Thirty Six and Still Childless…

My husband and I eloped and got married in 2006 and just about a year later we stopped trying NOT to get pregnant. We were both 31 years old at the time and we decided it was time to start “trying” to have a baby.

Now, let me start by saying that I have a bit of an issue with the term “trying” to have a baby or “trying” to do anything… I believe that the term “trying” is just an excuse for not doing. Yes it’s blunt, but I learned when I quit smoking after eleven or more years of inhaling glorious tar and nicotine into my body and soul, that all the times I had tried to quit prior meant nothing. I knew I wasn’t really going to quit even when going through the motions. Since then, my theory on it has been very straight forward: you either do something or you don’t. Trying is an excuse for not doing.

Except, somehow, when it’s in regards to getting pregnant. Because it seemed no matter how much we “did it” we were still not getting the desired results. So in this case, “trying” equalled failing and “doing it” equalled failing.

I have failed at getting pregnant for five years now, this month.

If you’ve been following my infertility story here, you may already know some of these early details. But if not, the basics are as follows: I have endometriosis, something I had no clue resided in the depths of my insides until I also was diagnosed with cysts on my ovaries at the age of 31. I only found these two exciting new things out because I started seeing a fertility specialist rather than a regular old Gynecologist purely accidentally; she was the closest lady doctor to my house at the time. And she was the first doctor ever to diagnose me, so of course, I didn’t believe her and I got a second opinion. I was absolutely positive she was incorrect. But she wasn’t and I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the cysts in June of 2007. She told me she was going to “Clean me out so I was nice and ready for a baby”… and this was well before the husband and I had really discussed the future of our family.

A few months later, I actually thought I was pregnant which prompted us to begin “trying”. And then a year went by with no baby. So we were both tested and assured that while we were old, we were also just fine and should be able to get pregnant in no time at all. And then time and time again we did not get pregnant. The following year my doctor tried to put me on clomid, but I refused. I wasn’t ready to give up the idea of getting pregnant naturally.

I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t willing to test fate. We are not religious, but I am very fearful of medication, hormones, and forcing something that may not be the right thing to do. These are the main reasons I wasn’t into “helping” our situation. I don’t care that anyone else does it. If it works for them, fine. But it’s not for me. I will not change my mind on this issue. Some have told me that if I really wanted a baby I would do it but I’m not willing to compromise my beliefs and my own body and spirit to accomplish something that maybe wasn’t “supposed to happen” in the first place. I worry about the “after” and the “what ifs”.

Maybe my thinking is backwards, but I don’t like medicine and I don’t trust the healthcare system here. So I put my hopes and trust into us and month after month and year after year I came up empty.

Many months I’m okay with it. Many weeks I feel I’m better off. Many days I’m holding back tears. For anyone in this situation, it’s a roller coaster of emotions that no matter how hard you focus, you cannot get off the ride.

About a year ago or more, I watched a documentary called Google Baby which is basically about outsourcing pregnancies to India. Technology is amazing. For $8000 I thought, we could have a baby. A gestational carrier in india who will live in a pregnancy house, cared for with other women doing the same thing, making babies for women and gay couples who can’t create their own. And in return, these women, who were always married with a child of their own, could buy a house for their family. It’s a give and take, a women helping women, as the doctor referred to it in the film.

Because the cost of a gestational carrier here in the states in $50K-$120K {as is adoption}, the thought of this sounded rather optimistic. And then I remembered that I am terrified of flying. And then I thought that if I wasn’t willing to fly to India where our baby was gestating, then maybe I didn’t want a baby as bad as I thought I did.

Or maybe I just wasn’t into the idea of outsourcing our child. And even though a very kind family member generously offered me her womb, I think my inability to accept the fact that this is actually happening in my life, keeps me from moving forward in that direction… but it also means surgically retrieving eggs from my ovaries. No thank you.

There’s something in me that still thinks, month after month, that the weird feeling in her stomach is a baby and not just her period. Five years later she still thinks this. Do you know what that means? That means that this person is insane. Yes, that is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

But why? Why can’t I get pregnant? Five years later, I still wonder. And now, we ARE old. 36 vs 31 in the baby-making years is ancient. I don’t care that people do it in their forties, I don’t want to. Now I worry about my own fucking health. Could my body and mind handle pregnancy, delivery, and the aftermath?

