I can create anything… I can’t create everything. darkness.

Sometimes… everything I am and everything I do is just a distraction to keep my mind from the darkness. It’s not that it doesn’t work, because it does. I stay busy. I focus on how to grow my business, how to create art, how to feed my passionate soul, how to be happy, and in the mean time, I share myself and my knowledge, albeit on a relatively small scale, but one that keeps me busy enough to stay fulfilled, happy, and distracted most of the time.My brain wants to be occupied and I’d prefer it be obsessing on how to create something positive rather than how I can’t seem to create the one thing I want so badly.And then I trick myself into thinking that it’s not actually what I want because of “this reason” and “that”… which also works some of the time.

But without fail, the thoughts creep back in as if to say remember us? We didn’t go away, we were just sitting in the back of the stadium for a while, waiting for it to go quiet in here for just a moment… waiting for vulnerability… ready to charge… and hoping you’re ready to make nothing into something again because that’s where we feel our strongest. Waiting for you to bring us to the surface to focus on sadness and all the things you’re not instead of all that you are.

Because this one thing is what I am “supposed” to be able to do. Because I was born with the mechanisms to do so… Because I am a woman. But I can’t. We can’t. For nearly 6 years now, we’ve created such a fine life but we just can’t seem to create life.

So I paint my nails and I curl my hair and I make everything around me as pretty as possible so it shines brighter than the darkness inside my heart. The soft edges and the sparkle distract my mind and distort my view, forcing my focus outside rather than in, where the quiet sadness lies.

We are so lucky & so blessed & so happy, but there’s a gaping void we just cannot seem to fill.

old crib
via my Pinterest “kids board” | original source : desire to inspire

 

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

49 Comments

  • Jola

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,
    I think you’re so brave to share all your thoughts with us. I’m sorry I can’t express what I feel, but my English isn’t that good. Your story touched me the first time you read about your infertility and I’ve been hoping to here some good news. You’re such a good person, you and your husband are a lovely couple. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
    Love,
    Jola

  • Cristiana Minnierip

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    I’m here, far, far away from you and your life. I always read your post and I often think “wow” about your life, your diys, your nice dogs and so on… and tonight (here it’s 11.19 pm) I read this post too. It’s ‘funny’, because I was born on the first of june in 1976 too, gemini, creative, fun and in this moment I’m thinking about my life, personal goals, what I’d like to be and to be with… and this is what I’d like to tell you… In italian, of course!
    Cara Maegan, ti abbraccio forte, sei una persona speciale, lo si capisce dai tuoi occhi, da quello che scrivi e da come lo scrivi… la vita é bella!
    <3
    C.

  • Nicole Meacham

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    Something more beautiful than everything around is waiting for you, just as you are waiting for it! All my love to you.

  • thesewingscarryme.com

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    Such a heartbreaking but honest and beautiful post. I’m sending my hopes and wishes to you and your husband that this dream comes true.

  • Anonymous

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    My husband had cancer when he was in his early 20’s. With a 40% chance to live he didn’t see the point in saving anything for later in life. Why his parents didn’t encourage this is something I’ll never understand in my life. The chemo left him sterile. I love him so much, and have yet to fully wrap my head around the loss of our child. The child that wont ever be. I hope that we both find the peace that we need.

  • Heather Carson

    February 22, 2013 | Reply

    maegan, i’ve been following you for some time now and my heart aches as i read this post. you are such a beautiful inspiring woman – not only creating the light in your life, but spilling it out into the world. i send my love to you from boston and hope to send some light back your way too. ((hugs))

    xo – heather
    This Life Is Yours Blog

  • Ashley Elizabeth

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    I have been following your blog for about 2 years now. I have seen other posts about your struggles and heartbreak to get pregnant. My heart truly goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain this causes you on a daily basis. You are so brave to share your story. Keep your head up, your an amazingly strong woman and if it’s meant to be, it will be. Plus your already a great mommy to your dogs!

