  • robyn from whimages

    April 12, 2012 | Reply

    Hey Cutie! I didn’t have time to read everyone’s comments and I’m sure you may not even want my two cents
    cause everyone has probably given you theirs. But I have to say, PLEASE try Clomid. We struggled with infertility for over 2 years when I was just 22. I was producing 2 eggs most of the time on my own so I thought he’d never put me on Clomid but eventually he did in addition to HCG shots (my eggs were released when they were too old) and IUI and I conceived twins on the 4th try. I will say a prayer for you tonight! Oh and BTW, I did your rope braids with the bun on my sweet little 10 year old FREEBIE surprise babygirl (born 6 years after the twins) She came home from school beaming today because she got so many compliments on her hair! THANKS!!!

  • Audrey Grant

    May 25, 2012 | Reply

    Today is the first time I have ever seen your blog. I came for the DIY on the lace toe socks, but when I saw the infertility I had to click on it.
    I don’t know how long you have been married and trying to have a baby but I will tell you that I know every emotion, feeling, thought and heartache that you are feeling! I went through it every single month for 7 years. Holding my breath and praying until I knew and then the heartbreak and failure that I felt each and every month, year after year.
    But there is hope…sometimes it is medical help and sometimes it is just time. For me it was just time. My son (yes, I FINALLY got pregnant!!) just turned 17 last week! And since then we now have a 12yr old daughter and a 10 yr old son.
    I just wanted to be an encouragement if I can and tell you that what you and your husband are feeling is normal. Not easy, but natural. And together, you can get through whatever lies ahead!

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