I go quite some time feeling okay with my own insanity in this department and usually break at around the 6 month period. I believe my last “wah I can’t have a baby” post was December 2011, so I’m overdue I suppose. But really, it’s been on my mind for a few months now. In fact, the week after I finished my book manuscript is when the baby fever returned. It creeps up on me when I’m not IMMERSED IN A PROJECT SO DEEP that the thought of a child completely on the back burner.

Whatever.

I think we are finally okay with the idea of adopting. Obviously for people in our situation, it’s always and option, but I think it also means that’s it. For me anyway, it means I have accepted the fact that we won’t have a biological baby and are willing to give a home to a child who needs one. I mean, the world is overpopulated anyway right? Why should I be so selfish thinking that our genetic spawn would be better for this world than giving back to humanity?

We have seriously begun looking into adoption at the moment…

Photo Source: Marilyn sitting on the curb

 

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, and home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life with her husband and adorable dogs, two Frenchies & an old Pug in wheels. Here you will find her talking about their journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation up to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life.

59 Comments

  • Patty

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    I wish you all the best. Being a woman who has had one ovary removed and plagued by cysts for years. I often wonder if a biological child is in the cards for me. I also look forward to adoption someday soon. Sending lots of positive vibes your way.

  • Jennifer Concepcion

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    I know your pain all too well and would love to share
    My story with you. I am now the proud adoptive mother of a beautiful daughter from Guatemala. She has been home for 5 years and she will turn 6 in November. Adoption is such a beautiful thing. I would love to email my story to you, but not sure where to find your email address.
    Hugs!!!
    Jennifer Concepcion
    j.concepcion@ymail.com

  • Anonymous

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    I went back and read your infertility story and I wish you all the best in the adoption process. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure 4 yrs ago and am in my early 30s and the specialists have no idea why this happened to me since im so young. I was told my only options are adoption or an egg donor. I have been married 6 yrs and tried to get pregnant the past 4 yrs with no such luck. Just like you I still sometimes think maybe this is the month it will happen but know deep down it just won’t for me. It has truly been an emotional rollercoaster. I always think I should be a mom to a 3 or 4 yr old by now but can’t think that way. It’s time to throw in the towel sorta speak as i have given up all hope and time to move forward and choose adoption or a donor. I want to be a mom so bad and won’t give up yet. Infertility is a process and I think I’m ready to move to the next step. Maegan thanks so much for sharing your story.

  • Whitney {Rookie Moms}

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    Oh, Meagan, I am a sometimes reader of your beautiful blog. I am so sorry for your grief and infertility. It takes me back to my own experience with infertility, just a tiny taste of your five year journey. I wish the best for you with whatever comes your way.

  • GRIT AND GLAMOUR

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan,

    Every time I read one of these posts from you, it just breaks my heart. I cannot possibly imagine how it must feel to want something so much and not know why it can’t happen. You should definitely do what is right for you…can’t blame you for being leery of medicines and hormones. Have you tried acupuncture? With a real, bonafide Chinese medicine acupuncturist? I’ve read that it can actually help, and obviously, it’s all natural. In CA I’m sure you can find someone who practices Chinese medicine more easily than in some other cities. May be worth a try as you do your research for adoption or other avenues. You may find your stance on some other options could change…but I hope that maybe acupuncture could work for you. I think a good practitioner will first work to clean your body and reproductive organs for optimum health, then go from there.

    Anyway, my heart goes out to you. But you are on the right path…you know it’s time for action, and I know you will make this little family a reality. Sending you love and light from the east coast.

    V.

  • Angela

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    I’m having a laparoscopy on Tuesday to see if I have endometriosis. Pretty nervous about it.

    I know many, many people who have struggled with infertility, and every one of them has a different journey. I hate to think that anyone would try to force you to compromise your beliefs, as you mentioned. Do whatever is right for you.

    A friend of mine from high school is struggling with infertility right now, and blogging about it. She recently had her second miscarriage, at the age of 28. If you’d like to read her story, go here; http://www.theluckiestnomatterwhat.blogspot.com

  • Miriam

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    This is a very honest and admirable post. I must admit, however, that I couldn’t help smiling at the second paragraph. It was just pure Yoda! Do or do not, there is no try.” ;)

  • Kellyb

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan,
    I truly am sorry for what you are going thru and also very much understand. I remember being 36 and childless and my doctor giving me the results of some tests they had run since I was not getting pregnant. When she told me my FSH I cried for days thinking I’ll never be a mother, I’ll never experience what it’ feels like to be pregnant. We went about our lives and then my doctor said she had recently read several research articles regarding cloud taken with metformin in stimulating the ovaries to produce those precious eggs.