    XOXO

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    After trying for three plus years, my husband and I had a battery of fertility tests. My hormones were low so they gave me supplements and I had IUIs and two months later, we were pregnant. But, at 7 1/2 weeks, we lost our first baby. TO say I was devastated is an understatement. That was in November. In December we found out that my mom’s breast cancer had returned and spread to her liver. The urgency of having a baby while she’s alive came rushing at me, a feeling of desperation. In January I became pregnant on my own, just by some miracle and lots of sex. I’m only 6 1\2 weeks along so I am hoping and praying for a healthy baby this time.
    Try a naturopathic doctor if you don’t want to do anything too medical, they can prepare your body. I read the book Making Babies and loved it, it has nice tips for increasing your fertility.
    You just never know, miracles can happen. Don’t give up and get help if you need it!

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    I also did acupuncture too! I did everything I could – naturally – to help me get pregnant. I swear to it all!

  • Sena Dees

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    This post really gets me. I am so sympathetic to your feelings. My mom had two miscarriages and years of infertility before she gave up hope. Then she was able to adopt my brother and me. I know from reading your blog for a while that you aren’t really considering adoption as an option. But if you ever do, remember this poem my mom had in each of our bedrooms: “Not flesh of my flesh, or bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Don’t you forget for a single minute you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Oh sweet girl…I’m so sorry you have to hurt this way. Sending light, life and prayers to you. <3

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    I have read, loved, and felt inspired and inadequate by your blog for several years. You’re in my prayers.
    For some reason, the verse Hebrews 11:1 popped in my head. Also, the Journey song “don’t stop… believing” 🙂

  • Andria

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Dear meagan, you are such an inspiration for us all! Here in Greece we used to say “Athina -ancient godness of wisdom-will help you but you too should put an hand too! It’ s all greek to you right???? What I am trying to say is that if you want a baby so badly you should consider to get some medical therapy. I myself am not from those women who get pregnant easy…but i wanted so much a baby that i tried clomiphaine…and you know what? It worked…I have my 3 year old son and i am so happy. Now that i want to have another baby if i have to i will take clomiphaine again! Wishing you the best from all my heart!

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    ADOPT.

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Oh wow…this post hit me hard. Same situation. I know how you feel. Am sad for you and me 🙁 am hoping one day for both of us x

  • Sarah MacMillan

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Maegan,
    My husband and I went through 7 years of infertility before our story came to a conclusion. Two years ago, we decided to attend a information night at our local Childrens Aid office. And it changed our life. It did not take the pain of infertility away, but it has given me the JOY of motherhood. Every road is different and every path goes it own way. But I can tell having kids, is having kids – no matter how they join your family. I still get depressed, and struggle with why I could not have babies. But I have learned to cope. When my four year old come up to me and asks for a hug in his scruffy hair and smudged glasses I can’t help but smile. I have been there, I know how it feels…
    ([email protected] – if you need a ear that knows how it feels)

  • Me

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    I wish I could hug you.

  • E.L. Erwin

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    This is such an honest and true post and I really appreciate you sharing it with us. A friend once asked me whether I wanted to give birth or if I wanted to be a mother. It was such a powerful moment and the beauty is that there isn’t one right or wrong answer. Once you answer that question for yourself you’ll find some closure. Much love.

  • Naomi

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    My sister adopted fertilized embryos and gave birth to twins last year. She and her husband were unable to conceive on their own but she still wanted to have the experience of pregnancy and child birth. I had never heard of it before. Life is to be treasured, no matter how it is created. XOXO thinking of you~

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Sending you a big hug

  • Erin

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    These are just thoughts – they are not YOU!! There is nothing in this world that can say what YOU are “supposed” to be or do or have. Your gifts are so different and unique and extraordinary… Don’t allow these dark thoughts to limit your world to thinking you were only supposed to a have a child (which may still happen, just in a different way than you expected – think about the Jolie-Pitt clan!). In a way, all of your readers are your “children” and you teach each of us something every single day. 🙂 In no way am I trying to stop you from feeling the enormous sadness you have, but I personally get so much out of your blog, and I wanted to send you LOVE with all caps.

