What I’m Wearing…
* BLANK Denim straight up jeans -sold out- but Similar Styles here (also seen here)
* Black turtleneck
* Vintage leopard coat ( shop leopard coats here! )
* Vintage Chanel baby bucket bag
* Lieutenant Hat by Hat Attack
* Marc Jacobs sunglasses (are a few years old)
* Velvet boots from Shoedazzle… have to admit, I want a few of these “fuzzies” for winter …also obsessed with these pretties
* Title: Lauv ft. Julia Michaels – There’s No Way … You touch me and it’s almost like we knew… That there will be history between us two… We knew someday that we would have regrets… But we just ignored them the night we met… There’s no way that it’s not going there… With the way that we’re looking at each other
I struggle with wanting it all – wanting to DO it all, take over everyithg, take on too many projects, guilt for not living up to my potential, for not doing all the things I know I should be… and then I have moments where I want to run away from it all and be happy doing nothing.
I don’t know what that feels like. Maybe no one does.
Maybe we all think we know what we want and then we work towards it and then it disappears and becomes something new, something greater, and then it’s too much some days and too little other days.
Maybe the guilt of not being who we are, hiding behind fear runs us some days and confidence and coffee runs us other days, making us feel like we can achieve more than we are able to, starting new projects because we can’t NOT.
What if our ONLY goal was to be happy? It sounds ridiculous and obvious at the same time… I think that is all of our goals, the universal number one goal is to be happy. And we think doing all the things will bring happiness, but in so many cases, adding more just also adds more stress and doing all the things makes you tired and when you have all the things to do and you’re too tired to do them then you feel guilty. It’s a circle. It’s a cycle… I’m spinning. I think I need to call my therapist 🙂
You know that feeling where you finally feel like you’re emerging from the darkness, like the light at the end of the tunnel is FINALLY visible, and like the corners of your mouth are beginning to turn up more than down? . . . And then you suddenly worry about actually being happy because you fear life will ZAP that happiness from you at any moment and bring you right back into the darkness?
And you say, fuck it! I’m going to allow myself to experience this happy! …And then like three days later some random stressful event creeps in and then three days after dealing with that you feel like you want to get under the covers and hide for the next three days. And then OF COURSE you blame yourself for all of it because you recognized and surrendered to the happiness!
Life is crazy. Life is amazing. Life is hard… life is all the things.
Last week I felt free, bold, brave, strong, calm and assured. This week I’ve had to deal with business financial situations that have left me completely wiped out.
It’s funny when people don’t see me physically working at Dogwood they ask WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN and assume I’m NOT WORKING at all… which is laughable. We all know that to run a business, so much goes on behind the scenes that no one really sees, and I take care of all those things… among other things.
I think my looming court date next week is starting to get to me as well. And I think both of the situations I’m dealing with have me battling and fighting in a way which makes me value my worth (based on the treatment of others), be harsh where I’d rather be kind, and fight for what is already mine… and a question of fairness arises and irks me.
I don’t like feeling like the victim but sometimes I have to just surrender.
I’ve chosen to fight for these two things because it’s what’s right and the people on the other side of it are actually doing what is NOT right. It’s not an I’m right, they’re wrong situation, it’s a moral situation where “the right thing to do” is what they are both NOT choosing to do. One is personal. One is business. They both feel personal because I personally have to fight them for what’s right, for my worth, for my value and to stand up to their poor values.
Both of the situations I’m referring to have been going on for over a year and the weight has been crushing. It’s funny that they are both so different, yet make me feel so much the same and are both finally gaining closure around the same time. The situation with the business finally came to an end this week, yet it wasn’t exactly the turnout I was hoping for (which means more fighting). The personal situation will end next week, and I just hope to God it goes in my favor (because I’m tired of fighting).
I’ve had the kind of stressful week that forces me to throw my hands up in the air and exclaim THAT’S IT I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I WANT OUT OF IT ALL AND I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM IT ALL AND START OVER NEW. But we all know that’s not really an answer to life because wherever we go, there WE are. The stress follows us until we relinquish it. I’m just feeling overwhelmed and like I need a little break. Maybe even just a 24 hour break from it all where I lay on the couch with my dogs all day watching movies that make me smile (that’s a self-care day for me)- and then not feeling guilty about it. I often feel guilty if I’m not working or not creating or not being productive. There’s always SOMETHING that needs to be done… It’s probably not very healthy… I’ll call my therapist 😉
I am grateful for so much (I know because I have a stack of 4×6 white cards on my desk in which I write down what I’m so grateful for daily), but these two things have been hanging over my head for so long it feels like a nightmare. I have to let it go. I have to say whatever happens, happens, and I will move on and move forward from there. I don’t want to get stuck in the muddy water of the problems. I want to live in the airy freedom of hoping for a better future, a happier and more peaceful existence… but one where I will also prevail.
As always, I push against the storm, then I surrender to it and go with the flow, with occasional stops for terror followed by rage, and then I fall into grace where the present moment lives… and when I think like that, all is always well.
Happy Friday Lovecats!
* Find all my Style Posts here