    I respect completely your feelings about meds and your comfort with how to proceed on your journey. For me, I knew I wanted to be pregnant, have our baby, and had already done some research of my own on natural treatments, such as castor oil packs, as well as meds like clomid.

    Interestingly enough, I was doing the castor oil packs, reducing my stress, sleeping, quit smoking, at the same time I also decided to give the clomid and metformin meds a try. I tracked my ovulation, tried not to drive my husband crazy, and followed my gut. On month four I was pregnant, and very nervous. We didn’t tell anyone until the second trimester but I did everything by the book and had my baby boy when I was 37 almost 38.

    We decided against amino, too dangerous, and did not do the quad blood screen for downs because it didn’t matter to us, this was our baby and we loved him or her already. I had a healthy baby boy right before I turned 38.

    My doctor once said, getting pregnant is really quite a miracle and also quite ironic. Because most of us spend a greater portion of our lives trying not to get pregnant and then when we do try it’s not that simple! Yet somehow the body knows what to do when u r least expecting it because when my baby boy was seven months old my bout of the flu turned out to be much more than that. I was pregnant without trying and gave birth to my second baby boy at 39 almost 40.

    I’m very lucky but also very tired. Was it the meds or the more natural treatments, I don’t know. But continue to do what’s best for you and believe in the family you want to have, it will happen for you too. I will think good thoughts for you, your time is not running out, it’s only getting started.

  • hotpants™

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    Clomid works for many women, but I love that you’ve stood firm on your beliefs. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to allow your body to have or not have a baby naturally.

  • Maria

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    There’s really nothing that I can say, and nothing I’m going to attempt to say. But I hope that in five years for now, you find more peace within whatever the future brings for you. From the small bits of you that I’ve seen through the lens of your blog, I’ve grown to appreciate your kindness, your sense of humor, and your love for the world around you.

  • Love + Marriage

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    Hi Maegan, Somehow you always seem to write my feelings for me. Is it because I’m a (Megan) too? 36? Blonde?…Childless? My husband and I have been trying for 3+ years and we are finally giving in and getting some help. We’re in the process of all the testing (no results yet even. I’m having the HSG test on Monday. So far I know that I have lots of good eggs in my ovaries but my doctor suspects endo and suggests the same surgery you had. I’m nervous about it.

    My sister has two beautiful boys, and going back generations, the women had babies (lots of them and up until their 40′s). I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just really want my baby…our baby.
    So thanks for being someone I can commiserate with. I stay away from infertility blogs because it scares me too much to focus on it. Like you, I am ever hopeful.

  • Shonnae Robinson

    August 18, 2012 | Reply

    I truly wish you a happy parental life with choosing adoption. I belive their is nothing wrong with domestic adpition in the usa. Respecting your body by not using anything un natural is also a good decision. Gôod luck

  • Nanny Pants is on the loose

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Oodalaly!!! I’m loving this outcome. So egg salad. A new friend of mine has three girls and adopted a boy who is adorable and perfect. I know this will be a wonderful solution. I’m so happy for you guys and I love u so much! Now Get on it and scoop up a baby in the next year so our little ones can grow up together. I havent given up hope and I was just thinking about you and this today. Sending good thoughts, positive energy and prayers your way.

  • Meagan

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    My heart breaks every time I read one of these posts of yours. But I am also so glad that you share your story, pain, and thoughts. Amazing people like you two so deserve to be parents. Any child – no matter how they came into this world – would be infinitely lucky to be part of your lives. All the best to you guys.

  • Christina of Profresh Style

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Meagan, every time I read your post, I think of my mother, I think of my own experiences, I think of my friends who’ve lost children and I can’t help but want to reach out and hold you.

    Your honesty is what brings me back to your site post after post, year after year. I’ve followed your entire journey. Without saying too much, I experienced lose and emptiness but I genuinely have no idea what this is like with the want of a child with a husband and the want of a family. I feel like that’s why I’m constantly connected to you. You bring me true life, something I can’t get on most fashion blogs and something I strive for, on my own.

    The fact that you’re venturing to adoption, shows great strength and courage. The want and need for a child of your own is something greater than we can understand and then the reasons we don’t receive that are beyond our reasonings. And adoption is so telling of your heart and your spirit.

