What I’m Wearing…
* Mock neck bodysuit by Commando
* Boyfriend jeans by Blank Denim… and actually, I think these were supposed to be skinny jeans, but I bought them a few sizes too big so they’d fit like this.
* Bomber jacket
* Sunglasses by Ferragamo
* Mini Rockie bag by Alexander Wang
* Boots by Rag & Bone
* Lips by Lancome in Absolute Rouge
* Title: Future – Selfish ft. Rihanna…Broken lies… Driving backwards… Making all the wrong turns… Saying all the wrong words… Dodging angels… Wrong is right… When it comes to us… Empty thoughts fill the room… Breathe for me and I’ll breathe for you
Feeling so busy at the moment that I’m not taking time to reflect or stay aware in the moment… which is a weird concept because, really, when you find yourself too busy to think, you most probably are living in the moment, you’re just not aware of it, which is a good thing sometimes.
I wanted to be busy, I wanted to get out of my head and away from the stress of dealing with divorce and the inherent changes that come with it. As much as I love change and new adventures, it’s so damn difficult to actually process the realness of it all that throwing myself into a project was the only way I could exist with it instead of be broken by it.
But broken I am… whether I’m dealing with it or not. It’s there. It’s beneath everything. And I find that when I’m asked about it, I either get anxious or start to cry, and both emotions surprise me in the moment and remind me of how angry and hurt I am and how painful it all is.
You don’t choose to uproot your entire life because you’re happy. You choose it because you’re heartbroken and full of regret and can’t help but think that if you spend the next ten years in the same situation, you’ll be even more heartbroken and find yourself with even more regret. You choose it because you know nothing will ever change if you don’t and you choose it because you deserve to be happy and the hope that happiness is an option is a big motivator.
Time has passed at a speed I cannot even fathom. How is it March? How is it almost a year since April? How have I managed to make it through all these months without crippling under the immense pain, sorrow, confusion, and fear? It feels like yesterday. It feels like no time has passed at all and sometimes it feels like I’ll never be able to climb out of the feeling of being wronged and then accused of throwing it all away. It’s funny how in the end, the person who does the choosing is the one who is blamed for the ending of a relationship. But I can assure you that no one has ever chosen to end a relationship in which they are happy. It’s just not the way it works.
Happy Tuesday Lovecats!
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