  • eye_lean54

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Maegan-
    My friend from high school married a man 10 years older than her-she was 22. They tried & tried to have a family for many years. When she became 40,they just decided it was not to be. They compensated by becoming overweight couch potatoes. Their doctor gave them an ultimatum- get active & healthy again. So they joined a health club. A few more months passed. She suddenly became very tired & not herself. Now 45, she figured it was” pre-menopause.” She was speechless but overjoyed when her doctor told her she was pregnant.
    She told me she thinks that because her focus shifted from trying so hard to conceive to accceptance that she was not going to -somehow she relaxed enough to let Mother Nature take over. So now she is 58 & her hubby is 68, & her son is a typical teenager. She says they get asked if they are the grandparents but she wouldn’t change a thing. She & hubby are very,very happy.
    Maybe if you try some “reverse psychology” on yourself things will happen.
    I also know of several other couples who adopted. Then they went on to have a child of their own. Mother Nature sure has a weird sense of humor.
    At the very least, you & your hubby have a new home-a new beginning so to speak. Maybe Mother Nature has just been waiting for a more permanent “natural” setting and a calmer pace of life. I enjoy your blog so much-I am inspired daily. I hope I can “give back” to you by offering these words of encouragement. Hang in there it will happen. eye_lean54

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    I’m thinking adoption. Or, maybe, become big sister/brother to young children in your area. Something that makes you feel that you are contributing to children. Maybe fostering a child. Just a thought. Also, maybe your relaxing lifestyle there will enable you to have a welcome surprise in time. The best of luck to both of you.

  • Emily Jo

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Maegan. I just want you to know that from someone who is undergoing the same things, I appreciate your thoughts so well. You effectively worded many things I have been feeling lately and that means the world to me. Thank you Maegan.

  • Anonymous

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Can I just send you a huge (drunkish) hug from a pub in Ireland where I would prefer to personally give you a ‘you’re great’ squeeze and thank you for being a bright light in sometimes dark days for some of us x

  • Carla

    February 23, 2013 | Reply

    Your words were so beautifully written… i’m so sad for you. All i can say is, i’ve been down that path… you are not alone. Please know, miracles do happen so please don’t lose hope and never stop dreaming. God has a plan. Sending you a BIG hug! xoxo Carla

  • GRIT AND GLAMOUR

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    I think of you often, Maegan, even though I don’t know you. I was having a conversation the other day with my husband, who was telling me about this trollop one of his friends is in love with, who has one child already (from age 18, she’s now 22 I think), and she just gets abortions whenever she accidentally gets pregnant. I was telling him how ANGRY that makes me when I think of people like you who have so very much to give and yet, as you so eloquently wrote above, cannot create life. It just doesn’t make sense; I am sure you’ve already gone through these feelings yourself.

    Every time I read one of these posts, my heart breaks for you, it truly does. IVF and adoption are so expensive and I don’t really know if you want to go down those paths, but I do hope that you are blessed with a baby soon, Maegan. I think you should never give up on your dream of becoming a mother…where there is a will, there is a way. You can do so many fantastically creative things…I just know you are going to make this dream come true.

    Always sending you love and light.

    V.

  • Kristina

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    This is so heartfelt. Makes me want to just give you a hug!!

  • JoDi

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    These posts are always heartbreaking because you are such a dear person. I do so hope you and your husband will have a baby one day. You had a post recently with a title that made my heart jump when I saw it in my Inbox because it looked like it could have been a pregnancy announcement post. I was so disappointed when it wasn’t. Just wanted you to know that there are others out here rooting for you and hopeful that it will happen soon. Right now, just enjoy all the trying! 😉

  • Rebekah

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    Dear Maegan,
    I don’t know where the problem is, in you or him, your uterus or eggs… but I know whatever the problem
    is, there are solutions. You mentioned there are people willing to be surrogates… there is adoption. You can absolutely be a mother, and support life, and nurture life, and give happiness and love to life, even if you can’t create it the way you want to. You can still decide to call it forth into being 🙂 I have a two-year old daughter, and while I carried her in my belly and delivered her tbrough my vagina, I can PROMISE you that has nothing to do with why and how and how much I love her.