    Keep being honest and forthcoming with your stories because you reach so many people, whom of which you probably never thought like an unmarried, 25 year old who has a history of loss.

    There will be one day when I meet you (in L.A. of course, you skyphophia ;)) and when I do, I’m going to give you the biggest hug ever.

    xx

  • Leigh

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I just love that you are so good at following your instincts. You are already a great mom, with that strong trait within you. Whenever and however you end up meeting your child, they are going to be so very lucky to have you as their mother. XOXO.

  • carla5555

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan, reading your fertility posts always brings me to tears. I hate that you’re going through this, but know that you are not alone. I endured fertility treatments, and as a result of IVF, i was blessed with my twin girls. You obviously have to follow your heart and do what’s right for you. I will keep you in my prayers throughout the adoption process… and you never know… miracles happen everyday! xoxo Carla

    http://www.fashionmavenmommy.com

  • Euge medinaeugenia@hotmail.com

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Te leo hace dos años y es precioso todo lo que escribes. Eres una mujer valiente por abrir asi tu corazón. Un niño/a te está esperando en algún sitio para que seas su mama, y tu y tu esposo le den todo su amor. Muchas mujeres tiene hijos biológicos, incluso por error, sin desearlo, etc. Solo las mujeres u hombres valientes y de gran corazón pueden adoptar. Amor!

  • Rachel

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    My parents tried for 18 years to have a baby and had just accepted the fact that it wasn’t going to happen… then when my mom was 42 she thought she had the stomach flu and found out she was 3 months pregnant. 21 years later, all of us are fine and healthy :)

  • Kelly

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I just wanted to share that there is a phenomenal place called the Pope Paul VI Institute where SO many people who have faced infertility have FINALLY found success. It is located in Omaha, NE, but there are other docs who use the technology all across the country. The company I work for does business with them and I have heard so many successes. In fact, they are nationally-renowned and people travel from all over to visit. But like I said, I know there are other docs using this technology. It’s pretty neat. I also wanted to let you know that I’ll be praying for you, no matter what you decide to do. God bless.

    http://www.popepaulvi.com/

  • Higgenbottom

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    There’s nothing wrong or selfish about wanting your own bio baby. I don’t know anything about adoption, but I work with children, and I’ve found they’re sooooo easy to fall in love with, regardless of who’s womb they came from. You will be an amazing mom.

  • Anonymous

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I think it comes down to prayer and not focusing on it when it happens.

    As a middle aged mom for the first (and only time) I have to say once you really do stop “trying” & “worrying about it” it seems to happen.
    I was married for nearly 7 year (no birth control) with many disappointing pregnancy test until I stopped focusing on it on my career instead and a few months later, I became pregnant.

  • Anonymous

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I think this is wonderful news and want to add my voice to your bevy of well wishers:)

  • Anonymous

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan,

    Choosing to adopt does not mean you are giving up getting pregnant. You can start the process now, but not give up “trying” for the moment.

    Also, as an adopted child, I want to ask you: are you REALLY sure that you want to adopt? Because you seem hesitant, like it was a last resort…

  • Kez

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    As an adoptee, I feel so blessed that my parents gave up on their dreams of a biological child and created a new dream of an adopted one. It took strength, courage and so much love for them to get me and I admire them all the time for it.
    Blood isn’t everything.
    My parents honestly believe that their infertility issues came about because they were meant to find my brother and I. We’re in our late 20s now and they still believe it just as strongly and we’re all so close. Thinking of you x

  • Marisa

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I wish I could give you a giant hug though the screen. IF is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, and we only struggled for 2 years. I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel after 5 years. I wish you well in whatever path you end up taking.

  • Lex

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    You’re amazing. The way you know what’s right for you and your body is something to aspire to. I hope you find happiness, however you happen upon it. X

  • Marie-Eve

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I guess by now you’ve heard all kind of stories. Do whaterver feels right for you ! But giving a home and a loving family to a child is one of the most amazing and fabulous thing. Two of my frieds who couldn’t get pregnant finally decided to adopt and that child is one of the luckiest one in the world ! And a collegue of mine (she was 38 at the time) took some time off work to go adopt a baby in Columbia, and ended up never going since she learned she was pregnant (after years of trying) the day before boarding the plane ! You never know ! Watever path you choose, I wish you lots and lots of happiness !

