All Your Flaws & Scars Are Mine

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What I’m Wearing…

* Striped shift dress by Tibi from a few seasons ago… seen here in Spring with combat boots & bangs, here with skinny jeans back in 2013… one of my favorite dresses for Fall and Spring
* Vintage military coat
* Sunglasses by Ferragamo
* Red ‘Miss Vara’ bag by Salvatore Ferragamo
* Ankle boots by Rag and Bone {new!}

* Lips by Lancome {still my favorite red ever -195 Le Carmin}

* Title: Ellie Goulding – Still Falling For Youbeautiful mind, your heart got a story with mine, your heart got me new kinda highs, your heart got me feeling so fine, so what to do… still falling for you… no one can lift me, catch me, the way that you do… still falling for you.

* * *

I sit down to write… and I can’t find the words. Because the words I want to say, I can’t. But still I try. But nothing comes. Three nights of this… and still nothing.

I’m happy for new reasons and I’m sad for new reasons.

And all the newness is exactly what I wanted, back when I realized I couldn’t remain in my old life any longer without seeing my future and regretting my past.

I’ve been clumsy all day, and probably lost in my mind, and I probably just need a good cry… but I’m so happy, I sometimes forget that I’m in the middle of a divorce, and won’t allow myself to let go of the happiness for a moment to move through the feelings… because though I move forward every day into new and exciting territory, the life I had and a life I once wanted, is now in my past, and there’s mourning in those memories, grief in the loss, and grief in the loss of a once upon a time dream.

The thought of it still makes me sad… because even though my dreams have changed now and my life is exactly what I want it to be right now, that dream was with me from the beginning of time, I just never knew it wasn’t mine to realize.

I’m in the craziest transition of my life, happier than I’ve ever been, but knowing the scars are deep, and the thought of them never healing, or healing incorrectly, scares me.

I’m scared of love. I’m scared of loss. I’ve had so much of both, the thought of either may just break me right in half, and then into a million pieces. I’m strong in soul but fragile in heart.

The thought of trusting someone who could hold either of those things over me, isn’t one I’m interested in investigating, because emotional risk is not one I’m able to take at the moment. But maybe I never have. Maybe I’ve been like this since before I can remember why. Maybe it wasn’t everyone else in between, maybe it was me all along.

Maybe I’ve never given my heart to anyone. Maybe it was all me. Maybe I never let myself get too close.

Maybe I’ll take all the responsibility… but there was so much in between.

It still makes me angry…

But I choose to heal.

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Happy Hump Day Lovecats!

* Find all my Style Posts here

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

3 Comments

  • Dea

    September 21, 2016 | Reply

    Hi Maegan 🙂
    I’ve been reading your blog for a very long time, I’m just not the commenting type.
    I don’t know if you’ve ever done The Myers–Briggs Type Indicator test, but it has honestly helped me learn more about myself. I suggest you try it, there are several free versions online, with the 16personalites one that I found most user friendly.
    I got INTJ-T and only 0.8% of women fall under that type, which explains why I always have issues connecting with other people on a deeper level.
    I’ve never been married so I can’t really imagine what you’re going through, but I can see in your writing that you’re in a whirlwind of emotions. I really hope you find peace soon <3

  • MA

    September 22, 2016 | Reply

    Many hugs to you..life is a struggle, but you have a firm handle on what you want. Grab on and enjoy the ride. x

  • Bee

    September 22, 2016 | Reply

    Life is like that. I wish you love, stay connected to the people that love u. Sometimes it okay to just feel and not make any moves. Just chill.

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