  • Danielle Eisenbacher

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    I hope you get the chance to be a mother in whatever capacity the world allows… it doesn’t seem fair that two people who love each other so much would have such a difficult time conceiving. If only children could be born of love and biology took a back seat…

    You are an amazing woman – let the tears come and then keep on doing what you do!

  • icklebabe_com

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    You write so beautifully Maegan, and remind me that even though I have my own troubles in my heart ( and often look at yours with a little friendly envy ;)) I am blessed, and you are too.
    . I just KNOW u will have a little one in your life one day, please don’t ever give up hope xxx xxxx

  • GFS

    February 24, 2013 | Reply

    I never really share this with many but I do understand how you feel. I was trying to get preggy for two years and nothing happened. Went to the dr and was referred to a fertility specialist. According to him, there was no foreseeable reason why I couldn’t get pregnant. Long story short, I had a few fibroids and had them removed. Nothing major. Then I was on the coursr to start treatment , some kind if shot. ( oh I wasn’t ovulating by the way… Not regularly anyway.) So we tried and nothing.

    Now at the same time, stress was going on w my home. I inherited a ” fabulous 11 year old ” stepdaughter (sarcasm). That entire year was hell! I wanted to blog about her rotten ass so bad but her daddy would probably be pissed…. Since I’m married to him!!!

    ! Everyday for my first year of marriage I would hate coming home( my husband has legal custody). This little devil was doing stuff like stealing food and jewelry. Lying to her mother about me and the clincher…. Found out this fool was wearing my panties!!!!!!

    Yes you read that right! Wearing my panties! It was pure hell. That whole time, I was stressed and didn’t know it. I thought it was just life. Other stuff happened and after a year, she moved back with her mom( who sucks by the way).

    During that time, no pregnancy. Well, after all of that drama, I just decided to take a break and breathe. Hell my step kid was making me rethink motherhood anyway.

    We stopped trying and I just decided to just live. . 6 monthst after that drama , I found out I was pregnant! No lie! No meds. No infertility. I was so shocked.

    I am convinced that stress was the culprit. And that stress had a name called ( step kid) . I’m not blaming her but I do blame stress. I also think god had to put me through that whole experience.

    Everyone has a different path to our goals. Now I’m pregnant and I fear that my kid might have some of her big sister’s crazy ass hell” genes . I’m cussing my husband smooth out if my kid starts calling men at the age of 11 from facebook( true story).

    My whole point is you aren’t alone. It’s a #thugstruggle to live this life we are given!

    Big hugs and a slab of bacon from me to you!

  • Nikki

    February 25, 2013 | Reply

    Your honest posts are what makes your blog one of my absolute favorites. Sending comforting thoughts your way <3

  • Anonymous

    February 25, 2013 | Reply

    i understand how how heartbreaking this situation is for you however, you tend to focus on what you CANT do rather what you CAN do. if you want something so badly, then you will find a way. it may not be the way you planned but life isn’t like that. you have options other than sulking and continually feeling like that. you can adopt, try other medical methods, etc. if you don’t want to take the options then you need to move on for sanity and clarity. you are just beating yourself up for no reason if you choose not to take the steps to get to your dreams. i see it as though if you really wanted something then you’d find a way and not make excuses. not that you are but you’d find a way.

    prayers for you.

  • Ivana

    February 25, 2013 | Reply

    Maegan, I’ve been reading your blog for years, and every time I read one of these posts, my heart breaks for you, because even if I’ve never met you, you’re like a dear friend to me, and I want you to be happy! I can only admire your honesty and your willingness to share your struggle, which is helpful to many women out there facing the same feelings and sometimes feeling alone and misunderstood. I can’t and won’t give any advice, I can only gather all the positive energy I can muster, and send it your way, because if there someone who deserves to be happy, it’s you and your husband. And I believe that with so much love that you have for each other, one day you will be able to share it with another little person. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

    Sending you lots of love and hugs

    Ivana

  • LesliMarie

    February 25, 2013 | Reply

    I too have an emptiness that I am always trying to fill. Being unable to become pregnant seems so unfair, for all of us that are in this position. And endo is SO unfair… A lot of times I think the void adds to my moodiness, and anger I have towards some things. Unfortunately I can not give you words of wisdom to overcome this feeling you are having, but I can tell you, you are not alone. I share all of your feelings. Keep your head up. xoxo

    http://www.leslimarie.com

  • Holly

    February 26, 2013 | Reply

    ive been wanting to comment on this post for a few days now and i dont really know what to say, i dont have those magic words. if anything, i want to thank you for your open and honest post. we have never met but i am rooting for you and your husband and have been for years. i wish & i hope you get what you want. xo.