  • jntcho

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I know two women – one my own mother, the other my art teacher – who had children at the age of 40. If 36, as you say, is absolutely ancient, then these women were dinosaurs. And I am a dinosaur baby ;)

    Never lose hope!

  • Andi of My Beautiful Adventures

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I think adoption is one of the most beautiful things in this world! You actually get to choose your baby, because you want it so badly!!! That’s amazing!

    On a side note, have you ever tried acupuncture? I’m a Chinese Medicine Doctor and I treat “infertile” women on a daily basis and I see a lot of success in my clinic!

  • marge27

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan, you have my respect! Totally.

  • xoxosweetheart

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I’m so happy for you! I’ve helped women go through clomid cycles and it’s not bad at all, but adoption will be such a wonderful thing. I’m sure the second you meet your baby all doubt will be erased. All the best of luck :)

  • Holly

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    i wish you and your husband nothing but love and hope on your possible adoption journey. what a lucky baby that will be.

  • Mama Kat

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I often wonder how women deal with infertility. When my husband and I decide to have a baby and don’t get pregnant within 6 months (Let alone a year!)…I mean there’s just no way I’ll continue to have that much sex and NOT get a baby out of the deal.

    I have no doubt you would be an amazing mother and I’m so excited to watch that happen for you in whatever way, shape or form it happens!

  • T.

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I always find these kind of posts very interesting and very brave of you!
    I can NOT relate to your situation but IN GENERAL I think acceptance is a good thing. We can’t control everything.

  • Phoebe

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    I like to think I’ve followed a lot of your journey (and caught up where I haven’t) and I’d like to wish you all the luck in the world.
    I see how much you seem to want children and think whichever route you think is best for yourself is obviously the route you should take.
    While adoption may not have been your first choice, think of the benefits you can give that child, as well as yourself having a child to call your own.
    Good luck with everything.

  • Jessi

    August 19, 2012 | Reply

    Oh sweet Maegan, I admire you so much. I admire your mad skills with fashion and all things beauty, but then you bare your heart and soul and my admiration for you skyrockets – I think you are so, so brave! I wish I had the right words of comfort for you but I know that no magical words will really take away your pain. But I know in my heart that amidst your heartache is a very strong woman, and no matter what ends up happening and what choices you make, you will be perfect in your role(s).
    Much, much love,
    xoxo J

  • Alex

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    I just read a book you might like; one of the characters is on a similar journey as you are. Anyway, it’s called “Secret Daughter” and I highly recommend it. You’re a brave lady, and adopting is an amazing thing. You’re saving a life. And that’s the most wonderful thing.

  • Apt. #34

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Thank you, as always, for sharing your personal story Meghan. It’s very inspiring. As a 32 yr old woman who is just started considering hopping on the baby train I really appreciate the reality check and the knowledge that there are a lot of different challenges to keep in mind. Wishing you the very best no matter how your family comes to you.

  • Morris Mama

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Infertility is the hardest thing. I’m so sorry you have to struggle with this. Being diagnosed with PCOS, I have also struggled with it. The yearning to have a child is overwhelming sometimes.

    I don’t know if you are open to suggestions or not. I understand that the moment you say you are struggling to get pregnant, everyone has advice about what worked for them. It can be annoying. At the risk of being annoying, I was able to get pregnant naturally because I read these and followed these books at the suggestion of a friend:

    http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Pregnant-Naturally-Conceiving-Fertility/dp/0380796333

    http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Pregnant-What-Couples-Right/dp/B001PO68MY/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_6

    http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/natural-solutions-to-infertility-marilyn-glenville/1100465531

    They all suggest a similar regimen of vitamin therapy and other natural suggestions.

    They are wonderful books and they worked for us and also for many friends I suggested them to.

    I understand what works for one doesn’t work for all but if you are still understandably avoiding the medical route, these books might be worth a try.

    Best of luck, whatever your decision.

  • Beth

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    I really hope you find your child. No matter how they come to you, once they call you mom, it won’t matter. It only matters that you are a family.

  • Nadia

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan, I’m not the commenting type usually, but I love your blog and read it for more then 3 years now. I’m also familiar with the ovarian cyst, endometriosis type of problems, because I was there too… my path though led me to try something else, the nutritional approach. Have you tried to change the foods you eat for fertility and reproductive health? There are also some lifestyle changes that should be done to help you achieve better reproductive health. If you need more info about it, I can help, just let me know…

  • Jen

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Thank you. Thank you for saying so many of the things I think and do not say. Maybe it is time to start. I wish you nothing but success in your journey and know you have our support and love.