  • Kama Ilion

    February 26, 2013 | Reply

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  • Anonymous

    February 26, 2013 | Reply

    Maegan, you & Joe continue to have faith & love for one another. I have a good feeling that in time you will be blessed with a child, in one way or another. When you least expect it, you usually get a surprise. 😉 I’ll continue to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Rita from Chicago

  • Anonymous

    February 26, 2013 | Reply

    Good things come to those who wait.. although You never know how long the wait is, it will eventually happen 🙂

  • Jane Droll

    February 26, 2013 | Reply

    still hoping things change for you, and they might. i am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    p.s. boyfriend’s sister announced she was pregnant w/kid number two at an oscar party. part of me was happy for her; part of me wanted to cry; and part of me was extremely jealous.

  • Maiah

    February 28, 2013 | Reply

    This is a beautiful piece. I wish for all of the best as you continue to feed your passions and try to create a life.

    Hope you don’t mind if I say this but I am a product of adoption and very, very lucky to have landed in the arms of my adoptive parents. Just from reading your blog, I can see you providing a life for a little lost one like my parents provided for me.

    Best wishes for the future. And lots of love from a reader in NYC.

  • Abby

    February 28, 2013 | Reply

    I have demons like this as well. Things that haunt me every day and will never go away. Solutions are not there…I hate it. It is so ugly.

    It helps to know that other people have these things, though. Makes me feel normal and not so alone. I don’t want you to feel alone, either. There are plenty of people in your exact same situation. I will hope and pray you can find peace within yourself one way or another.

    Thanks so much for sharing and articulating how you cope. .\

  • Abby

    February 28, 2013 | Reply

    I didn’t mean to make a face there…Just sloppy fingers at work…

  • Paula Shoe-fiend

    March 4, 2013 | Reply

    What a heart wrenching post, I really do feel for you. As others have commented earlier, I’ve been following you for about a year and have seen your posts about your struggle to have kids. I see your posts about your amazing home and your wonderful dogs and your creative flair and I think how privileged and super you seem. Thank you for sharing with us because it makes us all realize that nothing is ever perfect and to cherish what we do have. Though it might not make you feel any better, my mother was told after years of ‘trying’ to go home and start considering adoption and then along came myself and my older sister – a sweet story but one of success.
    I wish you all the best and send all my positive thoughts – for what they’re worth 🙂

    ♥ Paula Shoe Fiend.
    http://shoe-fiend.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Zoe Alexander UK

    March 8, 2013 | Reply

    Megan, such a beautifully written post! It is lovely that you are sharing this with us. More women should do so. One of my good friends is in the same situation and I didn’t know this for years… She wasn’t in a happy place for a long time but now she is talking about it & she applied for adoption.
    I would say never give up, you never know, hope is the only thing we have. Life is so unfair. It breaks my heart when I see unhappy children, unwanted with totally wrong parents. Why can they conceive?
    Be strong Megan, it is fantastic that you concentrate on your career & help other women with your beautiful words!
    Adriana xxx

  • Kailey Birkeland

    March 10, 2013 | Reply

    Whoa! I just saw that you are following my blog and I wanted to come check yours out. Of course, I went straight to the infertility tab… It sucks so bad to not be able to do something our bodies are supposed to be able to do. Just know that you are not alone in your fight against infertility! Thanks for posting this! :)))

  • Allie

    April 9, 2014 | Reply

    Thank you for putting exactly how I feel into words. Its going on 5 years for me. And I find it absolutely impossible to explain how I feel. Your blog gives me courage to eventually be able to tell people how I feel instead of only hiding it behind everthing else I do/make.

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