  • Lexy of BeautyFash

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan, I admire your courage and strength! I wish you the very best and much success on your journey to becoming a mommy.

  • thankfifi

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    I really wish you all the best on this new journey – it seems like a positive step to an end result which will make you very happy

    ♥ ThankFifi

  • A.Co

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    It’s been forever and a day since you blogged about this and I’m glad you did. I always enjoy reading these posts, they make you REAL, HUMAN & RELATE-ABLE.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. :(

    Whatever you choose, and if you choose to adopt, you will be a wonderful mother. And if you don’t choose to adopt or have a baby another way (eg. India as you were talking about… damn flying ;) you will still be a great, great, GREAT person.

    I hope you can find that happiness and completeness (not that you aren’t complete, just I guess feel further complete).
    xo

  • Harper

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am a 25-year old woman adopted by my parents from South Korea. My parents tried for years to get pregnant before adopting me (my mom was 35 and my dad was 37). After they adopted me, my mom got pregnant naturally with my younger brother. They always wanted more children though, and at the age of 42, my mother got pregnant with my youngest sister, who was (and is) healthy as can be.

    As an adopted child (who looks nothing like my parents or siblings), I am forever grateful for the adoption process. Who knows where I would be today if I had not been given the gift my parents gave me? I am forever close to my (adoptive) parents and siblings and have never once felt out of place.

    It makes me sad to think others are so close-minded about adoption because without it, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have a happy childhood, participate in high school sports and clubs, graduate college, or even live the life I live today, which is surrounded by love and family.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

  • Caroline, No.

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    I really admire your conviction in your beliefs! I hate synthetic hormones too, after taking the contraceptive pill for a short time and nearly going crazy.

    I also hate unsolicited advice but I can’t help myself: have you tried acupuncture? I know people who have had amazing results…

    Sounds like you are on your own path anyway. I don’t think you can go wrong listening to your own instincts.

    Cxx

  • StacieVH

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    Hi Megan,

    As a relatively new reader to your blog I’ve been meaning to leave you a note for sometime, but was always afraid I would offend/hurt you. However the candor and courage you have shown with your most recent infertility post has embolden me to share the stories below:

    My supervisor and his wife struggled to conceive for 4 years. She too was diagnosed with endometriosis, and underwent several surgeries to remove tumors from her uterus, think each one would bring her closer to a child.

    It was during their last round of in-vitro, which was to be her last if it proved to be unsuccessful, that the wife began having acupuncture session 3x a week. Within a few weeks she received news she was pregnant, and thinking it was due in part to the acupuncture, she continued her 3x a wk sessions for the duration of her pregnancy, and they now have a baby girl. I am told they removed the last of her fibrous tumors during the scheduled C-section.

    I would caulk this up as a fluke, however another coworker of mine, this time an older female who had struggled with her husband for 7yr, also followed the same acupuncture regiment at the suggestion of my supervisor, and she and her husband now have a baby boy.

    Again, thank you for being so up front about your personal struggles. Regardless of what life has in store, any child (biological or otherwise) would be blessed to grow up in a house with a woman as strong and as brave as you.

  • Alyson

    August 20, 2012 | Reply

    I’m so sorry to read again you’re feeling this way. I waver about adoption, too, as a mom of one biological who cannot get pregnant (four months after having my girl I had sudden, luckily temporary paralysis from what turned out to be a rare neurological condition. The resulting issues not the condition, prevent me from being off medication long enough to conceive/carry. I have times when I’m eager about the prospect of adoption — we have begun the process –and think, man how selfish am I that I have one biological and somehow I’m not sure about helping a deserving child? I can’t help it. We’re only human and our true feelings are all that matters. Even though our situations are different I so sympathize. I also wrote about this on my blog, which was helpful in my grieving process, and to hear from other women. I hope this platform enables you a level of comfort in knowing that other women relate, suffer and sympathize.

    I can only wish you the best and say how thankful I am that you, with your large platform here, have shared your deeply personal story. It’s really brave and gives so many other women hurting in silence comfort.

  • Anonymous

    August 21, 2012 | Reply

    After 5 years of trying (without any fertility treatments), at the age of 33 I became pregnant and on Nov 30, 2011 was blessed with a beautiful little girl. As a first time mother with a colicky baby and a rough recovery I was overwhelmed-lucklily my wonderful Mother was there to support and guide me through the tough times. I was adopted and always felt a strong desire to have a “biological” child thinking I somehow needed that connection through DNA to complete me. I am obviously “connected” to my daughter as she has changed my life in such wonderful ways, but having my daughter made me realize that biology has so little to do with being a mother. I love my daughter so much and hope to someday be half the Mother that my Mom is. Although she may not have physically given birth to me, we are connected and my love for her and her love for me is only rivaled by my love for my daughter and also my Mother’s love for her grandchildren. I hope you are able to have children whether by your own womb or through your own big heart with adoption, surrogacy etc. because motherhood is a wonderful gift and regardless of how your child is brought into your life you will love her and she will love you more than you could imagine!

  • Anonymous

    August 21, 2012 | Reply

    Amen to all the good wishes and hugs headed your way! Since fertility is such a hard-wired instinct and one of the main drivers of fulfillment and happiness for so many people, I wonder if you have sought any counseling or visited an infertility support group to help you think through your decision-making process. I have seen so many friends adopt gorgeous children but still feel a sense of lingering sadness over their infertility. Adoption is not a magic bullet that takes away all the pain and sadness of infertility but it is an absolutely beautiful thing to do. I would also suggest you visit the best infertility doctor you can find/afford and get retested as medical technology can change significantly in 5 years. At least make an informed decision about what “infertility treatment” would involve.

  • Amy

    August 22, 2012 | Reply

    i have read your blog for a long time. in the past, i kept up and read every post – but over the past 2 or so years i come occasionally, only because i don’t have as much time to be on the internet as i used to. anyway, the point of this is that the main reason i come back is to see if you are pregnant. that is the 100% truth. i’ve been wanting it so bad for you because i know how much you want a child. i think adoption is a great idea. there is a child out there who was meant to have you for a mother. you will find him or her and it will feel just like the child is biological. it will be meant to be. best wishes!

  • Kate

    August 22, 2012 | Reply

    Maegan, I’ma long time reader and first time commenter. I just wanted to say best wishes with the adoption process. You and your husband will make wonderful parents and I look forward to sharing the next chapter of your journey with you.

    Kate

  • jennifer {fabfatale.com}

    August 24, 2012 | Reply

    hey maegan, i would NEVER say that if you really wanted a baby you would do, this or that; however, i really wish you knew what it felt like to be on the other side of that sugery and the hormones. the dread for me (because i have horrible anxiety that i see a counselor about) is always worse than the reality and it proved true in this case. i actually found my counselor to help me through this process cuz I wanted to make sure that “I” actually wanted a baby bad enough to go through the hormones and retreival surgery. the hormones turned out to be not bad at all. in fact, i took it as an opportunity to look brave because it didn’t bother me at all. i felt no more or less hormonal than my time of the month lol. and the surgery, oh lawd, i literally pictured myself running out of that lobby while waiting to be called in for the surgery. somehow i didnt, they put me to sleep (a light twilight sleep, probably the best nap of my life) and i woke up well rested and in no pain. they actually prescribed me pain killers, just in case and i didn’t even cash them in. now i have 8 “babies on ice” as i like to refer to them lol, ready for transfer, and it’s such a great feeling to be on the other side. im not trying to influence you either way as the decision is so personal, but coming from someone with mega anxiety (mostly of flying and public speaking, and a bit of agoraphobia), i got through it so easily and just thought i’d share :) my confidence in the rest of my journey (even after a miscarriage) is so high and there’s no stopping me now :) i wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do!

  • jennifer {fabfatale.com}

    August 24, 2012 | Reply

    meant to mention, im 36 and childless as well :)

  • Mik Harewam

    September 21, 2012 | Reply

    Infertility is hard and from reading what you’ve written, I’ve felt all your emotions, I think. Adoption is an amazing way to grow a family. We adopted a baby girl 7 months ago. It’s just been wonderful. It’s such an exciting road, enjoy every minute of it. x x x

  • Julliat

    October 24, 2012 | Reply

    Since then, my theory on it has been very straight forward: you either do something or you don’t. Trying is an excuse for not doing. see that

  • Anonymous

    March 29, 2013 | Reply

    Infertility means God doesn’t want you to have kids. Get over it.

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